Jokes

[pegasus]

Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, So I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, And not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:
The burnner on the still will not light. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid

[Samohon]

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The eyes said “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The hands said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The stomach said “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The legs said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
Then the rectum said “I think I should be in charge.”
All the rest of the parts said “YOU?!? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge.”
So the rectum closed up.
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!

[Samohon]

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man’s trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, “You shouldn’t do that. He’ll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!”.
The blind man retorted, “I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass”!

[Samohon]

And last but not leats....

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

[father william]

A man is driving down a country road in a big old Cadillac convertible when suddenly he gets a flat tire and pulls over.

As chance would have it, he parks the car right behind an insane asylum. He gets out, loosens the lug nuts on the wheel, jacks up the car, and takes off the lug nuts one by one, placing them in the upturned hubcap.

As he pulls off the flat, he steps back and places his foot on the edge of the hubcap. It flips up into the air and all the lug nuts roll down the nearby storm drain.

"Oh, #$%&!," says the man. "What the hell am I going to do now?"

One of the asylum inmates is watching all this from behind the chain link and barb wire fence. He says, "Excuse me, sir. Why don't you remove one lug nut from each of the other three wheels, use them to put on your spare, and take it slow and easy to the next garage or car parts store?"

"Hey, that's one heck of a good idea! What's a smart guy like you doing in a place like that?"

"I may be crazy," replied the inmate, "but I'm not stupid!"

[Tater]

New Mexico’s Chili Cook-off


Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this
is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table,
asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other
two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
became Judge #3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 Excellent; firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of
the beer.


CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods,
not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb Woman is starting
to
look HOT .... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off..
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Sup
erb.

Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that
Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.


Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.

My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too
painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if
he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted too
really
hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report.

[blind drunk]

Never mind thanks cob. bd.

[Hdflhx]

A woman buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She wears them with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every now and then she would cross and uncross her legs. Finally her husband says "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yeessss," she answers with a seductive smile.

Her husband replies, " OH THANK GOD, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SITTING ON THE CAT!"

[Kentucky shinner]

[scarecrow]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

scarecrow

[junkyard dawg]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[Smokehouse Shiner]

A guy went to a 5 dollar hooker and got crabs. He went back the next day to complain and the hooker said, "Hey it was 5 dollars, what did you expect, lobster?"

[braemar]

Mother in law walks in her sons front door and finds her daughter in law lying on the sofa stark naked.
MOTHER IN LAW: What the hell are you doing .
DAUGHTER IN LAW: Waiting for john to come home from work.
M.I.L.: But you have no cloths on.
D.I.L.: This is my love dress and john likes me to wear it .
The mother in law thought it was a good idea so she went home stripped off and waited for her husband to come home.
Finaly the husband walkes thru the door .
HUSBAND: What the bloody hell are you doing lying there like that.
WIFE: This is my love dress what do you think.
HUSBAND: It needs ironing and what's for dinner.

[still crazy]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies,“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,“My wife.”

[Azframer]

A man is kicked back in his recliner watching the big game flipping peanuts in the air catching them and eating them. Flipped one in the air and his wife called his name. He looked towards her and the peanut went into his ear. He dug at it and pushed it further in. He told his wife and she dug at it and pushed it in further. So they decided to go to the emergency room and have it taken out. When they got to the door their daughter was walking in with her date. They explained what had happened and that they were going to have the peanut removed. When the boyfriend said I can get it out and jamb two fingers in the old mans nose and said blow hard out your nose, the peanut popped right out.
The old man was in a bad mood the rest of the night, the old lady was trying to break the ice to find out what was wrong. She says to him: That sure is a smart young man I wonder what he will be when he grows up.
The old man answer back: Well by the smell of his god D@mn fingers our son-in-law!

[The Baker]

A man is kicked back in his recliner watching the big game flipping peanuts in the air catching them and eating them. Flipped one in the air and his wife called his name. He looked towards her and the peanut went into his ear. He dug at it and pushed it further in. He told his wife and she dug at it and pushed it in further. So they decided to go to the emergency room and have it taken out. When they got to the door their daughter was walking in with her date. They explained what had happened and that they were going to have the peanut removed. When the boyfriend said I can get it out and jamb two fingers in the old mans nose and said blow hard out your nose, the peanut popped right out.
The old man was in a bad mood the rest of the night, the old lady was trying to break the ice to find out what was wrong. She says to him: That sure is a smart young man I wonder what he will be when he grows up.
The old man answer back: Well by the smell of his god D@mn fingers our son-in-law!

