The liar's bench

[thecroweater]

Anyways a friend of mine get acosted down the beach by a fishing inspector for taking a a crab out of season so he explains to the fisheries dude that this crab is in fact his pet crab Arnold that he;s owned for 5 yrs and he takes down beach twice a week for a quick swim. Don't give me that shit the inspector says and me mate says look what if I can prove it I just put it in the water and he goes out and in one or two min come back, with that he slings the crab in the water. So after about 4 or 5 min the inspector say right bud where's the crab, "what crab" he says"

[wayne Robinson]

When I was a lad , we used to sneek onto
the military property at camp Miramar in San Diego. There was what was called farmers pond, a lake closed to the public. One time camping out I fished for dinner. I caught the biggest blue gill I had ever seen. When fire was hot and I was ready I scaled and cleaned the fish and it barely fit in the pan. After cooking it for 5 minutes or so I went to turn it over to cook the other side. The fish started flapping out of the pan. Down to the lake and swam away. True story.

[S-Cackalacky]

When I was a lad , we used to sneek onto
the military property at camp Miramar in San Diego. There was what was called farmers pond, a lake closed to the public. One time camping out I fished for dinner. I caught the biggest blue gill I had ever seen. When fire was hot and I was ready I scaled and cleaned the fish and it barely fit in the pan. After cooking it for 5 minutes or so I went to turn it over to cook the other side. The fish started flapping out of the pan. Down to the lake and swam away. True story.

Ye mus notta kill it dead nuff.

Just sayin',
S-C

[goose eye]

There was one ole boy round these parts that mated his bees
with lightnin bugs. So the can work thru the nite on new moons.
He tryin now with woolly worms so they aint so cold in the winter.


So im tole

[Truckinbutch]

Well , I'd made it all the way to the 4th grade without bein held back ary a year when we got this new school principal . He was a 'Law and Order ' man and had a plan for the continuance of our education . School records revealed to him the ones of us that got the most paddlings . That defined his target enforcement zone .
So, every morning , he met the busses and lined us up in the hallway . When the last bus had emptied he marched his line of 'chosen ones' to the furnace room and paddled us all . According to him , that gave us a free pass on the first infraction of the day and didn't interrupt the education process as much .
Efficiency .......
He was fond of cigars . At every after school function he could be seen slipping out through the cafeteria kitchen to smoke a cigar out on the back drive .
We survived his first year and plotted all summer long . It was him or us . By the next term we had a plan . The 'Fall Festival ' was a BIG evening deal that everyone attended . That was when we struck . We got up on that flat roofed school and waited til he came out for a smoke and dropped a lasso over his neck and hauled back .
We was doin good , too ; had his feet 2 feet off the ground and was fixin to snub off the rope to a vent pipe when a bunch of Dads came out for a smoke and saw him kickin and turnin blue . They outweighed us and got him pulled to the ground before we could get the rope snubbed off . Then they got us off the roof and decided to hold a 'royal ass kickin' on us for what we had done , just on general principal . They were duty bound to do that , and a fine job of it they did ! With that stogie smokin Principal cheerin them on .
And then , they asked us what had prompted us to behave like that . And we told them .................
And then they comenced to givin that principal a 'ROYAL ASS WHIPPIN' that he barely survived for treatin their kids the way he had .
He resigned his position the next morning and we considered our mission accomplished

[S-Cackalacky]

