Jokes

[HDNB]

Well this covid thing is finally causing me problems... i got kicked out of my chapter of the flat earth society.

all i did was asked if this 6 foot social distancing thing had pushed anyone over the edge yet...

[Kareltje]

Well this covid thing is finally causing me problems... i got kicked out of my chapter of the flat earth society.

all i did was asked if this 6 foot social distancing thing had pushed anyone over the edge yet...

You rightfully got thrown out: you should know that falling over the edge is prevented by the large ice wall around the south!

[subbrew]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

[SomethingObscure]

pancakes are my favourite. [emoji12][emoji15]

[contrahead]

The difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left-wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!

We just drove around, and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[goinbroke2]

The difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left-wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!

We just drove around, and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Bwahahahaha!!!!!
That’s either really funny or imdruck

[goinbroke2]

Holy crap, or I’m drunk.

I’ll say both at this piint

[goinbroke2]

Point...

Wow, stupid autocorrect.

I figure whoever came up with autocorrect should rot it hello

[goinbroke2]

IN HELL!!!!!

[Deplorable]

The difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left-wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!

We just drove around, and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Sounds like she's been on a drive with me. Today would have been a very fun drive for her.

[Bushman]

[HDNB]

The wife asked me if i'd seen the dog bowl.

i said no. didn't know he could.

[DSmith78]

The wife asked me if i'd seen the dog bowl.

i said no. didn't know he could.

[HDNB]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[Windswept]

[Bushman]

[acfixer69]

ABF49042-4902-4646-B0BF-729B90E89EAE.jpeg

But than along comes the guy with a bigger boat and your just another happy fisherman again.

[Tater]

“An Old Biker”....
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in....
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"....
The old timer said, "I'm a biker and that's why I'm in such good shape”....
“I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn”....
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"....
The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?"....
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"....
The old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a biker too”....
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it”...
How about your dad's dad?....
How old was he when he died?....
The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"....
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!”....
“How old is he?"....
The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old”....
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"....
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married”....
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!!”....
“Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"....
To this the old biker smiled and answered,
"Who said he wanted to?"....

[Setsumi]

ABF49042-4902-4646-B0BF-729B90E89EAE.jpeg

But than along comes the guy with a bigger boat and your just another happy fisherman again.

and you will most likely be happier.

[contrahead]

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the Varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, He continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him ?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

[subbrew]

Police calls the station: I have an interesting case here. An old woman just shot her husband for stepping on a freshly mopped floor
Station: Have you arrested the woman?
Police: Not yet, the floors still wet

[Bushman]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[Tater]

Laughing is contagious
OStctoSmbleponinrf fs1cohSn, S2nrg0uli19ed ·
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.
“CASE DISMISSED!!”

[HDNB]

Laffed when i saw this...and thought of goin broke.

[subbrew]

hope the idle isn't set too fast.

[The Baker]

Sigh
I guess that is a mechanic's joke...

Geoff

[VLAGAVULVIN]

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

So, the driver had arrested the passenger... really?

[cranky]

Sigh
I guess that is a mechanic's joke...

Geoff

No it's an awesome idea! and if I had a go cart I'd try it

[subbrew]

Sigh
I guess that is a mechanic's joke...

Geoff

No it's an awesome idea! and if I had a go cart I'd try it

Might want to reinforce that frame a bit and probably add a clutch. At a 1000 rpm idle and say 5 to 1 ration on the sprockets that would give about 10 mph immediate start.

[Boozewaves]

The Beach Boys walk into a bar...
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."

"Fuck off, " said the bababa bababarman.