Jokes
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The Brothel Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a
large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should
tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and
sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her
living room and waited
for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said,
'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought 'that's
really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were a bit offended , but
then began to laugh about
the situation--
how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from
work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi Keith'
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a
large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should
tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and
sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her
living room and waited
for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said,
'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought 'that's
really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were a bit offended , but
then began to laugh about
the situation--
how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from
work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi Keith'
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
-
junkyard dawg
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3086
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:40 am
- Location: Texas
a nurse walk into the doctors office
a nurse walks into a doctors office and says
Doctor, what are you doing...
he says "I'm writing a precription!"
nurse says "but you have a thermometer in your hand!"
The doc looks at the thermometer and shouts
"Damn. Some asshole has my pen!"
Doctor, what are you doing...
he says "I'm writing a precription!"
nurse says "but you have a thermometer in your hand!"
The doc looks at the thermometer and shouts
"Damn. Some asshole has my pen!"
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over
the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why
such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'
upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over
the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why
such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
-
junkyard dawg
- Master of Distillation
- Posts: 3086
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:40 am
- Location: Texas
Subject: A Doctor's appointment
>> > >> A man went to his appointment with the
>> urologist. In the examining
>> > >> room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!"
>> > >> "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
>> "I'm a professional. In more
>> > >> than twenty years I've never laughed at a
>> patient."
>> > >> "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to
>> drop his trousers, revealing
>> > >> the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen.
>> > >> It wasn't any bigger than a triple AAA battery.
>> > >> Unable to control himself, the doctor started
>> giggling, then fell to the
>> > >> floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later
>> he was able to struggle to
>> > >> his feet and regain his composure.
>> > >> " I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't
>> know what came over me.
>> > >> On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I
>> promise it won't happen
>> > >> again.
>> > >> " Now, what seems to be the problem?"
>> > >>
>> > >> "It's swollen," the man replied
>>
>> > >> A man went to his appointment with the
>> urologist. In the examining
>> > >> room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!"
>> > >> "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
>> "I'm a professional. In more
>> > >> than twenty years I've never laughed at a
>> patient."
>> > >> "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to
>> drop his trousers, revealing
>> > >> the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen.
>> > >> It wasn't any bigger than a triple AAA battery.
>> > >> Unable to control himself, the doctor started
>> giggling, then fell to the
>> > >> floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later
>> he was able to struggle to
>> > >> his feet and regain his composure.
>> > >> " I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't
>> know what came over me.
>> > >> On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I
>> promise it won't happen
>> > >> again.
>> > >> " Now, what seems to be the problem?"
>> > >>
>> > >> "It's swollen," the man replied
>>
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by: Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
'meetings.'
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built
the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes,
and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
by: Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
'meetings.'
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built
the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes,
and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
My name is H., and I am a hobby distiller.3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
It started out small and innocent. A couple batches of ginger beer here, a light ale there, and I was able to control it. Well, I thought I could.
But then I got internet access and started being influenced by the hardcore guys, with their big shiny columns, and boasts of unheard purity and endless experiments with exotic tastes. I was swallowed up by the mysterious language, the furtive clandestine meetings in cyberspace, and I desperately wanted to learn the secret handshake (which they never taught me, crafty beggars, they knew how to keep a man strung out, always wanting more)...
Before I knew it, I was up all night divining the dark art of rum oils and head cuts, arguing about the relative merits of a 6" double helix versus a 12 turn double parallel condenser coil, whether to add the tomato paste before the citric acid or after, and exactly how many sugar angels could dance on the head of an %abv pin.
I began casing food wholesalers to see if I could save a few cents a kilo off sugar, and pleading with them to sell me food grade molasses in bulk, but they had seen my tragic type before and refused to deal with me, so I had to go underground for the hard but contaminated stuff.
Everything in the kitchen and workshop began to look like still parts. Every garbage bin morphed into a fermenter. Bottles were grabbed from feeding babes, and the clink of empties could be heard for miles around. The neighbours began to gossip.
My family left me, I was fired from job after job and became a recluse, the dishes piled up in the sink, my garden became a wild jungle, my dog disowned me and began running with the pack down the street, and my self-respect vanished, like a puff of ethanol vapour in the wind.
Today, I am recovering. I am down to 6 hours a day on the distilling sites. I can last nearly a week without the urge to ferment overwhelming me. I no longer spend hours gazing lovingly at my still. I have re-established contact with my family, though they still will not visit. Feeding babes are once more safe, and the local grocery and hardware stores have resumed taking my checks (though reluctantly, and i had to put down a large security deposit).
