Jokes

[Odin]

A man was walking through a rather bad part of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.

The man asked: "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied: "No."

Then the man asked: "Will you gamble it away?" And the bum said: "No."

Then the man asked the bum: "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

[Bushman]

Not sure it's a joke but I thought it was a good one!

[Ronin frog]

What do you call ronin frog when he gives up drinking?
Answer:dead! Hahahajaha

[Ronin frog]

Ok one more that my kid told me
Why did the sock cross the road?
A:because the chicken was wearing it.

[bearriver]

Here is a funny: http://ww.homedistiller.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=8

[Jkhippie]

I thought this was forum-appropriate...

[T-Pee]

Gay password: [enter]:###

tp (passed on by an LGBT-type friend so don't get thine panties in a knot)

[heartcut]

Both funny, with a segeway.

[junkyard dawg]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the f*‪#‎k‬ would you say?" ...

[heartcut]

Now that's funny! Shame about the cow.

[MadMasher]

I went to the doctor yesterday for a routine check up. He walked in and i asked," Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"

He replied," Damn, i guess some asshole's got my ink pen."

[junkyard dawg]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing bum stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no, you pervert....get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

[planethax]

What's an Irishman's idea of foreplay?

"Bonnie.....brace yourself!"

or:
You awake?

Sorry Heartcut,

It is actually like this:

"You asleep?"

Odin.

I thought it was

"You Asheep?"

[Bushman]

[heartcut]

Mary had a little sheep
With the sheep she went to sleep
Sheep turned out to be a ram
Mary had a little lamb

[heynonny]

When Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was confused.
But when Old MacDonald had a farm,
He really blew a fuse.

[Bushman]

Couldn't help myself!

[T-Pee]

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that broke out of jail??

They issued a "Small Medium at Large" bulletin.

tp

[heartcut]

Starcle, starcle, little Twink

[Truckinbutch]

Starcle, starcle, little Twink

Who the hell I are , you think ?
I fool so feelish I know not who I be
But , the drunker I stand here , the longer I be .

[Bushman]

[Tater]

Subject: Fw: $7.00 sex

$7.00 SEX
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it.

[Tal]

I was in this bar a couple of weeks back having a couple of quiet ones when this lady climbs on the stool next to me, she was about 50ish but very hot!...We started talking about this and that and after a few more drinks she looked at me and said", Ever had a mother / daughter threesome?" I was a bit taken back and answered "No". She said "Would you like to?"..I Said "Well, Yes...I would!"..so off we go to her place and everything was going fine...we walked inside and she turned and kissed me long and slow...then she stopped and called upstairs.."Mom,are you still awake?"

[Tal]

So the teacher says to the kids" I want you to think real hard for a few minutes and when ask you, tell me what you think lovely is",....after a short while the teacher said "Mary, what do you think is lovely ?"..."I think the tree's and flowers are lovely Miss",..."that's nice Mary...and what about you Sarah ?"...."I think cat's are lovely Miss" Sarah replied, ...The teacher said "Yes, that's good" and turned to Johnny,"And you Johnny...What do you think is lovely?"..."A Pregnant woman Miss!" ...Johnny said, "Oh, That's interesting " said the Teacher..."And why do you think that?"....."Well, we were all having dinner the other night and my 18 year old sister suddenly said, "I'm Pregnant!"....Dad Looked at her and said", Well, That's bloody lovely isn't it!!!"

[Odin]

This girl takes still admiration to a whole new level!

[planethax]

So there was this 89 year old virgin.

Her private area was starting to itch real bad so off to the doctor she went.

The Dr didn't really examine her at all and said
"You must have crabs I'll get ya some medication"

The ol lady responded
"I am 89 years old, a virgin and very clean, I can't have crabs!"

So off to another Dr for a second opinion.

Again the Dr didn't really examine her at all and said
"You must have crabs I'll get ya some medication"

The ol lady again responded and said
"I am 89 years old, a virgin and very clean, I can't have crabs!"

Quite frustrated she left to see yet another Dr for a third opinion.

She explained her situation and the results from the first two doctors.

Third Doc said he would do some tests to find out for sure.

A little while later the Doc returns.

"I have some Good news and some bad news for ya mam"

"What's the good news?" the lady asked

"Well you don't have crabs" the Doc replied.

"I knew it, I knew I didn't have crabs, I'm 89 years old, a virgin and very clean!"

"What's the Bad news then Doc?"

"You have fruit Flies" the Doctor responded

"Fruit flies?" asked the Lady "how in the Hell do I have Fruit flies????"
"Are ya sure Doc?"

"Yes Mam" the Doctor said

"It seems your Cherry is rotten"



:0

[Tater]

reckin they guilty?

[thecroweater]

So anyways, old preist spots some of his parishioners on the dock about to head out fishing and wishes them luck. The boys say well father ya most cordially invited to jump on board and come out for the day and having not fished for yrs he happily excepts. so they are out there for quite awhile when the priest hooks a beauty and with help from the rest pull the monster is and one exclaims "gawd look at the size of the fukka".
Father's jaw drops and the fisher quickly gathers himself and says oh sorry father that's just the name of the fish and if I'm not mistaken this is a southern spotted fukka. So with the day done they go home and the priest takes his catch back to the Abbey where he exclaims to the mother superior caught a fish and have a look at the size of the fukka.
Well she is really taken back and old father quickly explains that it is just the name of the fish so MS says well hand it over and I'll clean it for tea. The mother superior shows the cleaned fish to the Abbot and says this fukka is big enough to feed us all tonight and naturally the abbot is flabbergasted to here this language until it is explained that the fish is called a fukka.
So they are all about to sit down for dinner when low and behold , a surprise visit from the Pope. Anways after all the formalities they all sit down to eat and after the meal the Pope comments on the magnificent fish to which the priest says yeah I caught the fukka and mother superior say's yeah and i cleaned the fukka and the abbot adds oh yeah and I cooked the fukka . well the ole Pope just sat there gaping for a moment then slowly a sly smile comes across his mug, he pulls a flash of shine and a stogie out from under his cloak , couple of puffs and says "know what you's bastards are alright"

[Tal]

An Aussie Farmer, a Texas rancher and a Maori were having a big drinking session in a pub in New Zealand. They where all a bit pissy eyed and the Aussie said " Back home, my land is sooo big, it takes me two days to drive from one side to the other!"...the Texan says "Shit!..it takes me a week to drive from one side of my ranch to the other!"...they both looked at the Maori and he say's.."I used to have a car like that once!!"

[jedneck]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.