Sorry, it took a while for me to get that one!

[Azframer]

A man is kicked back in his recliner watching the big game flipping peanuts in the air catching them and eating them. Flipped one in the air and his wife called his name. He looked towards her and the peanut went into his ear. He dug at it and pushed it further in. He told his wife and she dug at it and pushed it in further. So they decided to go to the emergency room and have it taken out. When they got to the door their daughter was walking in with her date. They explained what had happened and that they were going to have the peanut removed. When the boyfriend said I can get it out and jamb two fingers in the old mans nose and said blow hard out your nose, the peanut popped right out.
The old man was in a bad mood the rest of the night, the old lady was trying to break the ice to find out what was wrong. She says to him: That sure is a smart young man I wonder what he will be when he grows up.
The old man answer back: Well by the smell of his god D@mn fingers our son-in-law!

Sorry, it took a while for me to get that one!

I told that joke to a buddy sittin at a bar one night and a female bartender was listening in( I didn't know she was). She got mad at me said it was disgusting. Almost got tossed.

[Azframer]

This is not really a joke but was funny as hell to me. This is a true story. My aunt owned a carpet cleaning business and I had done it before she wanted me to train a new guy. This guy was older than me at the time and I was driving to the next job. He starts telling me about him being in this bar in south Florida. Good looking women all over the place, from my point of view I could not see him hooking up. But he tells me that he got this good looking woman to a hotel, and they were sitting on the bed making out. I was thinking yea right. He said I had my hand on the inside of her thigh and was slowly working my way up. When all the sudden I felt a dick. I started laughing, then he said I punched him in the face, threw her purse out the door, punched him in the face, threw her out the door. At this point I was laughing so hard I had to pull off the road. Depending on what he was doing, he bounced back and forth between him and her. What made it so funny was I could see on his face he was reliving the moment. I think I was around 22 at the time, but was sitting there with my head on the steering wheel with tears running LMAO. Well I regained myself, push the clutch in and pulled it down in 1st gear started to drive off when he said. It wouldn't have been so bad but the sum-bitch had a bigger dick then me. Push the clutch back in and pushed it out of gear. Almost had to get out of the truck and walk away I was laughing so hard.

[still crazy]

A "heads up" for you and any of your guy friends who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy Tee-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen Sept. 4th, 8th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
Again - please beware!!

[blanikdog]

hahahahahahahahahaah you are baaaaaaad, SC.

[NcHooch]

Three men were sitting in a pub having a couple drinks.

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid.... all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

NChooch

[Thorn_veritas]

Warning warning...... Any1 who is upset by rude crude volgur jokes about priests please skip this joke.
Seriously this joke is not for you.

A priest is sitting in his confessional box busting to go to the toilet he cant leave the box unattended. He hears the cleaner outside doing his rounds. He yells to the cleaner " mate mate I really need you help I have to go to the toilet but I cant leave the confessional unattended can you cover me for 5 min" the cleaner tells the priest he has no idea what to say so the priest points out that there is a list on the wall of what to say to people. The cleaner agrees and the priest goes to the toilet.

First lady walks into the booth
" father father forgive me I have sinned I have given another man a handjob " he looks up the list and there it is handjob. " take 2 hail marys and bless yourself " the lady leaves thanking him

Second lady walks in "father father for give me I have had sex with another man" he looks up the list there it is sex. " take 5 hail marys and bless yourself" she leaves thanking him

Third lady walks in " father father forgive me I have given anither man a blowjob" he looks up and down the list but cant find it hes shocked he doesnt know what to do. He hears the choir boys singing outside so he yells to the choir boys " choir boys what does the father give for a head job" choir boys yell back " mars bar and a ride home".

Hahahahahaha

[ArkyJ]

Micky and Minny Mouse are standing before the judge in divorce court.
The judge says to Micky: "Micky I have had three shrinks check out Minny."
"I can not aprove your divorce from Minny for being crazy."
Micky jumps back and says to the judge: "Crazy!?" "I never said she was crazy."
"I said she was fucking Goofy."

