Jokes

[goinbroke2]

If you come to my place, remember, no matter where you sit, I've sat there naked.

[Truckinbutch]

If you come to my place, remember, no matter where you sit, I've sat there naked.

Long as you don't try that while I'm visitin ; I got no problem with it .

[v-child]

Adapted from a joke the great Buddy Hackett told to Johnny Carson on the tonight show.

A man driving by himself on a remote rural road heard some noises, and running right beside him and keeping up was an odd looking chicken. The man feeling a bit curious, sped up a bit and sure enough the chicken kept the pace right beside him. Each and every time the driver sped up so did the chicken. A few miles up the road the chicken suddenly sped up, ran across the front of the car and dashed into a farmyard. The man, being a bit more than perplexed, followed the speeding chicken into the yard. A farmer comes out, greets him and attempts to explain the chicken's extraordinary abilities.
Driver, "That has to be the fastest chicken I have ever seen; I was up to 65 MPH and that crazy bird kept up without even breathing hard."
Farmer, "That Sir is a special bred three legged chicken." "It took me five years to breed him."
Driver, "Why in the world would anyone breed a three legged chicken in the first place?"
Farmer, "Well we all like the drumsticks on a chicken, so it only makes sense to have an extra one."
Driver, "Hmmm, I guess you got a good point there, how does a three legged chicken taste?"
Farmer, "Don't rightly know, nobody has been able to catch one to find out."

[goinbroke2]

Just overheard the wife and her friend talking in the kitchen.
Friend said her ex was from "down under"
Wife asked "Australia "?

"No" she said "hell"

[goinbroke2]

Archeologists digging in the ancient city of Pompeii, Italy, just uncovered the remnants of the house Keith Richards grew up in!

[goinbroke2]

If you come to my place, remember, no matter where you sit, I've sat there naked.

Long as you don't try that while I'm visitin ; I got no problem with it .

I had a feeling you weren't the squeamish type TB! Lol!!

[goinbroke2]

Mother in law was bitching because I was on my phone while we were visiting her in the hospital.
"Damn people rely to much on modern electronics"

So I unplugged her life support.


Wife laughed...but made me plug it back in....

[Bushman]

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a GRIZZLY bear attack with ONE well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

These are her own words:
”While out hiking in Missoula, Montana with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends”.

[Truckinbutch]

I was married to a woman like that for almost 15 years . Lost her on the day that it was my turn to carry the pistol .

[heynonny]

[goinbroke2]

Right now 14 thousand people are having sex.
50,000 are kissing
34,000 are hugging

And you're here reading this......



Me too...

[Bushman]

[NineInchNails]

What did socialists use to light their homes before socialism? Electricity.

[kiwi Bruce]

What did socialists use to light their homes before socialism? Electricity.

So the Doc asked what in the name is a post turtle ????

just got you a 30 day ban from HD .anymore of this type posting will be permanent bans .Keep the political shit OFF this site.

Nine...Beware of the words with ...ists and ...isms. There are members on the forum who live in counties with ...ists and ...isms forms of government. Don't write something unintentionally hurtful for some of our fellow members...it's no joke if you put someone off wanting to be here...I know it's hard...It's something I'm guilty of but...DON'T DRINK AND TYPE !

[NineInchNails]

What did socialists use to light their homes before socialism? Electricity.

So the Doc asked what in the name is a post turtle ????

just got you a 30 day ban from HD .anymore of this type posting will be permanent bans .Keep the political shit OFF this site.

Nine...Beware of the words with ...ists and ...isms. There are members on the forum who live in counties with ...ists and ...isms forms of government. Don't write something unintentionally hurtful for some of our fellow members...it's no joke if you put someone off wanting to be here...I know it's hard...It's something I'm guilty of but...DON'T DRINK AND TYPE !

If I wrote a joke about a cockless man, one could say the same. If I wrote a joke about a person's dog that died, one could say the same. If I wrote a joke starting out with, "so a Rabbi walked into a bar", someone could say the same. If I wrote a joke starting out with, "so a pastor walked into a bar", someone could say the same. If I wrote a joke starting out with, "so a catholic priest buggered a little boy", someone could say the same.

Ya know what all these jokes have in common? They are all jokes. While there may always be an overly sensitive snowflake that may be offended, no one cares because it's just a joke ... and facts don't care about feelings.

[ShineonCrazyDiamond]

You're just showing that you either came for a fight, or to make a point. Neither belong on this thread or this forum.

[NineInchNails]

You're just showing that you either came for a fight, or to make a point. Neither belong on this thread or this forum.

That is a strawman. Fallacies do not belong in a joke thread or this forum.

[kiwi Bruce]

Nine, I hate to say it buddy, you stepped in it this time...no joke and not funny at all !

[NineInchNails]

Nine, I hate to say it buddy, you stepped in it this time...no joke and not funny at all !

Was it the cockless man, the dead dog, the rabbi, the pastor, the priest or the snowflake that triggered you? They're all funny as hell

[ShineonCrazyDiamond]

I'll unlock thread when nine inch has sobered up.

[acfixer69]

Nine inch has earned some time out. Everyone remember this is a global forum. This is a joke thread. Keep it humor. I'll unlock it.

[shadylane]

If you come to my place, remember, no matter where you sit, I've sat there naked.

How about the wood stove
That would cure hemorrhoids

[goinbroke2]

Why yes, yes it would shady!

Wife came home from the doctor today all upset.
Flapping this sheet of paper she said "first the doctor said I have dyslexia, now he's saying I have tinny tits"!

I thought that was weird so I looked at the paper.

"Tinnitus dear, the doc says you have tinnitus "!

[goinbroke2]

I was watching the news and saw a FedEx driver dragging a rioter and thought damn, that could of been me!

So I immediately filled out an application, I start tomorrow!

[goinbroke2]

I told my teenager to pass me the newspaper, he's like "dad, seriously, use my phone, welcome to the 21st century "

So I smashed the spider with it and he freaked out, mama started yelling...just a bad day all around.


Some hard being a trophy husband...

[Bushman]

[goinbroke2]

Holy crap, I think I'm on to something here...

You know that if you wear a mask, people can't smell alcohol on your breath??

I know, right!

[kiwi Bruce]

HOLY CRAP ! ! ! YOUR RIGHT ! ! !

[zed255]

I tripped on my wife's bra. It was a booby trap.

[Expat]

I tripped on my wife's bra. It was a booby trap.