Jokes

Little or nothing to do with distillation.

Moderator: Site Moderator

Jstroke
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 391
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2020 10:51 am
Location: somewherenorthahere

Re: Jokes

Post by Jstroke »

Yummyrum wrote: Mon Oct 31, 2022 12:50 am And here I was thinking the punchline would have had something to do with razors
My brain was headed down the same path.
If in doubt leave it out.
User avatar
heynonny
Swill Maker
Posts: 464
Joined: Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:17 am
Location: SoCal

Re: Jokes

Post by heynonny »

 A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance and then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
  
 
 
       Oh,look!! Its a hole in the space-time contuum!!
User avatar
HDNB
Site Mod
Posts: 7356
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 10:04 am
Location: the f-f-fu frozen north

Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

my wife was just yelling at me, telling me i'm lazy.

Dunno what her problem is. It's not like i did anything.
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
User avatar
Tater
Admin
Posts: 9673
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2004 9:19 am
Location: occupied south

Re: Jokes

Post by Tater »

I about died laughing. Good one! Copied.
A True Story .... Carnation Milk
When opening a can of carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this:
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family’s dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation…
So when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with “Carnation milk is best of all ....”
She said to herself “ I know all about milking cows and dairy farms… I can do this!”
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… A man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we WILL NOT Be able to use it...
Here is her entry
😂😂😂
Carnation Milk
Is best of all, No tits to pull ,
No hay to haul,
No buckets to wash,
No shit to pitch ,
Just poke a hole
In the Son-********
😂😂😂
image.png
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
howie
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 620
Joined: Sun Jul 19, 2020 7:34 am

Re: Jokes

Post by howie »

when i heard that they had found a cure for dyslexia.
it was like music to my arse
User avatar
HDNB
Site Mod
Posts: 7356
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 10:04 am
Location: the f-f-fu frozen north

Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

i must be getting old.

i was laying in bed watching tv while the wife had a shower. She comes out and drops her towel on the floor, looks at me and yells "Super Pussy!"

without looking up i said "soup would be great, thanks."
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
User avatar
EricTheRed
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 1106
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2021 10:49 pm
Location: South Africa

Re: Jokes

Post by EricTheRed »

HDNB wrote: Fri Nov 18, 2022 7:21 pm i must be getting old.

i was laying in bed watching tv while the wife had a shower. She comes out and drops her towel on the floor, looks at me and yells "Super Pussy!"

without looking up i said "soup would be great, thanks."
Swambo found that hilarious 🤣 😆 😂
My fekking eyes are bleeding! Installed BS Filters - better! :D
Life has gotten interesting!
Bradster68
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 2159
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2021 9:57 am
Location: Canada

Re: Jokes

Post by Bradster68 »

I was laying in bed the other night and my wife came in and said hey I just shaved my pussy. Do you know what that means?
I said yeah the drains clogged again.
I drink so much now,on the back of my license it's a list of organs I need.
Just_Doug
Novice
Posts: 46
Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:46 am
Location: 3rd Rock

Re: Jokes

Post by Just_Doug »

Shop tools:
A list of definitions:

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a ****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
User avatar
EricTheRed
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 1106
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2021 10:49 pm
Location: South Africa

Re: Jokes

Post by EricTheRed »

Just_Doug wrote: Sat Nov 19, 2022 10:45 am Shop tools:
A list of definitions:

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a ****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
That had my eyes watering from laughing. Hilarious. Thanks, made my evening
My fekking eyes are bleeding! Installed BS Filters - better! :D
Life has gotten interesting!
Just_Doug
Novice
Posts: 46
Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:46 am
Location: 3rd Rock

Re: Jokes

Post by Just_Doug »

Glad to be of service. I've had that for at least 15 years and it never fails to make me laugh.
D.
The Baker
Master of Distillation
Posts: 4656
Joined: Sun Aug 27, 2006 4:48 am
Location: Northern Victoria, Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by The Baker »

Great.

Sent it to my former auto mechanic brother-in-law.

Geoff
The Baker
User avatar
Bushman
Admin
Posts: 17975
Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:29 am
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

F91BBC8E-17FC-4A77-93F7-B783DBAC7B6B.jpeg
User avatar
Bushman
Admin
Posts: 17975
Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:29 am
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: Jokes

Post by Bushman »

Neighbors complain that I don’t do enough outdoor decorating so this year I have this in mind.
51485557-F678-4B7F-9D08-88E960234004.jpeg
User avatar
Tater
Admin
Posts: 9673
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2004 9:19 am
Location: occupied south

Re: Jokes xmas

Post by Tater »

I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police👮. I have to brake hard, toss my beer🍺 out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas🎄. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.😂😂😂😂🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
User avatar
acfixer69
Global moderator
Posts: 4821
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:34 pm
Location: CT USA

Re: Jokes

Post by acfixer69 »

New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
December 5, 2022

A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.