My dog ended up hitching a lift across a couple of states with an kind elderly couple, and has never been seen in these parts again.
And I have no regrets!
Be safe.
Be discreet.
And have fun.
Be discreet.
And have fun.
you guys mite take this as a joke but it is not ! it is the truth
they sent n me to this Doctor he SASE to me you got a alcoholic problem ? I sad to him no i get all i want . then he says let me word this
different , do you have problem with alcohol? and i say to him NO
alcohol is my best buddy we get along grate !!!!
they sent n me to this Doctor he SASE to me you got a alcoholic problem ? I sad to him no i get all i want . then he says let me word this
different , do you have problem with alcohol? and i say to him NO
alcohol is my best buddy we get along grate !!!!
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under
the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns
the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The redneck said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
shade tree."
The p oliceman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry
cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants
to have sex!"
The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted
a police dog!"
the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns
the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The redneck said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
shade tree."
The p oliceman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry
cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants
to have sex!"
The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted
a police dog!"
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
-
blanikdog
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 4545
- Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:55 pm
- Location: Bullamakanka, Oztrailya
tater wrote: The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"
that is sooooooooooooo baaaaad.blanik
Simple potstiller. Slow, single run.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
-
blanikdog
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 4545
- Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:55 pm
- Location: Bullamakanka, Oztrailya
This is an outrageously Australian joke!
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbar at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get the bastard out.'
The manager says,'Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat.Take it, shoot the bastard in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bar. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
'Well boss, it's the bastards motor-bike, it's wedged under the bullbar & the flashing blue light has gone through the radiator' ........
silence
Boss?............ You there Boss??????
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbar at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get the bastard out.'
The manager says,'Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat.Take it, shoot the bastard in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bar. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
'Well boss, it's the bastards motor-bike, it's wedged under the bullbar & the flashing blue light has gone through the radiator' ........
silence
Boss?............ You there Boss??????
Simple potstiller. Slow, single run.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
A Cajun went hunting one day way up north near Shreveport and bagged three
> ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive
> home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like
> Cajuns.
>
> The game warden ordered the Cajun to show his hunting license, and the
> Cajun pulled out a valid Louisiana hunting license.
>
> The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one
> of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Louisiana.
> This is a Texas duck You got a Texas huntin' license, boy?"
>
> The Cajun reached into his wallet and produced a Texas hunting license.
> The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck,
> sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Texas duck. This duck's from
> Arkan sas. Y ou got a Arkansas license?"
>
> The Cajun reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting
> license.
> The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
> butt, and said "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from
> Mississippi. You got a Mississippi huntin' license?"Again the Cajun
> reached into his wallet and brought out a Mississippi hunting license.
>
> The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at
> the Cajun "Just where the hell are you from?"
>
> The Cajun turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell
> me. You're the expert."
> ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive
> home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like
> Cajuns.
>
> The game warden ordered the Cajun to show his hunting license, and the
> Cajun pulled out a valid Louisiana hunting license.
>
> The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one
> of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Louisiana.
> This is a Texas duck You got a Texas huntin' license, boy?"
>
> The Cajun reached into his wallet and produced a Texas hunting license.
> The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck,
> sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Texas duck. This duck's from
> Arkan sas. Y ou got a Arkansas license?"
>
> The Cajun reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting
> license.
> The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
> butt, and said "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from
> Mississippi. You got a Mississippi huntin' license?"Again the Cajun
> reached into his wallet and brought out a Mississippi hunting license.
>
> The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at
> the Cajun "Just where the hell are you from?"
>
> The Cajun turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell
> me. You're the expert."
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!"
One day however, Hilary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hilary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings .He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker, Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled..."See what you get for five bucks?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!"
One day however, Hilary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hilary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings .He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker, Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled..."See what you get for five bucks?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
This game warden was watching from a distance as this good-ole-boy was shooting Loons. He followed the man up to his car and as he was putting the Loons into his trunk, the game warden busted him. He told the good ole boy he was gonna have to go to court.
At his court date, the judge lectured the man about shooting Loons and how they were protected and how violations of such was just unthinkable. He asked the man "why did you shoot those Loons"?
The man said: "Well see judge, we eat them. I'm on fixed income, we don't have enough to eat and we supplement our diet with game meat".
