no respect i tell ya.
playing some cards with da wife.
"i gotta go for a walk" i sez. "my ass fell asleep"
"i know" she sez. "i can hear it snoring."
Jokes
Moderator: Site Moderator
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General47
- Swill Maker
- Posts: 302
- Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2018 3:53 am
- Location: Malmesbury South Africa
Re: Jokes
I work next to a company that sells post form kitchen counters and such.
first co worker i see. "hey did you hear the Ceo from next door was arrested?"
Co worker: "no, why?"
Me: "some type of fraud, police aparrently charged him with counter fitting."
first co worker i see. "hey did you hear the Ceo from next door was arrested?"
Co worker: "no, why?"
Me: "some type of fraud, police aparrently charged him with counter fitting."
To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. ~Homer Simpson
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HDNB
- Site Mod
- Posts: 7427
- Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 10:04 am
- Location: the f-f-fu frozen north
Re: Jokes
fella goes into church for confession, it's been a while and he's a bit nervous but he finally makes his way to the confessional. He opens the door and as his eyes adjust to the dim light, he sees some beautiful shelving with a selection of some of the finest whiskies he's ever seen. Scotch and bourbon and imports from all over asia.
below that there is a glassed in shelf with boxes of cigars, Cubans, Nicaragua, dominican and a bunch from far off asian places too.
he sees some magazines beside an easy chair with foot massager in front of it, and goes to sit down.
just then the priest shows up
"wow father" he says, "It's been a while since my last confession. I see things have improved dramatically since i was last here!"
"Get out" the padre says, pointing at the door. "you're on my side."
below that there is a glassed in shelf with boxes of cigars, Cubans, Nicaragua, dominican and a bunch from far off asian places too.
he sees some magazines beside an easy chair with foot massager in front of it, and goes to sit down.
just then the priest shows up
"wow father" he says, "It's been a while since my last confession. I see things have improved dramatically since i was last here!"
"Get out" the padre says, pointing at the door. "you're on my side."
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
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VLAGAVULVIN
- Distiller
- Posts: 1580
- Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:52 am
- Location: Western Urals
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Bushman
- Admin
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- Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:29 am
- Location: Pacific Northwest
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acfixer69
- Global moderator
- Posts: 5154
- Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:34 pm
- Location: CT USA
Jokes
Here's 90 second's you will never get back.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Metalking00
- Swill Maker
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Thu May 13, 2021 12:22 am
Re: Jokes
Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme three shots of whiskey!".
The bartender pours the shots and as the guy downs em one after the other he asks, "whats the occasion?"
The guy slams the last shotglass on the bar and says "first blowjob".
"Congrats! Next shot's on the house!" The bartender cheerfully replies.
The guy looks at the bartender and says, "Nah, if 3 shots doesnt take the taste out of my mouth, nothin will."
The bartender pours the shots and as the guy downs em one after the other he asks, "whats the occasion?"
The guy slams the last shotglass on the bar and says "first blowjob".
"Congrats! Next shot's on the house!" The bartender cheerfully replies.
The guy looks at the bartender and says, "Nah, if 3 shots doesnt take the taste out of my mouth, nothin will."
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CoogeeBoy
- Rumrunner
- Posts: 573
- Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2020 6:56 pm
Re: Jokes
The bloke that wrote "the Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep recently.
The traumatic part for the funeral was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in.........
That's when the trouble started.
The traumatic part for the funeral was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in.........
That's when the trouble started.
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
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Teddysad
- Swill Maker
- Posts: 402
- Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:38 pm
- Location: Canterbury. New Zealand
Re: Jokes
In his honour , the gf is wearing her Meatloaf panties.
The front says. I’ll do anything for love
On the back it says But I won’t do that
The front says. I’ll do anything for love
On the back it says But I won’t do that
You can lead a horse to drink, but you cant make it water!
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7
You can lead a horticulture but can you teach a prototype?
Proverbs 31:6-7
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Saltbush Bill
- Site Mod
- Posts: 10537
- Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:13 am
- Location: Northern NSW Australia
Re: Jokes
You've got competition Coogee. 
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Kareltje
- Distiller
- Posts: 2207
- Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 4:29 pm
Re: Jokes
A long time ago in Reader's Digest (does it still exist?) a mom complained about her sons. She was a natural blonde, but had dyed her hair brown that day. When she walked into the livingroom one of her sons asked: "Trying artificial intelligence, mom?"
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acfixer69
- Global moderator
- Posts: 5154
- Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:34 pm
- Location: CT USA
Re: Jokes
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge knockers out for dinner, then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge knockers out for dinner, then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first
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Truckinbutch
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 8107
- Joined: Sun Feb 03, 2013 12:49 pm
Re: Jokes
A blonde is just a red head that's had the fire fucked out of her . Took me a little over 40 years .
If you ain't the lead dog in the team , the scenery never changes . Ga Flatwoods made my avatar and I want to thank him for that .
Don't drink water , fish fornicate in it .
Don't drink water , fish fornicate in it .
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acfixer69
- Global moderator
- Posts: 5154
- Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:34 pm
- Location: CT USA
Re: Jokes
2 women were playing golf.
On the third hole there were 4 men in front of them about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said
“I'll tee off, he is far enough away”.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot, straight down the fairway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help, I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
"How does that feel?" she asked.
He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
On the third hole there were 4 men in front of them about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said
“I'll tee off, he is far enough away”.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot, straight down the fairway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help, I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
"How does that feel?" she asked.
He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."