I think if youre having a hard time evidently youre doing it right!
Jokes
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Re: Jokes
It's much easier to cut a bit off than weld a bit on...
- VLAGAVULVIN
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Re: Jokes
Were they cooked alive in this "tunnel" during the distillation of spiced rum?
har druckit för mycket
Re: Jokes
This new age environmentalism is killing me. Sold my car and moved downtown into an apartment to reduce my carbon footprint...these bicycles are everywhere in the city center
Every morning i go for a walk and i get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Every morning i go for a walk and i get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
- EricTheRed
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- Location: South Africa
Re: Jokes
Priest vs Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
My fekking eyes are bleeding! Installed BS Filters - better! :D
Life has gotten interesting!
Life has gotten interesting!
- EricTheRed
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Re: Jokes
They walk amongst us.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said..."where???"
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the
half-kg.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned...
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said..."where???"
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the
half-kg.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned...
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.
My fekking eyes are bleeding! Installed BS Filters - better! :D
Life has gotten interesting!
Life has gotten interesting!
Re: Jokes
went into the doc' for a physical, last thing up the nurse comes in and hands me a little vial and sez "we do a sperm sample at 65, so take this home and bring it back tomorrow."
next day i took her back the container, she eyes it up and says "it's empty, what happened?"
well i sez, "first i tried with my right hand... nuthin....so i tried with my left hand and no luck."
"then the wife came in to help, she used both hands and even tried with her mouth - teeth in and teeth out- but nothing was happening so we called over the neighbor!"
"oh my goodness!" the nurse exclaimed..."you got the neighbor involved?"
"ya we sure did. She tried both hands and even between her knees for a while and then showed us a trick with her armpit, but that wouldn't work neither."
"Not a one of us could get that goddamn lid off!"
next day i took her back the container, she eyes it up and says "it's empty, what happened?"
well i sez, "first i tried with my right hand... nuthin....so i tried with my left hand and no luck."
"then the wife came in to help, she used both hands and even tried with her mouth - teeth in and teeth out- but nothing was happening so we called over the neighbor!"
"oh my goodness!" the nurse exclaimed..."you got the neighbor involved?"
"ya we sure did. She tried both hands and even between her knees for a while and then showed us a trick with her armpit, but that wouldn't work neither."
"Not a one of us could get that goddamn lid off!"
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
- EricTheRed
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- Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2021 10:49 pm
- Location: South Africa
Re: Jokes
SEX AFTER DEATH!!!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a fucking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a fucking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"
My fekking eyes are bleeding! Installed BS Filters - better! :D
Life has gotten interesting!
Life has gotten interesting!
- VLAGAVULVIN
- Distiller
- Posts: 1457
- Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:52 am
- Location: Western Urals
Re: Jokes
Two guys sitting in a bar. Both really pissed. One guy says 'hey, I don't feel too good.' He makes a dash for the toilet but ends up throwing up over himself.
He cleans up best he can and goes back to the bar. His mate says 'Jesus, look at the state of your jacket'. And the first guy says 'yeah, it's a new one. My wife will kill me'.
'I've got an idea' slurs his mate. 'Put a ten dollar note in the inside pocket and you can tell your missus that you bumped into a guy in the pub and HE threw up over you and was so embarressed he gave you ten bucks to clean the jacket.'
'Brilliant' says the guy and does as he suggests. And they get back to sinking a few more.
Mid morning the following day and the guy is being rudely shaken awake by an obviously pissed off wife. 'Ye gods, as well as staying out all night you can't even hold your drink. This jacket is ruined!'
'Ah, no', he replies, holding his aching head. 'There was this guy. Obviously had too much to drink. Bumped into him and HE threw up on me. Gave me $10 to get it cleaned. It's in the inside pocket'.
His wife, obviously not believing this bullshit, fumbles around in the pocket. 'Oh', she says. There IS some money here. But it's TWO ten dollar bills...'
There's a short pause and the guy says 'Ah, yeah. I remember now. The guy shit my pants as well'.
He cleans up best he can and goes back to the bar. His mate says 'Jesus, look at the state of your jacket'. And the first guy says 'yeah, it's a new one. My wife will kill me'.
'I've got an idea' slurs his mate. 'Put a ten dollar note in the inside pocket and you can tell your missus that you bumped into a guy in the pub and HE threw up over you and was so embarressed he gave you ten bucks to clean the jacket.'
'Brilliant' says the guy and does as he suggests. And they get back to sinking a few more.
Mid morning the following day and the guy is being rudely shaken awake by an obviously pissed off wife. 'Ye gods, as well as staying out all night you can't even hold your drink. This jacket is ruined!'
'Ah, no', he replies, holding his aching head. 'There was this guy. Obviously had too much to drink. Bumped into him and HE threw up on me. Gave me $10 to get it cleaned. It's in the inside pocket'.
His wife, obviously not believing this bullshit, fumbles around in the pocket. 'Oh', she says. There IS some money here. But it's TWO ten dollar bills...'
There's a short pause and the guy says 'Ah, yeah. I remember now. The guy shit my pants as well'.
