Jokes

[EricTheRed]

Sometimes we Seniors don't Understand Directions…

I went to my local Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked,
“Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I am not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

[HDNB]

why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?


they're very good at it.

[HDNB]

why do elephants paint their balls red?


so they can hide in cherry trees.

[HDNB]

what's the loudest sound in the jungle?



a giraffe eating cherries.

[HDNB]

whaddya call an illegally parked frog?



toad.

[HDNB]

why is there no pregnant Barbie doll?

because Ken came in a different box.

[HDNB]

My doctor told me i had to quit masturbating.

I asked "why?"

He says, "because i'm trying to examine you."

[HDNB]

Do you know why boxers don't have sex the night before a fight?


Because they really don't like each other that much.

[shadylane]

Police officer "do you know why I pulled you over"
Me in a joking voice "was it because I just robbed a bank"
Sounded funny to me at the time.

[Kareltje]

How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

Just chase it on a leaf and wait till it gets autumn and the leafs will fall off.

[Kareltje]

Why do crocodiles have such a flat beak?

They went into the woods at autumn.

[Kareltje]

A friend has been a caretaker for the elephants in a zoo. And he befreinded them.
So at one time an elephant asked him to undress. And he did.
After some looking and pondering, the elephant said: "Do you really have to eat with that?"

[Kareltje]

It is black on top, red in the middle and green on the bottom.

A mole on a red bicycle on a green lawn.

[Kareltje]

How do you know you have a mole in your garden?

When you see his red bicycle parked at your gate.

[HDNB]

Police officer "do you know why I pulled you over"
Me in a joking voice "was it because I just robbed a bank"
Sounded funny to me at the time.

no joke...a number of years ago a guy at work got pulled over by the police force. the whole police force, guns, dogs, helicopters... the bank had just been robbed, by a "slightly built white guy, balding with a red goatee driving a brown chevy s-10 with stripes on the side"

literally described him and his truck to a tee....he was on the highway about 2 miles from the bank.

whats the chances?

[Yonder]

Yeah, when I was a kid working at a drugstore as a joke when I closed the registers out for the night, I wrote on the ticket “Hi, the cat burglar.” Of course that night someone broke in and stole a bunch os s@t. What are the odds??.

[acfixer69]

This Biker's girlfriend invited him over to her house. When he got there he found his girlfriend's sister there alone. He sat on the sofa waiting for his girlfriend to arrive. Her unbelievable sexy sister sat next to him. A few moments later she whispered to him 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. He immediately got up and turned around to head back to his bike. He found his girlfriend standing next to his bike, she gives him a big hug and said 'you've won my trust'.Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms stored in your bike...

[EricTheRed]

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Steve Broady]

[cranky]

What's the quickest way to calm an angry woman down?









Chloroform

[contrahead]

No joke; just observation.

Yesterday I bought a so called “Smart TV”. I bought it to use as a computer monitor, but last night I explored some of it's built in streaming services. Ended up watching a free James Bond movie.

A sobering discovery.

In the past older, lower resolution cameras and TVs were fuzzier and more forgiving to the vanities of actors and actresses. Close up camera shots of actor's faces have become much more commonplace nowadays in cinema than they were 40 years ago. (Some of that began with the Italian director (Sergio Leone)? that started all the spaghetti westerns).

Well movies today are shot in much higher resolutions than they were in the past. Hi-definition digital cameras are used; rarely film cameras anymore. And when (with a Smart TV) you see a close up of somebody's face in 4K ULTRA HD, Dolby Vision® and HDR10 (state-of-the-art High Dynamic Range technology), then disturbing or unnecessary details begin to pop out. A littler too much information. Like rashes, warts, acne, sweat, subcutaneous beard hair, freckles and bad teeth. Although not objectionable, even contact lenses can sometimes be detected in high definition closeups.

[cranky]

No joke; just observation.

Yesterday I bought a so called “Smart TV”. I bought it to use as a computer monitor, but last night I explored some of it's built in streaming services. Ended up watching a free James Bond movie.

A sobering discovery.

In the past older, lower resolution cameras and TVs were fuzzier and more forgiving to the vanities of actors and actresses. Close up camera shots of actor's faces have become much more commonplace nowadays in cinema than they were 40 years ago. (Some of that began with the Italian director (Sergio Leone)? that started all the spaghetti westerns).

Well movies today are shot in much higher resolutions than they were in the past. Hi-definition digital cameras are used; rarely film cameras anymore. And when (with a Smart TV) you see a close up of somebody's face in 4K ULTRA HD, Dolby Vision® and HDR10 (state-of-the-art High Dynamic Range technology), then disturbing or unnecessary details begin to pop out. A littler too much information. Like rashes, warts, acne, sweat, subcutaneous beard hair, freckles and bad teeth. Although not objectionable, even contact lenses can sometimes be detected in high definition closeups.

That is an interesting observation and reminds me of something...

(Just to note, I ran this by Tater and got his approval to post it)

Back shortly after Bill Clinton was elected president I was working at a secure facility where he came to speak. After the speech was over he was up there shaking peoples hands as politicians do and my son worked his way through the crowd to the front (he was very good at that) and shook Clinton's hand. Later when asked about it my son had two things to say, first was Clinton telling him he had "Cool Hair" then he said "he (Clinton) has bad skin"

Back then you couldn't see the rosacea on TV but as Clinton got older and TVs got better it became quite obvious and I always thought back to that day when my son said "He has bad skin"

[dina_di]

No joke; just observation.

Yesterday I bought a so called “Smart TV”. I bought it to use as a computer monitor, but last night I explored some of it's built in streaming services. Ended up watching a free James Bond movie.

A sobering discovery.

In the past older, lower resolution cameras and TVs were fuzzier and more forgiving to the vanities of actors and actresses. Close up camera shots of actor's faces have become much more commonplace nowadays in cinema than they were 40 years ago. (Some of that began with the Italian director (Sergio Leone)? that started all the spaghetti westerns).

Well movies today are shot in much higher resolutions than they were in the past. Hi-definition digital cameras are used; rarely film cameras anymore. And when (with a Smart TV) you see a close up of somebody's face in 4K ULTRA HD, Dolby Vision® and HDR10 (state-of-the-art High Dynamic Range technology), then disturbing or unnecessary details begin to pop out. A littler too much information. Like rashes, warts, acne, sweat, subcutaneous beard hair, freckles and bad teeth. Although not objectionable, even contact lenses can sometimes be detected in high definition closeups.


You're absolutely right—modern resolutions like 4K and HDR definitely reveal details that older formats would blur out. It’s fascinating (and sometimes unsettling) to see how cinema technology evolves, bringing hyper-realism to storytelling. Makes you wonder if actors now feel more pressure to look flawless, knowing every pore might be on display