[loneswinger]

Two buddies, Bill and Fred, meet each other at the country club for a round of golf. Unfortunately, Fred had to bring his wife's little yappy dog with him; part of the deal he made with his wife that enabled him to go out and play.

On the first hole, Fred sinks a 20 foot putt for birdie. The dog, seeing his owner accomplish this feat, does two back-flips and a little dance. Bill was impressed and asked "Did you teach him that?"
Fred: "Yep".
Bill: "Well what happens when you miss a putt?"
Fred thinks about it then replies "When I miss a putt he does front-flips"
Bill: "Wow!! how many front-flips does he do?"
Fred: "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass"

-Loneswinger

[Thorn_veritas]

What the diffrence between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

What does a blonde and a bowling ball have in common?
Put three fingers in the then straight back in the gutter.

Blondes are like vaccum cleaners, suck and blows all day and still get Laid in the closet.

Michael jackson is on a plane flying 50 poor kids to america. The pilot comes out of the cockpit and yells the planes goin down we have to bail but we only have 2 parachutes. Jackson asks the pilot " what about the kids" the pilot says " fuck em " to which jackson replies " do we have time? " ha ha ha

Sorry mj fans but hes a sick man.

[blind drunk]

A prostitute stood before the judge alleging rape. The judge, a little perplexed, politely asks "Ms, when did you realize that it was rape?" The prostitute responds "when his check bounced."

[loneswinger]

This is more of a story than a joke but...

Two Cowboys, Bill and Fred, are riding down the trail. Fresh off a cattle drive both of their pockets are full of money. While riding they come upon a huge, fresh, steaming pile of shit. Bills says to Fred: "Fred, I bet $1000 you can not eat 1/2 of that pile of shit" Fred thinks about it, 1000 bucks is a lot of money, and he decides to go for it.

Fred takes out his knife, cuts the pile in two, and proceeds to eat one of the halves. He is gagging and puking but is making his way through. He finally finishes half the pile but is extremely sick and his face is green. Knowing what he did is nearly impossible, and feeling confident that he is the only Cowboy who could possibly do what he just did, he decides to bet Bill. "Bill, that was the toughest most disgusting thing I ever did, I will bet you $1000 that you can't eat the other half."

Well ol' Bill is already out $1000 and here is his opportunity to make it back so he decides to go for it. Bill proceeds to eat the other half of the shit pile. He too starts gaggin' and pukin' but makes it through, though he is now completely ill.

The two Cowboys, now both green and sick, get on their Horse's and start riding down the trail again. A few minutes later, Fred says to Bill, "Hey Bill I've been thinking, did we just eat a huge pile of shit for free?"

This story had a strong moral message but I forgot what it was....

-Loneswinger

[Usge]

Good ole boy been out drinkin' was driving his truck home and got pulled over by Alabama state trooper. Trooper says...."Son, you got any ID". Good ole boy says..."bout what"

[Azframer]

What does a welder and a prostitute have in commend, not much but both lay on their backs hollering more rod, more heat, and more money.
Why can't blondes use vibrators,,,,it chips their teeth.

[Azframer]

This guy is looking through the classified section of the news paper and see an ad: Best squirrel dog in the world $500 with phone #. So he calls him up and says: Best squirrel dog in the world $500, $500 is a lot of money for a dog. Seller: well you have to see him hunt. They set something up for the weekend and go. They turn the dog out and he sniff around and goes up to a tree and puts a paw on it. Buyer: Whats the matter with your dog. Seller: Aw he is just trying to tell ya he has a squirrel in the tree. Sure enough they shoot'm and bag'm. Dog sniffs around and runs up to another and throws 2 paws on the tree. Buyer: I guess that means there is 2 squirrels in this tree? Seller: Yep They shoot'm them and bag'm. They are walking and talking and loose track of the dog. It barks and raises all kinda hell. They finally find it under a tree. Laying on its back, tongue hangin out, 4 paws stuck in the air, Dick hangin out, tail run between its leg stuck up its ass. Buyer: Jeeze what the hell is a matter with your dog? Seller: Ah he is just tryin to tell you something. He is tryin to tell you he treed 4 squirrels and you f**ked around so long one got in the hole