The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....
she's 21,
big tits, and her name's Lucy.
Jokes
Moderator: Site Moderator
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mash rookie
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2010 8:20 am
- Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: Jokes
Welcome back JK 
Keep em coming!
Keep em coming!-
ArcticTern
- Novice
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2008 3:58 am
- Location: Canadian
Re: Jokes
that's some funny stuff; previous page was hilarious
tx.
Re: Jokes
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with
everything I need -
"KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps,
the lot.."
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with
everything I need -
"KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps,
the lot.."
Cheers!
Re: Jokes
a guy came to work tired and not worth a shit,,the boss called him aside
he asked "whats the matter?" the man says "I haven't been able to sleep" .
the boss says "why dont you try what I do.I have sex with my wife".
the man says "Ill have to try that.."
the next day the man came in all chipper,,the boss says "see it works.."
the man ,,"IT shore did and by the way you have a real nice house.."
he asked "whats the matter?" the man says "I haven't been able to sleep" .
the boss says "why dont you try what I do.I have sex with my wife".
the man says "Ill have to try that.."
the next day the man came in all chipper,,the boss says "see it works.."
the man ,,"IT shore did and by the way you have a real nice house.."
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junkyard dawg
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3086
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:40 am
- Location: Texas
Re: Jokes
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
this is the internet
Re: Jokes
A professor at the Brighton University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Ahmed, in all the years I've been
giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've
got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Oh, from way back there I thought you said 'Goats'."
Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Ahmed, in all the years I've been
giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've
got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Oh, from way back there I thought you said 'Goats'."
Oh,look!! Its a hole in the space-time contuum!!
You may have a drinking problem if:
You may have a drinking problem if:
You’ve stepped on your own fingers.
You walk into a new bar and ask to see the finance manager.
You receive divorce papers from your liver and it wants full custody of the kidneys.
You drank so much beer last night you single-handedly wore out a fresh urinal cake
The cops set up a DUI checkpoint in your driveway.
You catch yourself rambling on about Thunderbird’s “delicate, yet audacious bouquet.”
You have to go to court to find out what happened.
You own three beer bong patents.
The arresting officer tells you that you have the right to remain silent and you waive that right so you can finish singing Enter Sandman.
You installed shag carpet because it’s easier to hang on to.
Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.
You become sexually aroused by the tapping of a keg.
Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open.
You’re half scotch, and your ancestors aren’t from Scotland.
Your first science fair project was a still.
You shout, “Turn up the goddamn jukebox!” in a department store.
Winos have stopped asking you for change. They just nod and give you that weird half-smile.
You sometimes like to start the morning with a hearty, “Who the fuck are you?”
Bouncers have a special headlock named after you.
You need help getting the breathalyzer in the right hole.
Pink elephants get drunk and they see you.
You can blow a .08 BAC from twenty feet away.
You’re kept awake at night by the sound of your liver crying.
You hate the person you become when you black out, because, you know, that fucker drinks all your beer.
You don’t like to think of it as blacking out. You prefer to think of it as exercising the lizard brain.
You refer to your mouth as your “booze hole.”
The bartender asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
You refer to grapes as “wine eggs.”
You masturbate to the liquor ads in Playboy.
You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the spill tray.
You’ve stepped on your own fingers.
You walk into a new bar and ask to see the finance manager.
You receive divorce papers from your liver and it wants full custody of the kidneys.
You drank so much beer last night you single-handedly wore out a fresh urinal cake
The cops set up a DUI checkpoint in your driveway.
You catch yourself rambling on about Thunderbird’s “delicate, yet audacious bouquet.”
You have to go to court to find out what happened.
You own three beer bong patents.
The arresting officer tells you that you have the right to remain silent and you waive that right so you can finish singing Enter Sandman.
You installed shag carpet because it’s easier to hang on to.
Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.
You become sexually aroused by the tapping of a keg.
Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open.
You’re half scotch, and your ancestors aren’t from Scotland.
Your first science fair project was a still.
You shout, “Turn up the goddamn jukebox!” in a department store.
Winos have stopped asking you for change. They just nod and give you that weird half-smile.
You sometimes like to start the morning with a hearty, “Who the fuck are you?”
Bouncers have a special headlock named after you.
You need help getting the breathalyzer in the right hole.
Pink elephants get drunk and they see you.
You can blow a .08 BAC from twenty feet away.
You’re kept awake at night by the sound of your liver crying.
You hate the person you become when you black out, because, you know, that fucker drinks all your beer.
You don’t like to think of it as blacking out. You prefer to think of it as exercising the lizard brain.
You refer to your mouth as your “booze hole.”
The bartender asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
You refer to grapes as “wine eggs.”
You masturbate to the liquor ads in Playboy.
You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the spill tray.
Re: Jokes
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom.
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blanikdog
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 4545
- Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:55 pm
- Location: Bullamakanka, Oztrailya
Re: Jokes
That was terrible, heynonny.
