Jokes

[HDNB]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

[harold01]

Love it, blondes get one one back

[Wildcats]

that's a good one.

[Saltbush Bill]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Wildcats]

That's funny man. Love it

[cranky]

Thought I'd show off what I did for Halloween yesterday

This year I decided not to answer the door so I just set up a table for the kids.

Then Mrs Cranky said I couldn't do that So I took the apples away and put gummy bears out, but left everything else the same.

Oddly, nobody took any gummy bears I thought they would have been fairly popular given they could have taken them all if they wanted.

[The Baker]

On the TV news tonight.
Some kids got back to mum with their treats.

Among them were blocks of rat poison.

Geoff

[Bushman]

I tried to make a joke about retired people
But none of them work.

[Bushman]

Being married to a Norwegian I found this cartoon funny.

[contrahead]

Being married to a Norwegian I found this cartoon funny.

I've never smelled authentic lutefisk or ha'karl or kiviak or surströmming; but I've a notion they'd all "knock a dog off a gut wagon”. Many people would be surprised to discover what they really would chew, were they ever to become hungry enough.

I like Limburger. But the tastiest stuff actually smells like athlete's foot fungus that was collected from between from Knute Rockne's sweaty toes, in 1929.

[Yummyrum]

Being married to a Norwegian I found this cartoon funny.

I've never smelled authentic lutefisk or ha'karl or kiviak or surströmming; but I've a notion they'd all "knock a dog off a gut wagon”. Many people would be surprised to discover what they really would chew, were they ever to become hungry enough.

I like Limburger. But the tastiest stuff actually smells like athlete's foot fungus that was collected from between from Knute Rockne's sweaty toes, in 1929.

Contrahead

Any chance of rephrasing that post in a form that mere mortals might understand .

Without the extensive google foo you possess , I have no chance of understanding what you are saying

[HDNB]

imagine the smell of a wagon full of entrails from a meat processing facility i.e. "guts".

[contrahead]

Any chance of rephrasing that post in a form that mere mortals might understand .

Translation: stinks pretty bad.

It's an old southern expression. Consider that in a time before cars, the butcher shops and slaughter houses were located in cities – and they produced a good deal of ofal, daily. It does not take long for ofal to turn ripe; only stray dogs, flies and buzzards are attracted to it. Someone had the odorous task of driving wagons loaded with this, out to beyond the city limits and dumping it.

[Yummyrum]

Gotcha … thanks

[sadie33]

First day of kindergarten the teacher asks the children to introduce themselves. A little girl stands up and says "hello, my name is Happy Bum." The class laughs and the teacher asks for her real name. The little girl says "my name is Happy Bum." The teacher looks in her file and tells the little girl her name is Gladys. The little girl says- "Glad Ass/Happy Bum it's the same thing."

[HDNB]

a woman, suffering intense headaches gets a referral to a hypnotist from her friend. after a couple of sessions, a week or two goes by and she's cured.

She says to her husband " you know those headaches ive been having?", I went to the hypnotist and he did this thing for me, and for the last two weeks i have been standing in front of a mirror each morning, repeating "i do not have a headache" ten times.

"it's awesome" she says, i haven't had a headache all week!"

the husband agrees that this great, and as they are talking the wife says, "you know honey, you haven't exactly been a firecracker in bed these last years, maybe the hypnotist could do something for you too".

so he agrees to a session.

the next week, he comes home from work early one day and sweeps his wife off of her feet and carries her to the bedroom. He says "just a minute honey" and disappears into the bathroom and a minute or two later he comes out and makes wild passionate love to her

"Oh, my gawd" she says, that was wonderful!!"

He hopped up out of bed and went back into the bathroom and returned a few minutes later and ravaged her a second time.

Soaked in sweat, she playfully ran her fingers through his hair and commented "oh you stud, you haven't made moves like that since we were in out 20's"

He jumped out of bed and headed for the bathroom once again, saying over his shoulder, "you haven't seen anything yet!"

Curious to know what his new secret was, she followed him to the bathroom and peeked through a crack in the door, watching him standing in front of a mirror repeating "she's not your wife, she's not your wife"

[EricTheRed]

Went for a walk past a farm with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."
We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.



She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."

[HDNB]

My therapist told me that i would build a better relationship with my wife if i maintained eye contact with her during sex.

Honestly, she looked really pissed off looking through the window at me and her sister.

[STILL WORKIN]

I'm sure it's not new.

I had to break up with my girlfriend but I lover her still!
Cheers!

[HDNB]

i live in an apartment and every morning at 9am, my 90 yr old neighbour who has Alzheimer's knocks on my door and asks me if i have seen his wife.

And every morning i have to explain to this 90 year old man that his wife has in fact been dead for quite some time.

Now you may ask yourself why i put up with this every morning. i mean, I could move, or just not bother to answer the door.

Truth be told, it's worth it for me. Heartwarming even, to see the big smile on his face every day.

[contrahead]

(A real letter written in 1995. From an old e-mail stored on a CD).
---------------------------------

Subject: FW: Your laugh for the day

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents,exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.


Dear Sirs and Madams:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr.Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by policeman who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything
on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives,inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers.)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news: You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents(ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/ reggae/ yuppie/ political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly, Bob

(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund)

[Alzahra888]

You can imagine the elation of having just filled my 20 L Oak barrel with UJSSM. I did the math and how awing it was to learn that would produce 37 bottles of whiskey Something like that could last a looong time and i want to age it for a year or so I gaily pondered. But then I remember there are 52 weeks in the year.

[HDNB]

everybody wish me luck. I have an appointment with the bank later today and if all goes well, i will be completely out of debt.

I'm so excited, i can barely get my ski mask on.

[Bushman]