Jokes

[Samohon]

Samohon comes to a bar and yells: "QUICK!!!! Give me a glass of beer!!! Before
IT gets started!!!"
The bartender goes: "What started?! What are you talking about?!"
"No questions. Just give me the beer, faster!!!" He drinks the beer and
screams again: "One more, hurry up!!! Before it gets started!!!"
"What started?!"
"Never mind!!! Give me my beer!!!" He drinks the second glass and continues:
"Third glass!!! Faster!!! before it gets started!!! Do it!!!"
Finally, the bartender asks: "Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?!"
And Samohon goes: "Damn!!!! It's started..."

[jeepkidd]

Heynonny is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Hackware walks in and
sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only
distracted grunts he asks Heynonny what the problem is.
"Well," said Heynonny, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions women ask.
Now I'm in deep doo-doo at home."
"What kind of question?, asked Hackware.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and
ugly."
"That's easy," said Hackware. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah", said Heynonny, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO....'"

[jeepkidd]

blanikdog comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The
barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a
drink of six-year-old scotch.
He gives it to blanikdog who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve
-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"
The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of
them get into a conversation about where blanikdog is from etc..
At one point blind drunk, who was sitting at the other end of the bar
comes over with a glass and hands it to blanikdog. The latter takes a
drink, and spits it out.
"This is piss!" he yells.
blind drunk nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

[dougyethanol]

sorry jeepkid a for that last one. it started out with promise, but finished poorly.

[jeepkidd]

dougyethanol staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as
he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed
at dougy when he finally makes it to the bar. "Get out of here!" says the
bartender.
"I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the dougy.
"I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender.
"I gotta go baffroom," says dougy and starts to drop his drawers.
"Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "all right, you can go to the bathroom,
but afterwards you get the hell out of my bar!"
Dougy agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes,
everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream
-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom.
There's dougy sitting down.
"What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender.
"I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says
dougy.
"Why, you stupid shit!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop
bucket!!"

[dougyethanol]

thats a better one.

[Samohon]

Jeepkidd gets a job as a bartender, on his first night he asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"?
The guy answers, "A scotch, please." Jeepkidd hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to jeepkidd, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration. Furthermore, if I were to be asked, I would think your customer has a very good case here and would have no hesitation in accepting, free of charge"

Jeepkidd was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Jeepkidd hollers at him, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" Jeepkidd then replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

[junkyard dawg]

So... Three men are standing at the gates of hell, awaiting their sentences. Satan approaches the first man, and asks him: "So, sinner, what did you do to end up here?" The man replies "Satan, during my life I was a raging alcoholic. I drank myself into a stupor every night and every day, beat my wife and berated my children constantly." Satan takes a look at him and says "I think we have a fitting punishment." He opens up a door, inside is a massive bar, full of huge kegs of beer and massive bottles of liquor. Satan pushes the man inside and locks the door for 100 years.

Satan approaches the second man and asks "What have you done to deserve eternal punishment?" "While I was alive I was an insufferable lecher, I cheated on my wife and had sex with every woman I could possibly get my hands on," the man replies. Again, Satan takes one look at him and says "I have the perfect punishment for you, as well." The dark lord opens a second door and inside is an enormous lounge, full of every type of beautiful woman you could imagine, completely naked." He pushes the second man inside and locks the door for 100 years.

Satan walks up to the third man. "And what did you do to end up here?" The third man replies, " all I ever wanted to do was get high. I'd sit around smoking pot all day and never bothered to do anything for anyone else." Satan once more says "I have the perfect punishment." He opens up a door and inside is a huge field of the most beautiful 10 foot cannabis plants the man had ever seen." Satan pushes him inside and closes the door."

100 years go by, and Satan returns to open the doors. He opens the first door and the alcoholic comes rushing out covered in his own vomit and various bodily fluids. "Oh Satan, that was terrible. I'll never touch another drop as long as I exist!" "Very well, it sounds like you've learned your lesson." Satan replies, and he lets him float up to heaven.

Satan opens the second door, and the sex addict rushes out screaming "I'M GAY! I'M GAY!" Satan lets out a great sardonic laugh and allows the man to float up to heaven.

Satan opens up the third door and the stoner is nowhere to be found. He walks out into the field and finds the pothead sitting on a stump. A single tear rolls down the stoner's face as he asks Satan "g..gg..g got a light man?"

[jeepkidd]

A distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession
before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"
"You could say that," the guy replied.
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
"No crap," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"

[Bushman]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry "

[Samohon]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[Samohon]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Samohon]

Lots of Love, Mom...
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Johnny was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Lots of Love, Mom...

[Bayou-Ruler]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[jeepkidd]

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar
for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man
threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the
evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the
fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this, the guy said, "Listen sister,
I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day, I like a
drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife that I idolize
and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family. I volunteer my time
to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various
charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I
apologize if I've offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that
all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look, there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a sweeping
statement? Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?
"Of course not!" gasped the nun. The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun
to some kind of evil degenerate?" asked the man.
"Well, I really don't know..."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One
drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the
person."
"Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of iniquity; it's out of the
question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than
in the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in
me."
"Well, let's go inside and settle this."
"No, my son, I could never enter such a place, but how about this? Take my tin
cup with you and fill it with the "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me
and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change from the tin cup and handed it to him. He went
into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could
you put one of them in this tin cup, please?"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that nun out there again?"

[junkyard dawg]

At a local Washington bar...

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight
in the eye and says, "Listen here, good-looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere,
your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
"No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"

[rtalbigr]

JD - That's your best ever. Had me spittin up my coffee with that one.

Big R

[jeepkidd]

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerf**k."

[junkyard dawg]

Once upon a time there was
a female brain cell which,
by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously
because it was all empty
and quiet.

'Hello?'
she cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?'
she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell
started to feel alone and scared.
So she yelled at the top
of her voice,

'HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice
from far, far away....



'We're down here ...'

[jeepkidd]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big
white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like
to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to
die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon,
Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto
and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create
enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not
able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns
that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this
time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun
runnin'."

[junkyard dawg]

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir What size? and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan
counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you
a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied..............


"From the floor ma'am.......From the floor."

[jeepkidd]

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only
woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her

[Dnderhead]

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[Prairiepiss]

  The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about
first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early
20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)


She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go."

[Dnderhead]

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Coke and ice will ruin your teeth......Apparently ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!!

[blind drunk]

LOLOL!!

[junkyard dawg]

[jeepkidd]

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls
looking at me.
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I
swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of
ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "But when I walked in, they were
speaking German."

[blind drunk]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[jeepkidd]

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular
basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she replied politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day
and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said, "but it certainly has my husband pretty
upset."