Jokes

[TDick]

I am married to a Norwegian, keep those blonde jokes coming I am always looking for material.

I MAY have copied this here. I downloaded it in 2019.

[Truckinbutch]

2 women were playing golf.
On the third hole there were 4 men in front of them about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said
“I'll tee off, he is far enough away”.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot, straight down the fairway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help, I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
"How does that feel?" she asked.
He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

YOU KNOW WHAT SNORTING WHISKEY THROUGH YOUR NOSE FEELS LIKE ? Please give us a warning next time .

[heynonny]

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

Unfertilized

[CoogeeBoy]

I just watch a new documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

[Hillbilly Popstar]

[CoogeeBoy]

I just found out where Captain Hook got his hook from.

The second-hand shop!

[HDNB]

i know we are all very concerned about this global warming thing.

Apparently cow farts are a big part of the problem. they are mainly methane, a powerful "greenhouse" gas.

I just found out, and i'm wondering if you know where these farts come from?

...The main place is from the dairy air.


badum bum...tssshhh.

edgimg towards door.....i gotta go now, before y'all start throwing things at me.

[HDNB]

ok, you asked for more, you get more.

what happens when you are addicted to sea weed?

you see kelp.

[CoogeeBoy]

I caught my son from chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him.
He's currently doing better and conducting himself properly......

[HDNB]

i've been hacked.

if you get an email from me about canned meat, don't open it.

it's spam.

[acfixer69]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red headed woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes’.

[Bushman]

[Tummydoc]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red headed woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes’.

Thats even funnier acfixer if you know that "fanny/fannie" in the UK is not the buttocks....

[Saltbush Bill]

Not just in the UK.

[Newtothis]

So a skeleton walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

[acfixer69]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread

[ShineonCrazyDiamond]

I found this funny. But it's not a joke, lol.

[Setsumi]

I found this funny. But it's not a joke, lol.

Screenshot_20220218-162514_Facebook.jpg

Sure is funny... in my country, South Africa we have a cheap spirit called.. you guessed it Cane. 2 local brands is Mainstay and Cape to Rio. Made from sugar cane grown in Kwazulu Natal. Man it is bad neat. But as a young one I used to macerate glazed fruits in it... sort of a cheap panty dropper, if you did not factor in the cost of the glazed fruit.

[Saltbush Bill]

Marketing at its best, Alaskan Vodka made from sugar cane ,,what a crock of shit.

[acfixer69]

Marketing at its best, Alaskan Vodka made from sugar cane ,,what a crock of shit.

Now that there is funny

[CoogeeBoy]

Getting off topic here....... so its my job to bring it back!

Where do Math Teachers go for their holidays?

Times Square....

[CoogeeBoy]

My friend told me that he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography.

I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.

[Tummydoc]

Have you seen the movie "constipation"?......... oh, it hasn't come out yet

[CoogeeBoy]

Have you seen the movie "constipation"?......... oh, it hasn't come out yet

[Yummyrum]

Constipated Mathematician worked it out with a pencil and paper

[CoogeeBoy]

Just by the way, I was in Las Vegas the other week. Did you know that there are more Catholic Churches in Las Vegas than there are casinos?

As you can imagine, some of the worshipers at Sunday mass give casino chips instead of cash when the collection is passed around. Because they get so many different chips from different casinos, the churches have devised a method for collecting the chips. The churches send all their casino chips to a nearby Fransciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casino of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

[CoogeeBoy]

but wait..... it gets better.....

Someone threw a bottle of Omega III pills at me yesterday. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

[Truckinbutch]

but wait..... it gets better.....

Someone threw a bottle of Omega III pills at me yesterday. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

I assume that you will find your own way out ............................

[CoogeeBoy]

but wait..... it gets better.....

Someone threw a bottle of Omega III pills at me yesterday. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

I assume that you will find your own way out ............................

A cruel man......but fair.

[EricTheRed]

My boss said he wanted to pay me what I was worth but unfortunately minimum wage laws won't allow it.