goinbroke2 wrote: ↑Wed Nov 04, 2020 8:01 pm
That reminds me of a while back when I was younger and stuff was funnier......
Married 28 years nov 20....
During my FIRST marriage, I heard one of the funniest I'd ever heard.
Do you know the difference in a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a wife?
Prostitute is lying in bed looking at the ceiling and says, "That's all."
Nymphomaniac is lying in bed looking at the ceiling and says, "That's all ? "
Wife is lying in bed looking at the ceiling and says,
"Beige"
"I think we should paint the ceiling BEIGE."
Problem was, I thought about it and said, "HEY! We just finished painting the bedroom. BEIGE!"
True story.
Celebrating 31 years of marital bliss next week. To #2.
This stupid woman kept asking all these stupid questions and generally pissing me off.
Who’s blood is it? Where did you get the blood? why is it in a bucket?
....ungrateful bitch.....
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your
Robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
Declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!'
The English have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire.
This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?
I was on my first date with my (now) wife.
Things were going well, even though my car was giving me fits after dinner. We were in the car and I was trying to get the stereo to function, and she leans in to me and whispers, "I have a daddy thing around cars"
I looked up from the dash, slapped the back of her head, and yelled HOLD THE FUCKING FLASHLIGHT STEADY!
Been together 30 years and married for 29.
Fear and ridicule are the tactics of weak-minded cowards and tyrants who have no other leadership talent from which to draw in order to persuade.
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
Well duh, you’ve got it on it’s side, mounted to the wall and wonder why it’s so slow?
Oh....wait.....
Never mind.
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
Well that was weird.
Yesterday I ate two pieces of string and today they came out tied!
I shit you not!
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
Buddy of mine stopped by the garage today.
Strange guy, he’s addicted to brake fluid.
Said he can stop any time.
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
You hear about the old lady that farted in the butter churn ?
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If you'd been in the churn you would have heard it !
If you ain't the lead dog in the team , the scenery never changes . Ga Flatwoods made my avatar and I want to thank him for that .
Don't drink water , fish fornicate in it .
Ever notice when two girls are talking, one says "do I look fat"? And the other one always goes "oh my gosh no, you're beautiful "!!
But when two guys are talking and one says "bro, do I look fat"? The other always goes "dude, I know 5 fat guys and you are four of them"!
Feelings? We don' need no stinking feelings!
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
Truckinbutch wrote: ↑Sun Nov 29, 2020 8:07 pm
You hear about the old lady that farted in the butter churn ?
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If you'd been in the churn you would have heard it !
TB, that reminds me of Butt Er for fat people. Emergency room for your butt.
YouTube "butt er" some blond chick, kinda funny.
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!
An elderly couple was eating breakfast and the wife pipes up and asks her husband, "If I die before than you will you get remarried?"
Husband, "That is insane, why in the world would you ask me a crazy question like that?"
Wife, "Well, it's no big deal, I just want to know, that's all."
Husband, "I don't know, maybe if the right girl comes along. She'll have to be pretty darned special to replace you, my dear."
Wife, "If you do get remarried, will you be moving her into our home?"
Husband, getting a little frustrated at this point, "I think I would, yes probably."
Wife, "Would she be sleeping in our bed?"
Husband, "More than likely, it would depend on her."
The wife goes on, "Would you allow her to use my set of golf clubs?"
Husband, "No honey, she is left-handed."
Little Jonny works in a pickle factory he tells his wife he wants to stick his pecker in the pickle slicer...she says try and not stick your pecker in the pickle slicer. Little Jonny comes home one day and says babe I couldn't resist I stuck my pecker in the pickle slicer....wife says well what happened....jonny says I got fired....wife says no to the pickle slicer....jonny says I'm sure she got fired too.
goinbroke2 wrote: ↑Mon Nov 30, 2020 9:27 am…that reminds me of Butt Er … for fatbeautiful people. Emergency room for your butt.
YouTube "butt er" some blond chick, kinda funny.
Air used to be free, but now it’s a buck to fill your tires.
You know why?
Inflation
Numerous 57L kegs, some propane, one 220v electric with stilldragon controller. Keggle for all-Grain, two pot still tops for whisky, a 3" reflux with deflag for vodka. Coming up, a 4" perf plate column. Life is short, make whisky and drag race!