The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going into retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”


The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”


The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.


The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man’s nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.


The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”
Bryan1
Swill Maker
Posts: 475
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2019 1:55 am
Location: South Oz in the hills

Re: Jokes

Post by Bryan1 »

I was at my grandfathers place last night as as we sipped some of my finest moonshine he said son let me tell about the war. I was 50 metres away from the the trench on the enemies side and after a few hours with a stiff leg and blood all over me I stumbled back to our trench.

The Captain demanded to know where I was and what I was doing where I replied I just had the best sex in my life sir doggy style, anal and all the positions where the Captain asked so did you get a headjob ?
I replied head what head there wasn't one.........
User avatar
Yummyrum
Global moderator
Posts: 7596
Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 2:23 am
Location: Fraser Coast QLD Aussie

Re: Jokes

Post by Yummyrum »

Bryan
I’m waving my naughty finger at you .
User avatar
HDNB
Site Mod
Posts: 7356
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 10:04 am
Location: the f-f-fu frozen north

Re: Jokes

Post by HDNB »

i asked my wife "what's the difference between a buying a sammich and buying a hooker"?
She frowned a bit a said "i dunno"
I tole her "nothing. If'n you did your job right, i wouldn't have to buy neither."

any you fellas got a couch i can crash on for a couple days?
I finally quit drinking for good.

now i drink for evil.
Jstroke
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 391
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2020 10:51 am
Location: somewherenorthahere

Re: Jokes

Post by Jstroke »

any you fellas got a couch i can crash on for a couple days?
[/quote]

Still shed with a broken down Lazy Boy, or the doghouse (with dogs), AKA, The Ritz, your choice.
If in doubt leave it out.
User avatar
Tater
Admin
Posts: 9673
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2004 9:19 am
Location: occupied south

Re: Jokes

Post by Tater »

You need to think around "old people". 😅 A tale from the wild, wild West ...
"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
He looked at the woman and laughed,
"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to"
A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.
When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.
The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid."
🖋️ ~John Mitchell~ 😎
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
User avatar
EricTheRed
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 1106
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2021 10:49 pm
Location: South Africa

Re: Jokes

Post by EricTheRed »

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good, or really bad!

It’s 5050...
My fekking eyes are bleeding! Installed BS Filters - better! :D
Life has gotten interesting!
User avatar
EricTheRed
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 1106
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2021 10:49 pm
Location: South Africa

Re: Jokes

Post by EricTheRed »

Boy and Squashed Frog

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted...

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want..'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
My fekking eyes are bleeding! Installed BS Filters - better! :D
Life has gotten interesting!
BoomTown
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 1498
Joined: Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:41 am
Location: Virgina

Re: Jokes

Post by BoomTown »

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
“…Let’s do this one more time....”
User avatar
contrahead
Trainee
Posts: 903
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2013 3:43 pm
Location: Southwest

Re: Jokes

Post by contrahead »

News media having a field day.

Omnia mea mecum porto
User avatar
EricTheRed
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 1106
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2021 10:49 pm
Location: South Africa

Re: Jokes

Post by EricTheRed »

Those dogs are cool! :D
My fekking eyes are bleeding! Installed BS Filters - better! :D
Life has gotten interesting!
User avatar
subbrew
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 1275
Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2021 1:40 pm
Location: West of the Mississippi

Re: Jokes

Post by subbrew »

Aaaaannnd apparently I am still banded from twitter and can't see Contra's post
User avatar
cranky
Master of Distillation
Posts: 6505
Joined: Fri Sep 27, 2013 3:18 pm
Location: Pacific Northwest

Re: Jokes

Post by cranky »

subbrew wrote: Tue Feb 14, 2023 11:51 am Aaaaannnd apparently I am still banded from twitter and can't see Contra's post
Maybe you should email Elon and get him to fix that :D
Bradster68
Site Donor
Site Donor
Posts: 2159
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2021 9:57 am
Location: Canada

Re: Jokes

Post by Bradster68 »

I drink so much now,on the back of my license it's a list of organs I need.
CoogeeBoy
Rumrunner
Posts: 573
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2020 6:56 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by CoogeeBoy »

subbrew wrote: Tue Feb 14, 2023 11:51 am Aaaaannnd apparently I am still banded from twitter and can't see Contra's post
what did you do.......?
Taking a break while I get a new still completed....
Post Reply