EDIT: and Dunder.
EDIT: and Dunder.
Simple potstiller. Slow, single run.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
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blind drunk
- retired
- Posts: 4848
- Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:59 am
Re: Jokes
A guy was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. "
When the guy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The guy nodded. "I'll tell you though, my Jesus, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from the fuckin' skippin'. "
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. "
When the guy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The guy nodded. "I'll tell you though, my Jesus, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from the fuckin' skippin'. "
I do all my own stunts
Re: Jokes
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular people porn, you sick bastard.
To which she replied, "No, it's regular people porn, you sick bastard.
Re: Jokes
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle…
The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.
She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place.’
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.
She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place.’
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
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jus teasin
- Swill Maker
- Posts: 152
- Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:06 pm
- Location: Owyhee County Idaho
Re: Jokes
What do you do with a cowboy who has 4 balls?
Let him walk to 1st base.
Let him walk to 1st base.
Re: Jokes
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry'
and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry'
and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
Re: Jokes
A mans wife was caught shoplifting a tin of peaches in the local store one day.
Later, in court, the judge asked her how many peaches were in the tin. "Three", she answered.
"Well then", said the judge, "I sentence you to three days in jail".
Her husband stood up in the court and said, "She also took a large tin of corn your honour"...
Later, in court, the judge asked her how many peaches were in the tin. "Three", she answered.
"Well then", said the judge, "I sentence you to three days in jail".
Her husband stood up in the court and said, "She also took a large tin of corn your honour"...
♦♦ Samohon ♦♦
Beginners should visit The New Distillers Reading Lounge and the Safety and Related Issues among others...
Beginners should visit The New Distillers Reading Lounge and the Safety and Related Issues among others...
Re: Jokes
OK, I've just gotta post this one. I was browsing the net looking for a beer recipe my brother wants me to brew and came across this..
Heading: Are You an Anal Grain Measurer...
Whoever you are... Thank you...
Heading: Are You an Anal Grain Measurer...
Man it's just got to be a wind up. I nearly fell off the chair...I just use the dodgy bathroom scales. I weigh myself before, write down my weight and then go downstairs, grab the malt, which I have put into a bucket, half full by eye, maybe have a drink or something to eat, go back upstairs and stand on the scales with the bucket balanced on my head (so I dont throw of the balance). I then write down my new weight and subtract the old weight from this, this gives me the weight of the grain. I repeat this process 5 or 6 times till I get the required quantity.
I have found this method much better than my previous one. I only had envelope scales that measured upto 50g, so I would weigh out 50g of malt, then spread it all out on some graph paper so that no grains were stacked (so the thickness was 1 grain thick) and count the number of squares that 50g of malt took up. Once I knew the area that 50g took up I could multiply out by my required quantity. I found that my driveway was the only area large enough to spread out my 5kg of grain spread to 1 grain thickness, so on it I marked out a 5cm grid (3g accuracy!). It was then a matter of spreading out the malt until enough squares in the grid were filled. It was quite a simple method but I had to find another way because a flock of cockies started hanging out in the trees near the house and would descend on the spread out grain while I was carefully eyeing along the ground to make sure the layer was only one grain thick. So I started doing it at night, but the cockies still came but they couldnt see in the dark, so now Im missing the top of my left ear and my right thumb.
Whoever you are... Thank you...
♦♦ Samohon ♦♦
Beginners should visit The New Distillers Reading Lounge and the Safety and Related Issues among others...
Beginners should visit The New Distillers Reading Lounge and the Safety and Related Issues among others...
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jus teasin
- Swill Maker
- Posts: 152
- Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:06 pm
- Location: Owyhee County Idaho
Re: Jokes
A cowboy walks into a drugstore and gets a 3 pack of condoms.
the cashier asks do you want a paper bag.
Cowboy says no thanks she aint that ugly.
the cashier asks do you want a paper bag.
Cowboy says no thanks she aint that ugly.
Re: Jokes
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
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SingaporeSling
- Novice
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 7:23 pm
- Location: Deep South (Oz'stralia that is!)
Warning
Don't know if you've seen this before but it's a timely reminder - I've only got 2 words to say "Be Ware"
THIS IS SERIOUS
Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car, they both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them some change, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 18th, 29th, three times today, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
*Bunnings is a large hardware store in Australia.
THIS IS SERIOUS
Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car, they both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them some change, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 18th, 29th, three times today, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
*Bunnings is a large hardware store in Australia.
1 tequila...2 tequila...3 tequila...FLOOR!!
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junkyard dawg
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3086
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:40 am
- Location: Texas
Re: Jokes
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' "
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago," the cowboy replied.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' "
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago," the cowboy replied.
this is the internet
Re: Jokes
Man in the hospital bed wearing a oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicals black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicals in the other,..... she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen to me very carefully. Are- My- Test-Re- Sults-Back?