- VLAGAVULVIN
- Distiller
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- Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:52 am
- Location: Western Urals
Re: Jokes
bwahaha
Forwarded this storey to my missus and she immediately remembered the catfish that ran away outta me once just onto the wall opposite our bed...
How young we were
Forwarded this storey to my missus and she immediately remembered the catfish that ran away outta me once just onto the wall opposite our bed...
How young we were
har druckit för mycket
Re: Jokes
our town has those "peace officer" cops...the bottom rung of the law around here. last time i got stopped by one of these rent a cops for going 4kph over the limit i gave the pimply faced little prick a nice loud "does your mother know you are out here harassing people" talk down
yesterday another one of these clowns shows up at my place and on answering the door:
"sir, we have had a report of your dog chasing people down the street on bicycle"
"not my dog" i sez "he doesn't ride a bike"
slammed the door and walked away. he didn't knock again.
yesterday another one of these clowns shows up at my place and on answering the door:
"sir, we have had a report of your dog chasing people down the street on bicycle"
"not my dog" i sez "he doesn't ride a bike"
slammed the door and walked away. he didn't knock again.
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
- EricTheRed
- Site Donor
- Posts: 1108
- Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2021 10:49 pm
- Location: South Africa
Re: Jokes
Good one (two)HDNB wrote: ↑Fri Jun 17, 2022 6:15 am our town has those "peace officer" cops...the bottom rung of the law around here. last time i got stopped by one of these rent a cops for going 4kph over the limit i gave the pimply faced little prick a nice loud "does your mother know you are out here harassing people" talk down
yesterday another one of these clowns shows up at my place and on answering the door:
"sir, we have had a report of your dog chasing people down the street on bicycle"
"not my dog" i sez "he doesn't ride a bike"
slammed the door and walked away. he didn't knock again.
My fekking eyes are bleeding! Installed BS Filters - better! :D
Life has gotten interesting!
Life has gotten interesting!
-
- Master of Distillation
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- Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 4:38 pm
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Re: Jokes
I grew up in a one cop town. The adjacent golf village had a young cop of their own, my boss did a lot of
business (remodeling) in the golf village. He came in the shop one day just steaming. Jason the kid cop in
the golf village gave him a speeding ticket. WE were in the process of remodeling the summer home of the
people Jason was renting a guest house from. we were scheduled to remodel the guest house also. Bossman
reached up on the key wall and handed me the keys to the guest house, and said go pull the toilet. Which I did
Jason went without a toilet for a loooooooooooong time, it was the last thing reinstalled after all the remodeling,
both houses, landscaping, paving, etc. owners called once in Jasons behalf, but the speeding ticket trumped toilet,
and nothing was ever said again by the owners. I never got a ticket from Jason and the boss never got another.
True story.
business (remodeling) in the golf village. He came in the shop one day just steaming. Jason the kid cop in
the golf village gave him a speeding ticket. WE were in the process of remodeling the summer home of the
people Jason was renting a guest house from. we were scheduled to remodel the guest house also. Bossman
reached up on the key wall and handed me the keys to the guest house, and said go pull the toilet. Which I did
Jason went without a toilet for a loooooooooooong time, it was the last thing reinstalled after all the remodeling,
both houses, landscaping, paving, etc. owners called once in Jasons behalf, but the speeding ticket trumped toilet,
and nothing was ever said again by the owners. I never got a ticket from Jason and the boss never got another.
True story.
be water my friend
- VLAGAVULVIN
- Distiller
- Posts: 1457
- Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:52 am
- Location: Western Urals
Re: Jokes
actually i recently read an article on the "top 10 worst cities for crime" we apparently have 2 of the most crime ridden cities in the world, Red Deer and Lethbridge, right here in the province of Alberta.......the police union and government don't let the police interact with criminals, they have been found to be dangerous and could result in a lost work time incident and/or a worker's compensation claim...therefore they stay busy by shaking down citizens for a few fine dollars with minor traffic infractions. Much safer for everyone.VLAGAVULVIN wrote: ↑Sat Jun 18, 2022 11:09 amLol. Lucky you there in Canada if your policemen have nothing to do but harassing people while asking their dogs not to speed when cycling.
You can be charged with a crime here, but only if you have enough money to pay a lawyer to get you off with a fine. win-win-win (i mean for the court, the cops and the lawyers)
I know it's the jokes section...this is kinda funny tho if you think about it.
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
Re: Jokes
just to get back to the eye-rolls....
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
I finally quit drinking for good.
now i drink for evil.
now i drink for evil.
Re: Jokes
My daughter has a pet mini pig and she invited her in laws to come spend the night. She jokingly told her FIL that the pig could sleep with the MIL. FIL said "What about the smell?" Daughter said no problem we could put a clothespin on the pigs nose.
- VLAGAVULVIN
- Distiller
- Posts: 1457
- Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:52 am
- Location: Western Urals
- VLAGAVULVIN
- Distiller
- Posts: 1457
- Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:52 am
- Location: Western Urals
Re: Jokes
Haha. A joke that is impossible in languages having grammatical gender. The advantage of English is obvious here.
har druckit för mycket