Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive this?

[ScottishBoy]

I never even considered this. Thanks man. I guess I should consider this too. It's always the stuff you dont think of that seems to crop up.

ScottishBoy

SB
One of our mutuals told me about your split with your wife, so I went to go read it. God Damn, it sounds

just like my life. So I figured I would PM you with this. You can print it on the thread if you want, just

dont mention my name. I like a low profile.

My wife and I were together going on 17 years and she announced that she was "done" and that she wanted to

split. Harsh words and feelings were exchanged. I could not believe that she was so calm about the whole

things as I watched her rip my family apart. It was very sad and the kids tried to act like it was fine,

but they were wounded beyond anything I have ever seen. My youngest withdrew into a fantasy world and my

oldest became really "free spirited" and refused to do anything her mother asked, even though she was a

golden child before. Boys were a big problem and we had to have an aburtion when she was 16. That was a

hard day for her.
Despite my best efforts, my wife moved out into a condominium in the same town and we hammered out an

agreement between each other for custody. It seemed pretty amicable at the time. Amicable, thats a nice

lawyer word. So I checked myself into a shrink and started working with this guy who seemed to know his

shit. I made some progress and thought that I could save the marriage so I tried to convince her to come

back and try. She gave me the "have to be one my own and I love you, but I'm not IN love with you speech."

which my therapist said was her way of showing how ambilvalent she was and that she had lost repsect for me

because I let her take over the marriage. I thought that was waht she wanted and I was happy to let her do

it. She always said that I was so controlling it hurt her, but she was the one running the relationship.I

coulnd make a move edgewise because she already had me sighted in with a reaction that she pretty much went

out of her way to make me do. She expected negtive shit from me and wouldnt be happy until she got it.
So I tried and tried to get her to come back, all the time working on my issues and dealing with the new

things life was tossing at me.
So the kids spun out of control because she was so wrapped up in her shit. They were fine at my house, but

she let them run wild at hers.
Then she started her own therapy. She always seemed so miserable. Then it was the "i need to find myself"

speech which was her saying that she needed someone to fix her. In the meantime her friends were all

telling her to move on and that I was a lost cause. One of her friends openely said to me that she didnt

care that we could patch things up because Gwen could do fine on her own.She even said that she would make

sure it didnt happen.
I did my stuff and worked on my mind a bit and made some real progress.I was pretty dam pleased with myself

and even started taking better care of myself in case a future wife showed up. We were only seperted so I

didnt fool around, but I was thinking I wouldnt mind a better wife. I felt guilty thinki it, but Iwasnt

being given the chance to help my situation. Gotta move on.
This is the part that was a ctually the worst. I guess we were close th 5 months into it and I was enjoying

myself. I have always been good at taking care of myself, so I wasnt having too much problems.I hooked up

with friends and made a few new ones and kept busy.I downsized my house and did all kinds of shit to keep

busy, then she starts coming around and makin noise about getting back together. I guess she had a crush on

some guy and it backfired. She called up one night all sad and depressed and said she MIGHT want to start

working on it again and that she MAY have had made a mistake and that she really never stopped lovin me.
So out of habit I invited her over and she came with a bottle of wine. We had a few and then she started

breakin down about how lonely she was and how she had made the biggest mistake of her life and how she

wanted to work it out because "she realized that I wasnt so bad". Then it was like someone turned on the

light in my head. I sat there listening to her and thinking to myself that I didnt need this and that I had

actually moved beyond her. The shrink and the time alone was enough to prove to me that I was okay

enough to not need her. That and a few womin had made suggestions that they might be open to being with me.
So theres this girl crying on the floor getting my knees all wet and I had nothing for her. I felt really

bad that a few mnoths agao I would have given anything to be with her and now I knew that I had outgrown

her. It was sucky and cool at the same time, but mostly I felt bad because I was the one breaking the vow

this time.I never thought I would do it. I still feel like poop to this day that I couldnt do it. I am

still alone but Im really okay with it. I have a live in GF who's pretty cool.
My ex got involved with a guy who finally broke her jaw and the kids hated him. She kicked him out a few

years ago.
My point in this is that I thought she was what I wanted all along and it turns out she wasnt. If she had

come back a little sooner or stayed, things might be different for us, but they arent. She's alone and

seemingly fine, but the kids say she is lonely and stays up all night when they are there. I guess she is

happy where she is though. ME Im happier than a pig in shit, but I cant help but wonder what would have

happened is she came back sooner. Might have been able to work it out and get back together.