The Judge said, he understood, and because of that, he was not going to throw the book at the man or put him jail. BUT, the man had to promise...no more Loons. Find something else to eat. So, he did. As they were all breaking away, the judge calls the man to his desk and he says..."I was just wondering....what on earth does a Loon taste like?"
The good-ole-boy pauses, looks, scrunches his eyebrows and then says..."sort of like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Bald Eagle".
At his court date, the judge lectured the man about shooting Loons and how they were protected and how violations of such was just unthinkable. He asked the man "why did you shoot those Loons"?
The man said: "Well see judge, we eat them. I'm on fixed income, we don't have enough to eat and we supplement our diet with game meat".
The Judge said, he understood, and because of that, he was not going to throw the book at the man or put him jail. BUT, the man had to promise...no more Loons. Find something else to eat. So, he did. As they were all breaking away, the judge calls the man to his desk and he says..."I was just wondering....what on earth does a Loon taste like?"
The good-ole-boy pauses, looks, scrunches his eyebrows and then says..."sort of like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Bald Eagle".
Is this joke inappropriate for valentines day?
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank".
The hostage answers "yes".
The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank".
The hostage answers "yes".
The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Banjos and Whisky, Down On The River Bank
-
blanikdog
- Angel's Share
- Posts: 4545
- Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:55 pm
- Location: Bullamakanka, Oztrailya
Usge wrote:..."sort of like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Bald Eagle".
I have no idea what a Loon is but I lerv the punchline.
blanik
Simple potstiller. Slow, single run.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
(50 litre, propane heated pot still. Coil in bucket condenser - No thermometer, No carbon)
The Reading Lounge AND the Rules We Live By should be compulsory reading
Cumudgeon and loving it.
The following isn't actually a joke, but I found it humorous just the same... I found this attached as the last page of an electronics research paper submitted for grading while doing some online research... It struck me as one of those "How NOT To Win Friends And Influence People" moments... Wonder what he ultimately received for a grade...???
To Whoever is grading this:
My paper was proofread by my wife who has a B.S. from <university>. She has always proofread my assignments and is just as good at proofreading as anybody at the writing center. She has always done a good job proofreading in the past, and I trust her criticism more than a strangers.
Subject: Would you remarry?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? "
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure sh e'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? "
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure sh e'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
MISSING HUSBAND
>>
>>
>> Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
>> anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him
>> "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
>> driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
>> seconds, AND
>> IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
>>
>>
>> The next morning Rick got up early and left for
>> work. When his wife woke up she looked out the
>> window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped
>> in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
>> put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
>> brought the box back in the house.
>>
>> She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
>>
>> Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for
>> him.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
>> anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him
>> "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
>> driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
>> seconds, AND
>> IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
>>
>>
>> The next morning Rick got up early and left for
>> work. When his wife woke up she looked out the
>> window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped
>> in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
>> put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
>> brought the box back in the house.
>>
>> She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
>>
>> Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for
>> him.
>>
>>
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
Chicken Farmer (Good For a Smile)
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"
"Chicken Farmer it is."
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"
"Chicken Farmer it is."
I use a pot still.Sometimes with a thumper
One dark night in the small town of West Haven, CT, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink, the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me'
But the roaring flames and intense heat held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Derby,CT volunteer fire department composed of Italian firefighters, all over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!! Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off their truck and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Derby old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me'
But the roaring flames and intense heat held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Derby,CT volunteer fire department composed of Italian firefighters, all over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!! Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off their truck and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Derby old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
Banjos and Whisky, Down On The River Bank
-
pintoshine
- Distiller
- Posts: 1132
- Joined: Sun Aug 20, 2006 1:30 pm
Kentucky Girl power
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Georgia girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a Tennessee girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Kentucky girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see little out of his left eye.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Georgia girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a Tennessee girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Kentucky girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see little out of his left eye.
drunk walks into a bar an orders a beer....bartender snifs the air and asks "did you shit your pants?" the drunk says no..while later barkeep asks him again...drunk still says nope...after 3 beers the barkeep tells the drunk to drop his drawers and check..drunk pulls down his shorts and sure enuff loaded with shit...barkeep says..i thought you said you didn't shit yer pants and the drunk replys...oh i thought you ment today.
GOT BAIT?
small children left unatended will be sold as bait
small children left unatended will be sold as bait