Well , I'd made it all the way to the 4th grade without bein held back ary a year when we got this new school principal . He was a 'Law and Order ' man and had a plan for the continuance of our education . School records revealed to him the ones of us that got the most paddlings . That defined his target enforcement zone .
So, every morning , he met the busses and lined us up in the hallway . When the last bus had emptied he marched his line of 'chosen ones' to the furnace room and paddled us all . According to him , that gave us a free pass on the first infraction of the day and didn't interrupt the education process as much .
Efficiency .......
He was fond of cigars . At every after school function he could be seen slipping out through the cafeteria kitchen to smoke a cigar out on the back drive .
We survived his first year and plotted all summer long . It was him or us . By the next term we had a plan . The 'Fall Festival ' was a BIG evening deal that everyone attended . That was when we struck . We got up on that flat roofed school and waited til he came out for a smoke and dropped a lasso over his neck and hauled back .
We was doin good , too ; had his feet 2 feet off the ground and was fixin to snub off the rope to a vent pipe when a bunch of Dads came out for a smoke and saw him kickin and turnin blue . They outweighed us and got him pulled to the ground before we could get the rope snubbed off . Then they got us off the roof and decided to hold a 'royal ass kickin' on us for what we had done , just on general principal . They were duty bound to do that , and a fine job of it they did ! With that stogie smokin Principal cheerin them on .
And then , they asked us what had prompted us to behave like that . And we told them .................
And then they comenced to givin that principal a 'ROYAL ASS WHIPPIN' that he barely survived for treatin their kids the way he had .
He resigned his position the next morning and we considered our mission accomplished

Vengeance is sweet - especially when seasoned with righteous indignation.

[ga flatwoods]

While in college one April Fools Day I decided to call home ine the late evening and fool Mama. Well she was at Wednesday evening prayer service, pot luck dinner there that night as well, and Daddy answered the phone. My baby brother also picked up but didnt say anything to acknowledge he was there. I knew better to fool with Daddy but decided to anyway. It was an off joke for him before I even started as he spent a career in law enforcement. So the joke goes that another guy from the same hometown and I had been riding and a drinkin and he wrecked his car and we were in jail. "YOU DAMN WELL BETTER NOT BE AND YOU CAN STAY YOUR ASS THER IF YOU ARE!" is all my brother heard before he jumped on his bike and pedals to the church. He tells Mama that I was in a wreck and Daddy was mad. She jumps up has to go get her dish (they hadnt eaten yet) and is joined by others who want to know what is happening. She briefly explains and rushes out. They pray for me. At home Daddy is watching tv smoking cigarettes and asks if church is over so soon. She is immediately mad at him and wants to know why he isnt getting ready to go see about me. He acts drunk not knowing what she is talking about. She tells of my brother going to the church. When Daddy tells her it was an April Fool joke what then went through her mind made her need church real bad! So she puts her food back in the vehicle and goes back! I didnt know all of this happened until a got a "Rest of the Story" letter on Friday before I headed home. I hung out late before I showed up! I blamed my brother for the whole thing, what else was I to do?!

[S-Cackalacky]

Well, today is the 150th anniversary of the battle of Gettysburg - the day Gen. Robert E Lee stepped on his dick. On the first day of the battle, Lee had the Northern forces on the run, but failed to follow through. The Union troops retreated to defensive positions - most notably Cemetery Hill. The North rallied to win the battle after an additional 2 days of fighting. Of all the battles during the "War of Northern Aggression", this battle was the pivotal point that turned the tide of the war and sealed the fate of the Confederate States of America.

1"The South's fate was sealed with the utterance of two words - "if practicable". General Lee understood the defensive potential to the Union if they held this high ground. He sent orders to Ewell that Cemetery Hill be taken "if practicable." Ewell, who had previously served under Stonewall Jackson, a general well known for issuing peremptory orders, determined such an assault was not practicable and, thus, did not attempt it; this decision is considered by historians to be a great missed opportunity."

Just sayin',
S-C

1 - quoted from Wikipedia - The Battle of Gettysburg, First Day

[Rng4]

And we have been paying for that mistake ever since

[Jimbo]

.. we ....

Um, no.

Love,

Damn Northerner

[S-Cackalacky]

.. we ....

Um, no.

Love,

Damn Northerner

Jimbo, I think the context in which "we" was used would indicate that he was referring to his fellow Southern compatriots.

Just sayin',
S-C

[Jimbo]

.. we ....

Um, no.

Love,

Damn Northerner

Jimbo, I think the context in which "we" was used would indicate that he was referring to his fellow Southern compatriots.