So you might want to ask her a few more times before she leaves.
If you are serious about yer word.
I feel bad that I couldnt do it, but you might not.

I just wanted to say that because you seem like the type who would kick himself a lot more than me.

Feel free to print this if you think it might do somebody some good.

XXXXXXXXX

[hstuurman]

Why is it that when a couple decide to seperate as friends, they alway com in a fight???
I've had the same experience, Rad did and the same happens to Scottish Boy now...
She got the most of the stuff (I've had a better job, and was able to buy more things), but still she wanted more after the divorce.
But I must say, after 5 years of no contact, me and my ex are sending each other chrismass and birthday cards again. The reason for the contact is, my sister told me my ex had cancer, and I just good not forget the 7 years and ignore this.

[ScottishBoy]

Im not sure, but I think its the couple's reaction to loosing the "us" part of the relationship.
Sometimes people distill (did you see how I slipped that in there? ) their relationships down the most base level and it becomes a contest to see who can take the most stuff that is left over from the breakup of "Us".

You cant mourn the loss of your partner because they aren't dead. The part that died was the "Us" or "We".
That,s a very powerful thing to loose because of the enormous potential that any relationship has. When you get married,
you really get your hopes up. When it crashes, those hopes come down and fall to the floor. You have put your trust in someone else, risking nearly everything for that chance.
Considering the potential risks and possible damage, I'm actually surprised that anybody gets married at all.

I started in on the process to buy out my wife from her side of the house.
I feel okay about it, but Im going to have a tough time rattling around in our house alone.
Lotta good memories in this pile o' sticks.

SB

[ScottishBoy]

Well, its finally here. The day I meet with my new lawyer to see about the first of what will be many papers to sign.
I took pains to hire someone who has an excellent reputation for being fair and good at what they do. Turns out this guy is one of the most respected ones in the state and everyone knows him. I feel like Im not supposed to be doing this because I have to look out for my interests and my marriage was based on looking out for my family.
Im going to try to make sure this doesnt get messy, but Im really hoping it doesnt come to that. Im not looking to hurt her, just make sure its a fair split. I have a lot of friends telling me that since she is leaving, she should get the shaft, but Im not wired that way...Above all I have to retain my honor through this.

In terms of the emotonal side, I feel pretty good about things. I have made some really great jumps in my understanding of myself and can actually see this for what it is. Its tragic and a huge waste of potential relationship, but Im owning my part of it and working to make myself better for any future mates. She is caught in pattern of her own creation and she cant seem to get out. She reads negative things into anything I do or say automatically. Funny, If she put even 1/4 of the energy into the marriage as she does trying to run from herself, then we would be fine. But she has it in her head that she has to run away and "get some space". I have a feeling once she gets there, she wont feel any better than she does now, because you cant run from yourself. She may find a little peace, but until she looks at her own issues she wont find anything that lasts. A friend said that some people would rather be alone than grow in certain areas or face deep fears. I am starting to think thats where she is. Its too bad. The gal I married was bold and courageous. I look at her now and Im not even certain who she is anymore.
In the meantime, I have dropped 30 pounds and Im really starting to look good. All the ladies at the office are "impressed", both with my physical progress and my handling of the emotional aspects of the seperation. I had one tell me that my new confidence was "pretty amazing" and that "I should get divorced a few more times and move to Hollywood". A few of them have even offered to teach me to flirt...
I have to admit, this is turning out a lot different than I thought it was going to.

So maybe this ISNT the end of the world.

SB

[Usge]

SB,
Just a bit of unsolicited advice: I'd take any discussion about legal matters or your intentions off-line until the legal portion of this is over. I think the reasons for that would be obvious.

[ScottishBoy]

Hmmm..because of the relative anonymity of this sight I hadnt really thought that out.
Good point.

[hstuurman]

He SB,

sorry to hear it's final by now, althougt you sound good I would advice you to stay on a steady livestyle.
You don't wanna walk the road of drinking 2 bottles of whiskey a month, hanging in a pub 4 evenings a week and starting a relation with a married women.....
People do strange things after a divorce, and your live will be a rollercoaster, even after these hard weeks.

[ScottishBoy]

Point taken HS.

