If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
?you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
?paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
?
?Note: Please take time to read this slowly. ?If you pay attention to the
?first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
?
?For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
?They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around.
?It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
?
?Judge #3 is an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting
from
?Springfield, Illinois.
?
?Frank: ?"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook
?off. ?As the original person called in sick at the last moment and I
?happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to
?the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in. ?I was assured by the other
?two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
?besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
?accepted and became Judge #3."
?
?Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
?
?Chili #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI.....
?
?Judge #1 A little to heavy on the tomato. ?Amusing kick.
?Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. ?Very Mild.
?Judge #3 (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? ?You could remove
?dried paint from your driveway. ?Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I
?hope that's the worst one. ?These Texans are crazy.
?
?Chili #2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI.....
?
?Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. ?Slight jalapeno tang.
?Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
?Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. ?I'm not sure what I'm
?supposed to taste besides pain. ?I had to wave off two people that wanted
to
?give me the Heimlich maneuver. ?They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
?the look on my face.
?
?Chili #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.....
?
?Judge #1 Excellent Firehouse chili. ?Great kick.
?Judge #2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
?Judge #3 Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. ?My nose feels like I
?have been snorting Drano. ?Everyone knows the routine by now. ?Get me more
?beer before I ignite. ?Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in
?the front part of my chest. ?I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
?
?Chili #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC.....
?
?Judge #1 Black Bean chili with almost no spice. ?Disappointing.
?Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. ?Good side dish for fish or
other
?mild foods, not much of a chili.
?Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
?it. ?Is it possible to burn out taste buds? ?Sally, the beer maid, was
?standing behind me with fresh refills. ?This 300 lb. woman is starting to
?look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
?
?Chili #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.....
?
?Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. ?Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
?considerable kick. ?Very impressive.
?Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. ?Must admit the
?cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
?Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no
?longer focus my eyes. ?I farted, and four people behind me needed
?paramedics. ?The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
?had given me brain damage. ?Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
?beer directly on it from the pitcher. ?I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
?It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
?Screw them.
?
?Chili #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY.....
?
?Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. ?Good balance of spices
and
?peppers.
?Judge #2 The best yet. ?Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic!
Superb
?Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filed with gaseous,
sulfuric
?flames. ?I crapped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through
?my chair. ?No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
?Can't feel my lips anymore. ?I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
?
?Chili #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI.....
?
?Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
?Judge #2 Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
?peppers at the last moment. ?**I should take note that I am worried about
?Judge #3. ?He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
?uncontrollable
?Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
?feel a thing. ?I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
?made of rushing water. ?My shirt is covered with chili,which slid
unnoticed
?out of my mouth. ?My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. ?At least
?during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. ?I've decided to stop
?breathing it's to painful. ?Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
?If
?I need air, I'll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
?
?Chili #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI.....
?
?Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. ?Not too bold but
?spicy enough to declare it's existence.
?Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. ?Neither mild nor
hot.
?Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell
?over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. ?Not sure if he's
?going to make it. ?Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
?chili????
?Judge #3 NO REPORT...