Just sayin',
S-C

Yes exactly. I know what he was saying. I took it as an opportunity to have some fun, in good spirits of course.

[S-Cackalacky]

.. we ....

Um, no.

Love,

Damn Northerner

Jimbo, I think the context in which "we" was used would indicate that he was referring to his fellow Southern compatriots.

Just sayin',
S-C

Yes exactly. I know what he was saying. I took it as an opportunity to have some fun, in good spirits of course.

No harm, but with all due respect, if you were to say something like that at the actual "liar's bench" down the road from my house, you wouldn't be in a real safe place. Ole boys around here still proudly fly the stars and bars in their front yards. Those who have many generations of ancestors here can still tell the stories passed down to them about the pillage and destruction carried out by Northern troops. It's some serious shit.

Just sayin',
S-C

[LWTCS]

Northern Troops? Thought we wuz friends with Canada? I thought all them Canadians wuz good and friendly ever time I ever met one.
Shoot BD seems about like one of the nicest ones ever but I am not sure he was in the military? Say anybody know if BD was ever a Northern Troop?
I like them Canadians.

Time to heal by now, No?

[blind drunk]

Happy Canada Day

[LWTCS]

See there...Told ya BD was friendly.

Can tell them fellers not to worry no more bout them Northern Troops.......
Though I will say,,,, its a good life if all ya got to worry bout is them Northern Troops!

Yep,,,soon as I git me some free time,,,,I just may start worryin bout them Northern troops too.

Plus,,,,they so easy to worry bout cuz they friendly.

[goose eye]

Most folks aint got a clue they flyin a navy Jack.
Stars an bars battle flag was squar an had
gold round it.

Bonnie blue


So im tole

[S-Cackalacky]

Most folks aint got a clue they flyin a navy Jack.
Stars an bars battle flag was squar an had
gold round it.

Bonnie blue


So im tole

Most ole boys around here never even seen the ocean. Maybe it makes them dream of Myrtle Beach.

Just sayin',
S-C

[Bushman]

I am from the state of Washington which wasn't in existence during that time frame but I remember a cruise down the Mississippi some years back (20) on a paddle wheel called the Mississippi Queen. We had stops in Vicksburg and Nachees and because we weren't from the true north I believe they tolerated us, but to here them talk there has only been one true war!

[Tater]

There are some who still feel very strong about that invasion http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mz_GLcum ... detailpage" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

[S-Cackalacky]

I am from the state of Washington which wasn't in existence during that time frame but I remember a cruise down the Mississippi some years back (20) on a paddle wheel called the Mississippi Queen. We had stops in Vicksburg and Nachees and because we weren't from the true north I believe they tolerated us, but to here them talk there has only been one true war!

Even though the civil war isn't a part of our living history, there is still its indelible mark left on the culture of the South. It would seem impossible for someone who is not a part of that culture to understand any of it - as evidenced by those of the Northern states who are responding here. Everywhere I turn in the community and state where I live, there are reminders of what took place here those many years ago.

A good friend of mine owns a small farm in the valley. Once we were walking the creek just down the hill from his house. We came up on a pile of rubble - field stones with some of them still mortared in place where walls once stood. I asked him, "What is that?". He said, "That's what's left of my great great granddaddy's grain mill after the yankees got done with it.". You see, the objective of the invasion of the Shenandoah Valley was to shut down the production of goods (food) that would be allocated to the South's war effort - much like the bombing of industrial cities in Germany during WWII. Almost all of the valley was affected. Crops were burned, animals killed, mills and railroads destroyed, and livelihoods taken away - people starved.

When that war ended with the defeat of the South, further humiliation was heaped upon the people in the form of what was called reconstruction, or what might be more aptly called deconstruction. The one person (Andrew Johnson) who might have helped HEAL the riff between the North and South was impeached for his efforts. Out of the animosity created by the injustice of reconstruction grew a kind of resentment that exists to this day. Much of this resentment still manifests itself in very real ways - the existence of the KKK and racial tension are probably the most notable legacies of reconstruction. You see, reconstruction became the North's punishment of the South. This isn't just my opinion - many historians agree with this assessment.

