Jokes

[jeepkidd]

A body builder walks into a bar, and after a while and a few drinks, picks up
a girl, and decided to head back to his place. By the time they got home he
saw that the girl was so excited that he rips off his shirt, points to the
bulging biceps and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!"
The girl becomes even more excited. Seeing this, he then tears off his jeans,
points to his muscular thighs and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of
dynamite!"
The girl can hardly contain herself at this point. So finally, he drops his
"fruit of the looms". The girl jumps up and runs for the door, the guy catches
up with her and says, "Baby, where are you going?"
She replies, "With 2000lbs. of dynamite and such a short fuse I was afraid you
were going to explode!"

[rtalbigr]

jeepkid ur killlin me!

Big R

[jeepkidd]

Big R is in a pub and orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when
he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the
bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the
bartender, Big R throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is
pissed, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day Big R is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The
bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the
beer is kind of warm, but Big R doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, Big R gives him the $5 bill. The bartender goes to the
register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he
takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender
says, "Here is your damn change."
Big R looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws
them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"

[rtalbigr]

Ah Hell jeepkid, ur too much.

Big R

[jeepkidd]

k, 1 more for ya:

Big R and his wife moved in a new housing colony where all houses looked alike.
When drinking, Big R would come home late from the Bar, would not
figure out which house to go and end up disturbing neighbors by breaking and
entering in their house. So Big R put a different color light on the entry door
to distinguish his house.
Next night Big R came back earlier fully drunk. He saw the colored light found
his house. He mumbled to himself, "This is my house, see the purple light."
He puts key in the door and mumbled again, "This is my house, see how the key
fits in. He opens the door, enters, sees his still in the kitchen and mumbles,
"This is my house, see that beautiful Still", Big R then walks stealthily towards
bedroom so as not to wake up the wife."
He carefully opens the bedroom door and with great victory smile mumbles
again, "Damn it, I knew this was my house because there is my wife, and there
I am in bed screwing her."

[cob]

she said she wanted something that would go from 0 to 200 in three seconds-------so i bought her a scale. cob

[jeepkidd]

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.
He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."
The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."
"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell."
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."
And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."

[jeepkidd]

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he
decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink.' So he sits down at the bar,
and the gay bartender says to him, 'What's the name of your penis?' The guy
says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.'
The gay bartender says, 'I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your penis.' So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who
is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?' The
man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The guy asks, 'Why
Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin'!'
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity
margarita, 'So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to
him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because quality is Job 1', he then ads, 'Have
you driven a Ford lately?'
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a
name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my
penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer.'
The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
'Why secret?' The guy says, 'because it's strong enough for a man but made for
a woman!'

[jeepkidd]

I'm going offline for about a week... so here's an extra before I go:

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a
member for quite some time).
They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and
there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled
"34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his
friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend
said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just
numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number"
Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121"
and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at
least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?"
Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one
before."

[junkyard dawg]

Yer good jeep, real good

[junkyard dawg]

oh, this one's awful...

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange-looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."

The man said, "But that's the species of the fish - a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, okay."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I like this f***ing place already!"

[On The Bayou]

An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants zipper. The lovely red-haired barmaid says 'Excuse me, but did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?' To which the Irishman replies 'Aye, its driving me nuts.'

[Dnderhead]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special offer for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint my house."

[jeepkidd]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The big dude says, 'That was a karate chop from Korea.'
The little guy thinks 'GEEZ,' but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, 'That was a judo chop from Japan.'
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!! -- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him to the ground.
The little guy looks at the big dude and says, 'That was a Crowbar from Sears.'

[mash rookie]

WHAT IS IT?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women..

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?





A last name

[Bushman]

OK MR, we all know where our minds were with that joke!

[jeepkidd]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he
does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face,with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands
up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything
I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or handsoap in the
ladies room."

[Dnderhead]

The Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice " There's something I must confess"" Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right." "No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!" "I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your damned eyes."

[Dnderhead]

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone.

He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

...His wife say, "That's wonderful, What should I pack for .... Europe, Asia, the Caribbean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home.

[jeepkidd]

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini.
Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass
jar.
Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he
was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said.
"His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

[Prairiepiss]

Every day, a male employee walks up very
close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman
......can't stand it anymore. She takes her
issue to a supervisor in Human
Resources and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks,
"What's threatening about a co-worker
Telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank………The midget."

[jeepkidd]

A green horned northerner went down to Texas on vacation. One evening he
decided to go for a drink at his hotel's bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he
calls out, "Barkeep, I'd like a beer."
The barkeep asks, "You want a Texas size beer?"
Without hesitation the northerner answers, "Yep! I want it Texas sized."
The barkeep goes to get the beer and brings back a barrel of beer. The
northerner looks in surprise at the size of his beer. "Well, if I'm going to
drink all this I better get some popcorn."
"Texas size?" The barkeep ask.
Nodding the northerner says, "Yep! Texas size."
The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of popcorn and puts it
beside the northerner. A long time later the barrel of beer is almost empty
and the popcorn gone. The northerner sees the barkeep and motioning him over
slurs out, "Where's the bathroom?"
The barkeep points down a hallway. "Just go down that hall and take the first
door on the left."
The Northerner stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead of taking the
first door on the left he takes the first door on the right. He goes into the
dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.
"HELP! HELP!" He cries out. The barkeep runs into the room and turns on the
light.
The northerner in a panic cries out. "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"

[Dnderhead]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news there's a driver going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful !" "Hun" he answered, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them

[jeepkidd]

Dnderhead walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less,
please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come
across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last
week and he told me that I should drink less."

[rtalbigr]

Dnderhead must be going to the same doctor I'm going too.

Big R

[Prairiepiss]

Man looks at his wife & says " Your butt is big, I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill " He got a measuring tape, measured the grill , measured her bottom. "I was right, your butt is 2 " wider than the grill " The woman ignored him. Later that night, The husband is feeling frisky. He… makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. " What's wrong? " She says " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie?

[jeepkidd]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how
nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without
an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority,
figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a
diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise
I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the
manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they
have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a
great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."

[jeepkidd]

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the
girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of
inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and
they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session
were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the
worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"

[Dnderhead]

this is supposed to be for real,but funny so i put it here..



a guy in UK got 50 DUIs so they put a ankle monitor on him..it was on a prosthetic leg so he just left it at home and went anyway.

[jake_leg]

They caught him on the hop.

Boom tish.