Jokes

[scarecrow]

A blonde was sitting with her girlfriends at lunch, feeling rather proud of herself.

She said " I finished a jigsaw puzzle yesterday, and it only took 3 years".

Her friend remarked "What's so good about that?"

The blonde said " Well, the cover said 9 to 12 years"

scarecrow

[Cornbread]

sometimes I wonder why that frisbee is getting bigger, then it hits me

[Cornbread]

A firefighter in Mexico had twin boys. He named them Jose & Hose B

[heynonny]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles, and sees a
card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more; 'Can you give me some more details?' he
asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving
foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's
examination.

There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque New Mexico . That's
about 620 miles from here.'

'Good grief, is that where the job is?'
'No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now...'

[WalkingWolf]

Heynonny,
That's a good one You could shorten that line up a bit if the clerk just happens to mention that the clinic also specializes in weight loss.

[Tater]

Starting to see same jokes re posted

[scarecrow]

Guy goes to the doctors because of erection problems.
Doc puts him on a new treatment. A special pill.
Say "Up" to get it up. "Holy shit" to get it down.
But, says the doc, it will only work three times.

On the way home he takes the pill to try it out.
"Up" he says. OMG, it works. "Holy shit" and he's back to normal.

In the garage he tries it again, thinking it was a fluke.
"Up" he says. OMG, it does work. "Holy shit" and he's back to normal.

This is too good to be true, he says, as he runs towards the bedroom, throwing off his clothes.
With an "Up", he slides into the bedroom in all his glory.

His missus wakes up with a "Holy shit", what the fuck are you doing".

scarecrow

[olddog]

I like that one, I wonder if Blanik knows they work that way.

[olddog]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew alot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town
and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town oneSaturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra..." with trembling hands, he did as he was told

and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

[Coyote]

In Tiger's statement to the press this morning
he said that the rumors of Elin hitting him
Thanksgiving night was false - She did not hit him that
night or any other night. . .


Turns out shes a morning person!

[Samohon]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Samohon]

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

"What was the problem?", the Doctor asked.
The elderly man then replied, "Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

"Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend had a go too?", enquired the Doctor!

"Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of this bloody specimen cup."

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Samohon]

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Samohon]

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks guys... Some of them are great, thought I would put in my 2 cents worth...

Great part of the site to unwind after searching the posts... Thanks Again...
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

[scarecrow]

A guy walks into a bar with a pig under his arm.
The bartender says "Where did you get that"
The pig says "I won him in a raffle"

A guy walks into a bar with a cane toad on his head.
The bartender says "Where did you get that"
The cane toad says "It started out as a wart on my bum"

Three blondes walk into a bar - one of them should have seen it.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Why the long face"

scarecrow

[Dnderhead]

A doctors daughter was going off to collage,in a month or so she wrote,,,
""Dear dad I cant find any transportation, so could you please send 100bucks so I can buy a bicycle?"
so he sent the 100 dollars but in the mean time she found a ride with a friend.
while she was out on the town she spotted a pet monkey so she bought that instead of the bicycle.
then the monkey got sick and started to lose its hair ,,, so she wrote home,,,,,,
""" Dear dad something is wrong with my monkey and it is losing its hair, what can I do?"""""

reply from dad,,,,,"" sell the dam bicycle!""

[blanikdog]

hahahahhahhahahaha Nice one dunder.

[Samohon]

ROWL Hahahahahahahah

Thanks Dunder

[Coyote]

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.
He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'


'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting Syphilis: which is why I came
here in the first place.'

[Samohon]

Heres a little something I found whilst browsing...



Made me laugh...

[Samohon]

A couple of Scottish ones....

A Scotsman and an Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached.
"May I get you something?" she asked. "Yes, I'll have a whusky" the Scotsman replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America, than drink Scotch Whisky!"
The Scotsman hurriedly passed the drink back to the stewardess, saying "Sorry, I did'nt know there was a choice!"

___________________________________________________________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering why the hell you have a pair of panties on under your pants.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing..
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alchol may Mack you tink you kan type reel gode.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think the jokes you are posting on HD are in fact funny.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks Guys...

[Samohon]

Just for a wee giggle...

Q: How do you disguise a giraffe in the jungle....
A: Paint it's balls red and let it pretend it's a cherry tree.....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Whats the loudest noise in the jungle.....
A: A monkey eating cherry's......

[heynonny]

Just received this and passing it on:

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard
about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference
between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

-hey-

[Samohon]

heynonny +1 ROWFL

[junkyard dawg]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground..

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After a few minutes of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking and drooling, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!!!!'

[computermatter10]

> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
> THINKING,
> SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
>
> MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
> FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
> WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
>
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE
> SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO
>
> .
> COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
>
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
>
> THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO
> OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED
> HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
>
> 'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
>
> HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
>
> 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
> THEN THAT UGLY,
>
> OLD,
>
> BALD,
>
> WRINKLED,
>
> FAT ARSED,
>
> GREY HAIRED,
>
> DECREPIT,
>
> BASTARD ASKED....
>
> 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
>
>
> LOL

[still crazy]

A Fish Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass
bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of homemade and poured a little whiskey in its
mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake
with two frogs in his mouth.

[ScottishBoy]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground..

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After a few minutes of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking and drooling, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!!!!'

Alright, I just spent 5 minutes in my cube trying so hard not to laugh I had to bite my cheeks.
That was funny!

[blanikdog]

A Fish Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass
bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of homemade and poured a little whiskey in its
mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake

with two frogs in his mouth.

hahahahaahahahahhahahaahhahahahahaa

blanik

[ScottishBoy]

To get any Scotsman to do something , all you have to do is tell them that they cant.
They will go to great lengths to make sure the Universe understands they are not to be trifled with.
This is the classic example of how caber tossing was invented:

Two Scotsmen were leaning against a tree after having imbibed of some serious whiskey.
The first one looks at the other and flexes his muscles and says " Eyyyymmm sooo bluddy strong, I can toss this tree end over end!"

His friend just chuckled quietly and said " bet you cant..."