Home Distiller

An old timer was siitn at the bar having a beer and a shot , when all of a sudden a young man walks in with red , blue , yellow , and green hair , and sits next to him . The old man wide eyed kept lookn at him from head to toe and wouldnt stop . After the young man got his drink he was feeln uneasy with the old timer stairin at him . The young man asks the old timer , why you keep stairing at me like that . The old timer replies , well you see young man , when I was in the navy and on leave one night , I got rip roarin drunk and screwed a parrot , and was wondering if you were my son .

Two cannibals are talking. One says to the other, "We caught and ate couple of missonary monks the other day."
The second cannibal says,"Oh yeah, how were they?"
First cannibal says, "Not too good. They were pretty tough and chewy."
Second cannibal, "So how did you cook them up?"
First cannibal, "We boiled em."
Second cannibal, "Well that's the problem... They were friars!"

An old man goes into the confessional and tells the priest: "I've had sex with an 18 year old girl."
"Huh," says the priest, "When was your last confession, my son?" The old man says, "Never, you see, I'm jewish." Well the priest is confused. "Why are you telling me this??" says the priest. "I'm telling EVERYONE!!"

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alchohol.

Red meat is not bad for you.......fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I may be a schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

Nobody is perfect. I am nobody. I am perfect.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken (now we've had some posts about that!)

Follow you dreams! except that one where you're naked in church. (my frau Bleucher just told me to add this emoticon)

I have kleptomania, but when it get's bad I take something for it.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough!

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Dyslexics have more nuf.

I love cooking with wine; sometime I even put it in food.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather; not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

and.......finally........

Heaven is Where:
The police is British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers are French, and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police is German, the Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.

Why I fired my Secretary



Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner...'





After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.




She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.




And I just sat there...





On the couch...






Naked.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00

HAMBURGER : $2.25

CHEESEBURGER : $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'


The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, Yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.



One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.


Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!



Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.


After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!



Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!



The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.


Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story?


(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)





'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

A Typical Texan Baby Boy

An Aggie is drinking in a New York bar, when
he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody
in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a
typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds ...

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in
at 25 pounds, but the Aggie just shrugs and replies,
"That's about average back home, folks. Like I
said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy. He's
gonna be an Aggie football player.'

Congratulations showered him from all around,
amid many exclamations of 'WOW!'
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The
bartender says,"Say, aren't you the father of that
Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be
in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Seventeen
pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a
little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!'

The Aggie father takes a slow swig of his
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the
bartender and proudly says,
'Had him circumcised.'

Gig 'Em!

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:


"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called
Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"







He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
Their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell
phone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to
Her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her
Husband, "Hi Hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a
Bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Dirtiest thing ever said on 1950’s television



Q: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on 1950’s television?






A: "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."

what did the dehydrated frenchman say to another frenchman?

pee air

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman whose wife gave birth to twin sons?

They named them Jose and Hose B.

Two rednecks are sitting in a bar and one of 'em says "If I made love to your wife and she got pregnant, would that make us related?"

Other guy says "No, that would just make us even."

THE POTTY

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE. BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE
MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

This blind old timer is in town and looking for a place to get a drink. As he shuffles down the sidewalk he hears a place full of women that seem to be having a good time, so he goes in...

The old timer sits down and orders a beer and sits there sipping it for a while. Then he pipes up, "Hey Barkeep, You want to hear a blond joke?"

The place goes silent.

After a few seconds the woman sitting next to him says...

"before you tell that joke, you should know.... The bartender has a short fuse and a baseball bat behind the bar... and she's blond. The Lady to your left is a weightlifter and prone to 'roid rage... and she's blond. That woman behind you... well, she's a boxer and she's blond too. Me, I am a female wrestler and I am also blond... so, are you sure you want to tell that joke?

The old man takes a sip of his beer and sighs and says "well, I guess not, Not If I'm gonna have to explain it four times..."

Bloody hell dog, that is so funny.

blanik

Do you fart in bed?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING
SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY
MARRIED FOR YEARS? THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE
WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING
WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL
WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM
OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY
NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED
THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.


THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN
ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY
FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT
THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS,
AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS
SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND
EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL
TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM
AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH
ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON
THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF
TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS
IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON
HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME
AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING
MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

'BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS.
I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.

HaHaHa Thats a good one!!

BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS


Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the
patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me
to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't
have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better
still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the
rest of your life!'
Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint






=





when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'





=





The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink
from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'


The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.


The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.. The crocodile looked up and said,







=





'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,






=





'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink???

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it...

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell
their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk
and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,
that only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am.. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Lois. She was
a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol,
and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the
bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the
middle of 20 enemy troops.

'She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of
bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and
then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.' 'Good Heavens,'
said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral
to this horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Lois when she's been drinking.'

Where's your mother?"

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll check."

Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

a fairy tale begins with once opon a time.

a true story begins with now this ain't no shit.

once opon a time i was huntin moose in alaska. was about ten days out with about twenty days supplys for me n the dogs. so i needed a moose soon. a
couple hours more mushin and i spot a nice one. just drawin a bead and it starts to snow so by the time i get im gutted its snowin sideways. the dogs are
all curled up and half covered so i took off the hide and built me a shelter with it. so i'm sittin inside this moose hide freezin my ass lookin out this mooses
ass hole at the snow blowin sideways and freezin to death i realize how bad this spot i got me into really is so i decide to make my way back in the blizzard
to the cabin the dog are good at findin home. when i tried to move i was froze near stiff. when i tried to get out that hide it was froze plum stiff then i
knowed i was in trouble. try as i might i couldn't cut bite scratch naw or cuss my way out that moose hide and it got colder i could feel the end coming
nothing would respond couldn't hold the knife nomore hard to breath i realize i'm gonna die. i don't know if i was awake or not but i see my life passin
before me all the stuff. what a nasty little bastard i was, on through the years no detail was missed no page unturned on through to being a young man and
the time i voted for richard nixon and i felt about two inches tall so i crawled out that mooses asshole got the dogs and went home. cob

What can I say??

-hey-

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'