Funny sayings

[RevSpaminator]

Life's too short to drink light beer.

[thecroweater]

Life's too short to drink light beer.

Light beer is like rooting in a canoe (f#cking close to water)

[Tal]

Re the water:- Definition of ice?...water with a hard on...just sayin..

[whiskymonster]

from my grandad, god rest his cantankerous soul!
Used to indicate a cock up.

Tells ye lad, If'n i fell intae a barrel o tits, id come out suckin me bleedin thumb!

Or for misfortune,

Twernt fer back luck, I wouldnae have any!

[moosemilk]

Don't recall seeing this one posted....

Likker in the front, poker in the rear.

[Tokoroa_Shiner]

Haha. I got the wife a shirt with that written on it. She's never worn it. Haha

[Truckinbutch]

Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin chairs .

[moosemilk]

One my grandfather said occasionally
I'd rather have a bottle in front o' me than a frontal lobotomy.

[thecroweater]

Hard to soar like an eagle surrounded by turkeys

[Tal]

"In like a pig in the shit!"

[Prairiepiss]

He's Sharp as a football bat.

My mom would always tell kids that were pouting and sticking their lip out.
A chicken is gona come poop on you lip.

[heynonny]

Champaigne for my true friends,
True pain for my sham friends.

[S-Cackalacky]

Great Grandpa would let us younguns walk into town with him. If we got too far ahead of him, he would yell out, "You younguns slow down. You know I gotta bone in my leg.". We all grew up thinking "a bone in my leg" was a real health condition.

[Tal]

was so crook I could shit through the eye of a needle at 50 paces!

[HDNB]

I used to run out of reach of the ass whoopin my Granny was prepared to give me . When she caught her breath she would give me an evil grin and say , "That's allright ; bread will catch ya "............
Some time in the evening you got to go in to eat and that ass whoopin is still waiting on you

i like yer gramma.

[googe]

Got a face like a smashed crap.
Got a face like a dropped pie.

[Cav Scout]

That face looks like the south end of a north bound baboon.

His daddy jacked off in a flower pot and raised a blooming idiot!

Simple son of a bitch.

Shit eating grin.

That makes my ass wanna dip a snuff. (My Grandfather's saying.)

Hey dumbshit, beggars cannot be chosen! (My Dad's from another country and always messes up different sayings.)

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

My cousin, who woke up still drunk... "How did I sleep? Great! Just like a dead baby!"

Sumbitch!

That's recockulous!

[thecroweater]

Got a head like a boarding house pudding : Unattractive
Better than a poke in the eye with a dead fish : Could be worse
Flat as a seamstresses arse : Pretty darn flat
Black as a coalminers armpit : Poorly illuminated
Haven't have this much fun since Nanna died : Dreadful experience
Up and down like a honeymooner's arse hole : Not stationary

[HDNB]

up and down like a whore's drawers. (same)

he's a real in again outta again finnigan.( like a Canadian driver ((in the left lane of course)) speeding up and slowing down for no apparent reason on an interstate)

(or possibly to do with the whore's drawers- the old man was not completely transparent on this one)

[sdpoage]

Go piss up a rope.

[Truckinbutch]

Go piss up a rope.

Told my ex that once . She claimed she didn't understand what I said . I started 'splainin the process with instructin her to stand on her head under a dangling rope . 'Little as that thing has been used ,' I commented ,"you could probably run a stream to the top of the rope on the first try ."
>My instructable was NOT! well received

[cob]

Don't recall seeing this one posted....

Likker in the front, poker in the rear.

in the days before interstate 90 that saying was on billboards all over montana as
an advertisement for a bar and card room in missoula.

[BoomTown]

I'm on it like stink on a skunk!

[The flint stones]

"Is a frogs butt water tight?"
"I ustacould" as in I used to be able to, what ever it may be

[shinendine]

Any time I fart in front of my wife, she says "you heard that asshole talkin' shit behind your back?"

Helping my dad hold the tape measure. He'd say "here, you take the stupid end" I tell that to the new guys at work all the time, always gets a chuckle.

Wake up with a hang-over "where's that cat that shit in my mouth?"

"Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra"

Engines. "she's runnin' like a scalded dog!"

probably the funniest thing i ever heard was my friends dad asking my buddy what took so long in the shower. He asked "what took so long? You in there punchin' the munchkin?"

Drier than a Nun's nasty

[HDNB]

. He asked "what took so long? You in there punchin' the munchkin?"

it's my penis, i'll wash it as long as i want.

[googe]

When we ask our god son to do something he doesn't want to, he says, "I can't want to do that"

[Tal]

"He laughed the kind of laugh you only hear once every few years!"
"I'll tell you a yarn that'll curl your back teeth!!"
" He cursed them all as if they were women drivers!"
"Six foot-odd tall by six inches through and so skinny you'd think he'd bend off at the pockets in a strong wind!"
"Strike me pink!"
"His face was so wrinkled he looked like a weather beaten bloodhound"

[BoomTown]

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Pumpkins?

[RevSpaminator]

Wound up tighter than a $2.00 watch.