Jokes

[MuleKicker]

There once was a man from Madrass
whos balls were constructed of brass
when jangled together
they played stormy weather
and lightning shot out of his ass.

Nice guys.... I think I peed a little.

[LWTCS]

Filthy filthy filthy potty mouth's

[MOUSE]

There once was a lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
and made cider inside her inside.

There was a young lady from Crewe
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
"The Vicar was quicker
and slicker and thicker
And nine inches longer than you".

There was a young lady from crewe
who filled her vagina with glue
said she with a grin
if they pay to get in
they'll pay to get out of it, too.

[squidd]

There once was a bishop from Vermont,
Who used to jack off in the font.
The baptistry stank,
With an odor so rank,
No one would sit up in the front.

[ScottishBoy]

There once was a bishop from Vermont,
Who used to jack off in the font.
The baptistry stank,
With an odor so rank,
No one would sit up in the front.

Oooooo! Thems fightin words!
None of our Bishops would...ever.....uhmmmm....ah....
Oh dear......


Nevermind.

[squidd]

This one's for Larry....

There once was a lady named Bright.
Who could travel faster than light.
She left one day,
In a relative way,
And came back on the previous night.

[Husker]

Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question. "Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to members of the Cabinet and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. He goes to the Supreme Court and asks all nine members and doesn't get an answer. He goes to Congress and asks most of the members to no avail. Finally, he walks into the Colin Powell's office and says, "Colin, see if you can answer this riddle: Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell says, "It's me!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Titus-a-fishus]

What does a French woman put behind her ears to attract men?

Her ankles

[rednose]

Teacher:

“Can u tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives?”

Student:

“Smo-king ,
Drin-king and
Fuc-king”

[heynonny]

Heres another limerick: (from 'the Pearl')

"There was a young man from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do;

So he took out his carrot
And he buggered his parrot, (<-- hhmmm, , , )


And sent the result to the zoo."

[Samohon]

Okay, you really started something here MK....

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

Thats all......Sorry...

[scarecrow]

Japanese POW's were given tasks to perform. This was to boost morale and make their incarceration a bit easier.

The sargeant picked three POW's and assigned a task to each.

The first was to be in charge of morale.
The second was to be in charge of entertainment.
The third was in charge of supplies.

The Generals arrived for a quick inspection and asked how the POW's were going.

The one in charge of morale had organised a game of baseball, a cards night and an exercise area.
The one in charge of entertainment got a movie night once a week organised.
Unfortunately said the sargeant, we think the third one in charge of supplies must have escaped while getting stuff from the local township. We haven't seen him for three weeks.

Damn man, send out search parties and scour the township. I want him found, said the General.

So a platoon of a hundred men set out for the township. Not holding much hope for a capture, thinking he was long gone by now.

They looked for hours and at the end of the day they were all exhuasted.
They all formed tidy rows in front of the sargeant. They all did a right turn and just before they started their long march back to camp, out of an empty wine barrel pops out the POW, yelling............

SUPPLIES!!

scarecrow

[blanikdog]

Good one scarecrow. lolol

[father william]

A man runs out of gas and goes to a farmhouse for help. There's a three-legged pig running around in the yard. The farmer comes out and offers to help and invites the guy in for lemonade.

The man says, "Some pig you got out there." The farmer says: "That's the greatest pig in the world. When the house caught fire six months ago, we were all asleep in the house. The pig gets the door open, comes into the bedroom, pulls the blanket, wakes us up and leads us out of the house. That pig saved the lives of me, my wife and our two children."

"Wow," the man says. "Is that how the pig lost a leg?"

"No," the farmer says, "a pig that good you wouldn't eat all at once."

[Samohon]

Yep, it's awful ok... Still, got a giggle out of Mrs Samohon...

[LWTCS]

So bad it was good.

Always do like a good lil chuckle.

Thanks for that.

[pumpman]

The two biggest lies in Bithlo are, I didn't know she was my sister and honest officer I was just helpin that pig over the fence.

[MuleKicker]

Stupid jokes are great...... by the way, did you here about the man that lost his whole left side? He's all right now.

[ammo man]

Or that lady that was filling her car with gas and got some of it on her arm. As she was pulling out she lit a cigarette and caught her arm on fire. She was waving her arm out the window trying to put out the fire when she got pulled over by a patrolman who gave her a ticket for illegally displaying a fire arm.

Bert

[MuleKicker]

ahh......... leave it to ammoman.........

[Coon-ass]

Boudreaux goes up to Thibodaux and says, Ma Cher, we got da bad news for ya and da good news.
Thibodaux says, I tell you me, giv me da bad news first!
Boudreaux says, we found your wife, she dead and floatin' in da bayou.
Thibadoux distraught, cries, what could be da good news?
Boudreaux ecstatic says, We picked two dozen crab off her and gonna run her again tomorrow!

[Kentucky shinner]

Dude you aint right coon-ass....

[ammo man]

Coon-ass may not be right, but he knows how to make good moonshine. Here is one of his fishing stories he told me:

I went fishing the other day but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of moonshine and poured a little of it in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the bayou without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Bert

[Kentucky shinner]

[Coon-ass]

Coon-ass may not be right, but he knows how to make good moonshine. Here is one of his fishing stories he told me:

I went fishing the other day but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of moonshine and poured a little of it in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the bayou without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn snake with two frogs in his mouth.

That was actually my first batch I gave the snake. Reason he liked it so much is cuz it tasted like bayou water

[Titus-a-fishus]

Man says to his wife
"Tell me something that'll make me happy and sad at the same time."

Wife thinks about this and replies
"You've got a bigger dick than any of your mates."

[blanikdog]

hahahahahahahahaha

[Samohon]

Some from the Late Great Tommy Cooper...

I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'i'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it, I think you'll win'

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Abbaoriginal.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Adhesive.
I was stuck to it like glue.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

******************************************

I think they are very British, but appeal to everyone....

[decomissioned]

This is one from Norm McDonald.

A moth walks into a podiatrist office.

Podiatrist: What’s the problem?

Moth: What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Linovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Linovich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But, I don’t know. I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there…

Podiatrist: Oh yeah?

Moth: Yes. At night I sometimes wake up, and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm; a lady I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria; she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc, my other boy, Gregaro Ivinolitanovitch; I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes all I see is the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging onto my web of everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.

Podiatrist: Moth, man, you’re trouble. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?

Moth: ‘Cuz the light was on.

[father william]

A man comes home from work one day, and his wife asks, "Where's the dog?"

The man's chest swells with pride and he says, "I sold the dog for Fifty Thousand Dollars!"

"You drunken fool," the wife replied, "no one in their right mind would pay that kind of money for that mangy mutt!"

"I most certainly did sell the dog for Fifty Thousand Dollars."

"OK," the wife said, "Show me the cash. Show me the check. Show me the bank deposit slip. Show me something."

"Well," the husband admitted, "I didn't get cash, I got Fifty Thousand Dollars in trade."

"OK, I'll bite," said the wife. What did you trade your Fifty Thousand Dollar dog for?"

"Two Twenty Five Thousand Dollar cats!"