Attitudes toward battlefield sites can serve as examples of the divide that still exists between the two regions of the nation. Gettysburg is almost revered by everyone and rightly so - some 80,000 casualties and for the North it marked the hope of an end to the conflict. But then, look at a place like Manassass battlefield in Virginia. In 1988 a developer had plans to build a shopping mall on land adjacent to the battlefield and then again In 1993 there was an effort to build a Disney theme park on land within a few miles of the battlefield. These development efforts were avoided only by the intervention of many Virginians (and others) who strongly protested the developments. I dare say that the construction of such projects adjacent to Gettysburg would never have even been considered. The only difference is location and the victor of the battles. It's not hard to understand that the Manassass situation would be an insult and slap in the face to those who care about their Southern heritage.

Bushman, you got a little taste of this on your riverboat trip. Perhaps, now, you may understand the mind set of those Southern people with whom you made contact. There are many diverse cultures within our nation. In most cases those cultures are born of historical circumstances. I lived a couple of years in New Orleans, LA and can tell you that their culture is far removed from say, Charleston, SC. The commonality of the two cultures is the interjection of the civil war. And, believe me, the mark of that war is on both cities to this day.

I don't really have anything more to say on the subject. Sorry my little post on some of the history of the battle of Gettysburg raised so much shit - that was not my intention.

Just sayin',
S-C

[Jimbo]

Maybe Im an ignorant northerner. Certainly appreciate what youre saying and the sensitivity of these things down south cack. I can say Ive spent a lot of time in various southern states and a lot of time with the people there, and its no exageration or attempt at backpedaling my way out of a silly joke, southern folk are the nicest most accomodating folk in the country. I once said on here somewhere I never met a Texan I didnt like. That pretty much goes for everyone I met south of the mason dixon, except maybe Florida LOL, come on now, Jimbo gotta throw a joke in there....

As far as joking and elbowing around the liars bench. Stuff only be said shittin over drinks around friends with a common passion, like you folk, but maybe this topic best left alone...

nuff said, back to 'stillin.

[LWTCS]

Yes, just funnin round the liar's bench is all.

All my kin from round Ore, Conway, Myrtle and Cherry Grove. I know how feelings can be.

[heartcut]

Funny how stuff works. We won the Revolutionary War, but couldn't have done it without France. After the Civil War, France and England sent a fleet of ships to take us over, beings that both sides had wore each other out, but the Czar of Russia sent it's own ships to help out- when the English and French Navys arrived, the Russian ships were waiting, rested and provisioned, and sent them back home. Since then, we've bailed out all three and they've pitched in a time or two for us.
Wonder what would have happened if William Barksdale had started his Gettysburg charge a few hours earlier? That field might be revered by a different country.
FYI- born in Oregon, but live in Texas.

[S-Cackalacky]

Back to some kind of normalcy -

Old folks -

When I was a youngun in S. Cack, there were two old houses across the street from us. Both probably dated to a few decades before the civil war. Two old ladies lived in them. They were both around 100 years old and were born in their respective houses and knew each other since childhood. Ms. Bean and Ms. Fowler would stand on opposite sides of the fence that ran between their yards and yell obscenities at each other. On Sunday mornings Ms. Bean's son would roll up in his 1947 Cadilac to take the two ladies to church. They would walk out of their houses and over to the car where Ms. Bean's son would be waiting to help them in. Before getting in, they would face each other and embrace and then climb into the car. I guess the Sunday morning ritual was to cleanse themselves for the coming week of flinging shit over the fence.

I have fond memories of both old ladies, but Ms. Fowler in particular. She liked to surround herself with children. A bunch of us neighborhood kids would show up on her porch. She would always invite us into her parlor and sit us down for a peppermint stick and a story. The parlor was decorated with old stuff (damned old stuff). There were old pictures of family who were long since dead. In particular there were pictures of her father and her brother who were dressed in Confederate uniforms. On the front door facings hung two calvary swords - one on each side of the door. She would tell us stories of the times when her brother and father were in the war. I don't really remember any of the stories. I guess I was too fascinated with the swords.

