Jokes

[Tal]

Haha...Aint that the truth!

[The KYChemist]

Funniest Craigslist add that I've read in awhile...http://m.tickld.com/x/this-craigslist-ad-was-removed" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

[ga flatwoods]

Funniest Craigslist add that I've read in awhile...http://m.tickld.com/x/this-craigslist-ad-was-removed" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

Jimbo, Stringbender, and a few others may have an interest if it hasnt already passed. Kinda describes them! LOL.

[Halfbaked]

Ga, Maybe me and you and Jimbo and Stringbender can sign up. I didn't see the number.

[ga flatwoods]

HB if we all showed up he would be getting more than he asked for! The brides maids cant be uglier than the mayor's wife. I love me some karaoke and playing harmonica with Freebird! Yeehaw!

[Tal]

So there was this bunch of kiwi's on a rugby trip and late that night after celebrating their win, they were on the bus heading to their hotel. When approaching a bridge over a swollen river, the bus missed the bridge and went straight into the river and drowned all 37 of them!..Bugger!..The next morning they were at the pearly gates and St Peter goes out to see what all the commotion was about. "What can I do for you?" he said, "We want to come in " they answered. "Well i'm sorry but we don't let drunks in here....and besides, it's sunday and I don't work Sunday's," said St Peter."Hang on a minute mate," one kiwi said, "we want to come in !!"..just then there was a booming voice saying "What's going on out there?"...St Peter excused himself and said "I have to go...that's JC," and off he went. JC asked him Who was out there?..."Just a bunch of drunk kiwi's boss, I told them they couldn't come in", said St Peter, "Go and let them in right now, we let all sorts in here", so off St Peter goes only to return immediately..."No...Theyv'e Gone!" he said, "WHAT?...all 37 of them says JC..."NO!!,"...says St Peter....."THE BLOODY GATES!!"

[thecroweater]

a kiwi and an Irishman in car together , who's driving

Show Spoiler

Generally the police

[Tal]

I'de say neither...they are probably sitting there having a wee sup of the Irishman's poitin!

[Bushman]

[Truckinbutch]

Bushman , I would have expected something like that out of Flatwoods ........ LMAO

[Tater]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes!

"What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

"What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being?

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

[Tater]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[heartcut]

That's frigging funny, Tater.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand.
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[planethax]

In honor of none other than tp

[Coyote]

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to
become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'

[Truckinbutch]

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to
become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'

I wish they had a 'LIKE' button on this site ................

[ga flatwoods]

I wish they had a 'LIKE' button on this site ................

If they did, I would dislike your avatar! Now that's some funny crap right there!
Ga Flatwoods

[thecroweater]

sitting on the bus and looked across the isle to see a hot as hell pretty young tai girl smiling and winking at me. All I could think was don't crack a fat, plz don't crack a fat, too late she did

[Tal]

So this lady goes to the doctor complaining of an itchy fanny."Hmmmm,Go home and put some marmite on it" he says. "Marmite?" queries the woman,"It fixes all sorts of things " the doc replied "And come back in two weeks and i'll take another look, see how it's going" he said. Two weeks pass and the lady comes back to the Doctors. "Well hows it going?" he asks. "Its all fixed thanx Doc" she said. "Yeah I told you, marmite fixes all sorts off problems" the doc said. "Well to tell you the truth Doc, I didn't have any marmite so I put vegemite on it instead!" said the woman, "Well it just goes to show" said the Doc, "Some cunts just don't know the difference between Marmite and vegemite!"

[Tokoroa_Shiner]

Did you hear about the nun that went to the doc because she thought she had crabs?? Turns out it was just fruit flies on a rotten cherry.

[jedneck]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

[Bushman]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

[Bushman]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

[Bushman]

[Odin]

So darn true!

[Red Rim]

You know what I call the callouses on my hands?









Ribbed for my pleasure..

[Truckinbutch]

Don't know if I would have told that

[Red Rim]

Don't know if I would have told that

You are just jealous cause I beat you to that one!

( in my best Beavis). Ha, he said beat!

[Truckinbutch]

Don't know if I would have told that

You are just jealous cause I beat you to that one!

( in my best Beavis). Ha, he said beat!

[IdahoStiller]

Guy's wife has been badgering him to have his prostate checked. He has an upcoming business trip scheduled in San Francisco so he decides to make an appointment there. Different doctor, nurse, etc. Should keep the embarrassment level to a minimum. So the trip happens and he is in the doctor's office getting checked. The doctor says to him, "During this part of the examination it is perfectly normal to have an erection so there is nothing to be embarrassed about." The guy looks over his shoulder and says, "I don't have an erection." The doctor says, "I know, but I do."