Jokes

[Prairiepiss]

C-5 galaxy or better known as FRED. Fuckin Ridiculous Economic Disaster.

I was in when that memo came out to not call it a cock pit anymore. We already were calling it the flightdeck anyway. Never heard it called the box office.

[blanikdog]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

"The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eata indisa car. Musta use a dining car..'

"So, me and my beautiful Virginia , we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

"Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'

So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smoka disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.

We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.. " 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

[blind drunk]

Took me a second ...

[blanikdog]

me too.

[ScottishBoy]

I like it.

[whiskymonster]

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a woman at the back of the bar raises her hand. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[Buteo]

Went for my yearly checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! I think I'm going to have to find a new dentist.

[junkyard dawg]

The police see an elderly man out driving around 1 a.m.. They think it is odd that someone of his age would be out at this time, so they pull him over and ask him where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of the night?"

The man replies "That would be my wife."

[Hillbilly Rebel]

Yeah, I know its old, but so am I...

While waiting for a flight, a Texan found himself sitting at a bar next to a Frenchman at an international airport. The Texan became more and more irritated by the Frenchman's bragging of his sexual exploits to the young woman sitting next to him. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore when the Frenchman told the young thing that in France there was 99 different ways to make love. Said the Texan, "Here in America we only know of one way to make love." The unimpressed and obviously bored Frenchman asked the Texan to describe his way. To which the Texan began, "Well you take an man and a woman...' At which point the Frenchman excitedly broke in and shouted, "Sacre Bleu, 100!"

[Dnderhead]

Women's ass size study: There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses: The results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, the remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world...

[banter_king]

What do a gynecologist and a puppy have in common?



A wet nose . . . hahaha

[Bushman]

Catching a man is like catching fish, you just have to wiggle your bait!

[junkyard dawg]

Two families move from Afghanistan to America.


When they arrived, the two families made a bet - in a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.


A year later they met...


The first man, in an effort to impress his friend said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"


The second man replied, "**** you, towel head."

[Dnderhead]

a man and son went to a horse auction, the man was running his hands all over the horses feeling of their legs,chest ,rump. the boy ask dad why you doing that? dad,,I want to make sure the horse is healthy be fore I buy it,,(son),,,dad, I thank the UPS guy wants to buy mom..

[Azframer]

True story: My little sister was looking for a job, she was about 18 or 19 at the time. I told her to go by Baptist Hospital they're hiring. She asked real smug like"what would I be doing there?" I told her circumcising babies, pay is not all that great but you'll get a lot of tips! I got slapped on the arm could have been worse I think.

[junkyard dawg]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

[Prairiepiss]

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[junkyard dawg]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician
to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an
'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet
into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try
and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later when she called the
doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in
his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He
jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and
with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you
mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But
sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show
me face in "Dunkin Donuts" again

[junkyard dawg]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.



The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed..
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Oncethey're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,"Listen Very Carefully!!!!"
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ....


"BRING POSSE"

[junkyard dawg]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but...... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to
find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new
willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to
decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and
you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in
a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important
that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'

[jeepkidd]

BAR ROOM TRANSLATIONS

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me."
(I'll be leaving before the next round.)

2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.)

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
(I'm easy.)

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
(I'm gay.)

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
(I'm horny.)

10. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

[jeepkidd]

BAR ROOM TRANSLATIONS 2
1. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

2. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.)

3. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

4. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. And get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are.)

5. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

6. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
(I'm *really* gay.)

7. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)

8. "That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

9. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

10. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 16.)

[jeepkidd]

GOOD SAMARITAN
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool.

Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.

After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."

The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question...Where's his wheelchair?"

[jeepkidd]

SKIN-TIGHT PANTS
A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.

"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."

[jeepkidd]

PLACE YOUR BETS
This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady. She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.

She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john. "Very funny," she said when he returned.

He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one." Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my own ear."

She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear.

He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."

Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town. A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."

He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"

[jeepkidd]

SIGNS YOU MAY BE DRINKING TOO MUCH
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

6. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

7. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

8. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

10. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

11. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

12. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.

13. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

14. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

15. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

[jeepkidd]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls.
He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

[jeepkidd]

There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?"
The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?"
The bear holds up his paws and says "I'm a bear!!"

[jeepkidd]

The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"

[junkyard dawg]

well done kid!