Jokes

[Shadowride69]

Will someone shoot me I have kidney stones. Take me out ol yeller style.

[stillanoob]

Will someone shoot me I have kidney stones. Take me out ol yeller style.

You poor bastard. You have my sympathies. Having had a couple myself I feel your pain. I have broken bones, had 4 knee surgeries and even had my vasectomy go wrong and get infected and make my sack swell up to the size of an orange. All of those paled compared to the kidney stone. Only thing worse was when I fractured my back. Drink lots of water and good luck riding it out.

[CoogeeBoy]

Will someone shoot me I have kidney stones. Take me out ol yeller style.

You poor bastard. You have my sympathies. Having had a couple myself I feel your pain. I have broken bones, had 4 knee surgeries and even had my vasectomy go wrong and get infected and make my sack swell up to the size of an orange. All of those paled compared to the kidney stone. Only thing worse was when I fractured my back. Drink lots of water and good luck riding it out.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want kids, but when I got home they were still there....

[Shadowride69]

Iv had half a lung removed due to cancer fuck the pain of kidney stones

[Shadowride69]

Will someone shoot me I have kidney stones. Take me out ol yeller style.

You poor bastard. You have my sympathies. Having had a couple myself I feel your pain. I have broken bones, had 4 knee surgeries and even had my vasectomy go wrong and get infected and make my sack swell up to the size of an orange. All of those paled compared to the kidney stone. Only thing worse was when I fractured my back. Drink lots of water and good luck riding it out.

I'll take the poor basturd comment iv had them for 10 years

[Shadowride69]

But today was horrible

[Bushman]

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

[NormandieStill]

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2...

Trying to out dadjoke CoogeeBoy?

[Setsumi]

@Bushman
A few in my circle will have their, there, or they'er ears ringing whith that post.

Ta.

[CoogeeBoy]

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2...

Trying to out dadjoke CoogeeBoy?

Its a good start.

[Bryan1]

My dad brought home a dog today today and said he was sure it was from the blacksmiths cause as soon as dog was inside it made a bolt for the door

[Bushman]

[BlueSasquatch]

I went to the doctor last week.

He told me I had to stop masturbating.

When I asked him why, he said "Because I'm trying to examine you"

[BlueSasquatch]

A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.
The bear turned to the rabbit and asked "Do you have a problem with getting shit on your fur?"
To which the rabbit replied "No."


So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

[HDNB]

rabbit jokes huh?

there was a squirrel, hopping down the forest path. With each hop he said "i'm a pig"

"i'm a pig"
"i'm a pig"
"i'm a pig"

as he is hopping along, "i'm a pig", "i'm a pig", "i'm a pig"....a rabbit jumps out from behind a bush and waving him down says "buddy you're not a pig, you're a squirrel."

with that, the squirrel grabs the bunny around the neck, flips around and violently sodomizes the poor bunny.

the squirrel throws the rabbit back in the bush he appeared from and continues hopping down the trail...."i'm a pig", "i'm a pig", "i'm a pig"

[HDNB]

another quick thought.

i'm not sure what is in fur that makes shit stick to fur like that, but if a fella could figure it out....wooohooo, you'd be rich!

[CoogeeBoy]

so I went to the library today and whilst I was waiting for a librarian to return with my book request, a chicken turns up with a book under his wing and said:
"Book, Booook, book".
The librarian looked at him a bit and took the book from under his wing and gave him another book and off he went.
I thought this was unusual so I went back the next day around the same time and sure enough, the chicken came back in with the book under his wing and said:
"Book, Boook, book".
So the librarian took the book and put another book under his wing and off he went.
I thought this is a highly unusual, that is a pretty quick read of a book for a chicken, so I did this for a couple more days and then I thought I would follow the chicken.
The next day, the chicken came in, with a book under his wing, "Book, booook, book" said the chicken and the librarian took the book and gave him a new book.
I followed the chicken out of the library and "they" (he/she) crossed the road to the botanical gardens. The chicken went to a pond in the middle of the gardens and pulled the book out from under its wing and showed it to a frog who said:"
"Reaidit, readit"

[EricTheRed]

The Best Duck Joke Ever!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It’s just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but
Takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus Comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. “with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ...
.
.
.
.
.
"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer??!"

[CoogeeBoy]

On Saturday, April 30, a group of tough bikers from were riding west across the Gladesville bridge when they saw a girl about to jump off, just past Drummoyne on the left. They stopped behind parked traffic on the eastern end of the westbound bridge, as the Highway Patrol had shut down all westbound traffic. I was about 5 cars behind the back of the biker group.
Some dude named "Tank", I guess their Ride Captain or leader or something, a big barrel-chested, burly son-of-a-gun, probably about 55 years old, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the policeman, who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," this "Tank" dude didn't want to miss this so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' "Tank" here your best last kiss?"

By this time I had already walked out to the middle of the bridge to see what happening in the first place. From where I stood, she didn't appear to hesitate at all. She leaned back over the railing and kissed that "Tank" dude . . .
and it was a long, deep, wet, sloppy kiss followed up by another even better one.
After they both finished and came up for air, "Tank" gets a big thumbs-up of approval from his biker-buddies, the crowd that had gathered on the bridge, and even the policeman was applauding his apparent Heroics! Then he said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents really don't like me dressing up to look like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or if "Tank" pushed her off the bridge.

[Tater]

[Truckinbutch]

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Don't know much about checkers ; but , I think it's Mom's move .

[HDNB]

Ha - funny
Ha Ha -Laughing
Ha Ha Ha - Sarcastically laughing
Ha Ha Ha Ha -Staying Alive

[Shadowride69]

I told my wife this morning. We are going to lowes this mother's day so I can buy her a new weed eater. Cause a busy wife doesn't have time to complain.........needless to say I'm drinking beer on the back porch myself.

[Metalking00]

needless to say I'm drinking beer on the back porch myself.

That sounds great

[Shadowride69]

needless to say I'm drinking beer on the back porch myself.

That sounds great

I know right it was great

[VLAGAVULVIN]

i'm not sure what is in fur that makes shit stick to fur like that, but if a fella could figure it out....wooohooo, you'd be rich!

Reminded of ::

One of the most charming Kiwi idiomatic expressions, of a rural deviation derivation: "rattle your dags" — meaning hurry up, get a move on. Dags are the hard-dried encrustations of shit festooning the wool around a sheep's bumhole, which tend to rattle when a sheep is moving quickly because it's being harassed by the sheepdog. Of course, the other use of the word dag can refer to an amusing person: "he's a real dag!' Or situations: "it was a real dag." Or if something isn't up to scratch: 'this daggy light is on the blink again'...

A big difference between NZ and Australia: calling someone a Dag in Aussie it's an insult, NZ take it as you are amusing or funny.

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Heard this storey about 35 yrs. ago. From my classmates. In Russian. So strange...

[CoogeeBoy]

Well at last the World Health Organisation has confirmed that dogs cannot catch Covid-19. Dogs that had been held in quarantine can now be released.

In other words, WHO let the dogs out.....

[HDNB]

The difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

you cannot hear an enzyme.

[CoogeeBoy]

The difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

you cannot hear an enzyme.

Oh, how do you make a hormone?

[HDNB]

The difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

you cannot hear an enzyme.

Oh, how do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her,.... of course.