After a while Ms. Fowler went away to live with relatives and soon after died. Some people came to her house one day to clean it out so it could be put up for sale. They threw tons of stuff on the curb for the trash truck to pick up. Among the things were an antique dealers wet dream. Us kids ransacked the pile of stuff and made off with, among other things, a Confederate tunic - gray with yellow braiding on the sleeves and shoulders. We had a good old time playing civil war with our stick swords and taking turns wearing the old tunic. Being younguns we had no appreciation of what we had and it was eventually destroyed. Funny how other people's memories can wind their way into your own memories. I sometimes feel guilty about not having more respect for Ms. Fowler's memories.

Just sayin',
S-C

[Truckinbutch]

Great post , Goose eye .
S Cak ,
Many great stories from the old folks that were there where I grew up , too . Jones/Imboden Raid swept right through the farm I live on . Ironic that the northern sympathizers hid their livestock and stores after getting warning of the raid . The southern supporters were sure they were safe from their brethren .
WRONG!!!
'Grumble' Jones and General Imboden didn't care dick for politics . They had an army to feed and took what ever they found , mostly from Confederate sympathizers .
My family took no side . They traded horses and sold whisky to both sides . Hid assets any time either side was conducting a raid .

[thecroweater]

It is with interest I read bits of the attitude and thoughts of the civil war. We here have never endured one and the federation of our states came about peaceful and quietly. We have had some rebellions and insurrections. The most tumultuous one was in 1854 not 10 miles from this place. I drive pass the graves of its victims several times a week. Although the "rebels" lost the battle in the aftermath it would be fair to say they won and our entire political structure changed for the better from that point on (the battle that made Australia the place it is today). The rebel flag was a blue flag with a white cross with 5 stars, one at each end of the cross and one in the centre. This flag has become the symbol of freedom from oppression (particularly from the state) and is still used in that way .I would have liked this symbol as my avatar but the member here "Saltbush Bill has it (good choice SBB ) Below is a link to a wikki write up of the insurrection for those interested
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eureka_Rebellion" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

[S-Cackalacky]

It is with interest I read bits of the attitude and thoughts of the civil war. We here have never endured one and the federation of our states came about peaceful and quietly. We have had some rebellions and insurrections. The most tumultuous one was in 1854 not 10 miles from this place. I drive pass the graves of its victims several times a week. Although the "rebels" lost the battle in the aftermath it would be fair to say they won and our entire political structure changed for the better from that point on (the battle that made Australia the place it is today). The rebel flag was a blue flag with a white cross with 5 stars, one at each end of the cross and one in the centre. This flag has become the symbol of freedom from oppression (particularly from the state) and is still used in that way .I would have liked this symbol as my avatar but the member here "Saltbush Bill has it (good choice SBB ) Below is a link to a wikki write up of the insurrection for those interested
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eureka_Rebellion" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

Australia has an interesting history. I also find it interesting that many of the early settlers come from the same Scots Irish stock as the early settlers of Western North and South Carolina and probably the mountains of Virginia. There seems to be a commonality of spirit between the two populations as well - a willingness to put it all on the line for freedom and the just cause.

Just sayin',
S-C

[thecroweater]

yep and south Australia had loads of Lutherans that came to escape the lack of religious and secular freedom. Some of my ancestors were fennyons, officers of the Irish freedom fighters sentenced to transportation after the loss at the battle of Vinegar hill. you can imagine these ppl and there descendants valued freedom, Mums side are mostly Lutherans As an American orator many yrs ago was reported to have said "A person who surrenders freedom for safety deserves neither" . A good proverb (within reason)

[heartcut]

Benjamin Franklin.
They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.

Very good- ironic you would remember that which my government seems to be forgetting. Wonder if Mr. Franklin would be in jail if he was alive today?