Jokes

[CoogeeBoy]

We had a tragic death when a man fell from the 18th storey of a nightclub on the weekend.
The police confirmed he wasn't a bouncer.

[Bushman]

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes, she gave me a hug!

[Oldvine Zin]

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes, she gave me a hug!

[BrewinBrian44]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a cup of hot water. Looking at this guy, he’s clearly a vampire. Pale complexion, dried blood on his chin, general un-dead appearance.

The bartender, puzzled by the drink order replies, “hey man, don’t you guys drink blood? What’s with the hot water?”

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies “I’m making tea.”

Haha

[BrewinBrian44]

A penguin is driving down the road and realizes he’s having a bit of car trouble, so he heads to a local mechanic to get it fixed.

The Mechanic tells the penguin, “this might take a while” and points to the waiting room.

The penguin looks out the garage door and sees an ice cream shop across the street. Penguins love ice cream, so he heads over there for a vanilla cone while he waits. Since he doesn’t have any hands, he proceeds to dribble ice cream all over himself, making a total mess. After he finishes his sloppy dessert, he heads back across the street.

Upon walking up to the auto shop, the mechanic steps out and says “it looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin chuckles and replies, “nah, it’s just a little ice cream.”

[Tummydoc]

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? ....... He wanted to get a long little doggie.

[CoogeeBoy]

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? ....... He wanted to get a long little doggie.

[Bushman]

When your distillation doesn’t meet your expectations:

[stillanoob]

Haha! That actually made me laugh. Reminds me of when my little sister wouldn't believe that Tabasco wasn't ketchup!

[NormandieStill]

As a kid, I actually went as far as to make hot chocolate with cocoa powder. I never tasted it once until I poured it into my cup.

[subbrew]

The little puffs of powder are killing me.

[Bushman]

[heynonny]

[Shadowride69]

[Big River]

I won a car in a lock picking challenge and it came with a car seat and a baby in the back seat.

[CoogeeBoy]

I told my friend I built a model of the Himalayas.

He asked "To scale?"

I said no, just to look at.

[TDick]

If you've never seen "Cheers", you might not fully appreciate this.

[Shadowride69]

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

[cranky]

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

[Deplorable]

Thats genius!

[CoogeeBoy]

I remember my university lecturer on early morning telling us:
"I've found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds, a cup of green tea and finish with a cold shower, and then I really feel rosy all over.”

I called out to him:

"Tell us more about Rosie.”

[Bushman]

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

My wife said before me she stopped seeing Gym as it just didn’t work out!

[CoogeeBoy]

Apparently there has been a huge explosion at a cheese factory in France.

There is de Brie everywhere!

[Saltbush Bill]

Geeeeezus Coog, where do you find them?

[CoogeeBoy]

Geeeeezus Coog, where do you find them?

Its like a snowball.....tell one joke and get 2 back from all over the place.

Which reminds me of St Patricks Day just a while back, when I met an Irishman who was bouncing off the walls. His name was Rick,
Rick O'Shay

[FLOB]

A man is walking through a park and sees and elderly gentleman quietly crying on a bench. He asks the old man what's wrong.

I'm 86 years old and last month I married a gorgeous, 30 year old woman. She's stunning, a great cook, the house is spotless and the sex...the sex is fantastic and all the time.

So, why are you crying? That sounds amazing.

I can't remember where I live!

[CoogeeBoy]

I want to thank all of you for your support while I worked out the meaning of the word "many".

It means a lot...

[Dancing4dan]

Why did Jesus make wine at the wedding in Cainan?

Copper tubing hadn’t been invented yet.

[Bradster68]

I think my wife likes it in the ear.
Everytime I try to put it in her mouth she turns her head.

[CoogeeBoy]

The man that invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round.
The travelled in different circles.