Im not out to ruin anyones life, especially my own.
But my lawyer made an excellent point yesterday. He said that she emotionally divorced me months ago if not years.
Now that Im catching up, we are basically room mates. She is cold and distant. She doesnt even snuggle up to me in bed anymore and I cant remeber the last time we went to bed at the same time.
My layer said even with her "careful choice of lawyers", there still isnt much more than a 10% chance of us getting back together. Its too bad really. Aside from the fact that we are pretty good parents, we were also a really well suited couple. Why she wants to give that up is beyond me at this point, but thats what she wants and I have enough self respect to let her go and do her thing. Yeah we had our hangups, but I never gave hers too much pressure. Its about loving the person as they are.

But I dont do "alone" all that well. I have a big heart and I like to use it. I was pretty much born to love. The women at work are all "where were you when I wanted to get married?" 16 years and I never even kissed another woman, been loyal and faithful and I honored my vows. I had my chances and I kept it honest.
She says that she should be crying because of the work that I have done, and that she knows some women who would kill to hear the things I have been saying, but she just wants to get out. I told her I didnt think she would be any happier when she got to where she was going because you cant run from something inside you, but she is on course and she wont budge. She infers she has little faith that this will work out. If she is in that mindset, then there isnt much I can do, because it takes two people to make a marriage work. Quite frankly, I dont really think she hears anything I say, as she always finds a way to put a negative spin on it.

It's time to face facts.
The chances of us actually patching this up are less than me standing on a 12 and winning in blackjack.
Once she gets out on her own, she wont have any motivation to change whats bugging her. The issues that she needs to address will go back to sleep only to awaken for the next man she's with, except probably even worse. The only saving grace for her will be that it will take some time to build so maybe she will be happy for a while. I hope so. But she seems more likley to run away from it. She can just slip into comfortable oblivion and emulate her mother, alone, single and hating ( even though she wont admit it) men. Hell, I bet her mother moves in with her, that will keep her in a nice comfortable blanket and her Mom will be taken care of. They can be all "ooo we hate men." together. The only reason we could get married in the first place is because her Mom got remarried.
I can still remember her saying " I can marry now that I dont have to worry about my mother." or something to that effect.

So it will come full circle and she will be taking care of her mom again.
(and she says that this "is living"...the irony of this statement is just amazing to me. )


The funny thing is that when we started this process, I automatically assumed I was the faulty one in the relationship, so I went for counseling and got my head on even better than before. Now that I can see the forest for the trees, Im pretty certain I am NOT the one who brought this marriage down. I brought my share of issues, but Im still willing to work on it and will proudly own my half of the problem. She seems to have given up or shut down. I can barely tell because she is so gaurded. Her issues are so deep seated that she wont (cant ?) even look at them and I cant compete with them. The losses she suffered in her early life are just eating away at her, but she cant see it. So its either try to help her and aend up alienating her and driving her away or let her leave.
All she knows is she has to leave. So I guess thats what she is going to do.

Once she leaves...well...thats probably it.

I will sit and be with myself for a while, make some changes to the house and make sure Im ready for the world again....then...
It will be time to get on with my life and see if there are any decent women out there.

Not the ending I would have picked, but then, Im not the one picking the ending, so I might as well make the best of it I can. I dont think anyone will fault me for going on with my life.

Gentlemen, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself. You cant make anyone change and people will only allow themselves to be rescued if they want to be rescued. So keep your honor and integrity and do the best that you can.
Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

Just in case I havent said it, you guys have been a tremendous help in the past month and I really appreciate it. I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and Im ready for round 7.

SB

[kenfyoozed]

Good to see you in positive spirits. Hate to hear the bad news but good to see you working through it.

[rad14701]

ScottishBoy, here is my advice with regard to your current situation... Once you are alone, whether she leaves or you are forced to leave, take time to learn how to take care of yourself... By that I mean learn how be do it all by yourself... I've seen far too many failed rebound relationships that never would have begun if one or both involved hadn't been afraid of being alone... And I'm sure that in your professional career you ran across people who stayed in dysfunctional relationships simply because they were afraid of being alone... Use your own statement that you aren't good at being alone as a goal to prove that you can do just fine all by yourself... You'll be glad you did in the long run...

You're doing fine, just stay the course...

[Samohon]

Yeah, hang in there brother, were all with you...

[Oxbo Rene]

I recall, waaaaay back when my first wife left me, I did all the cryin and mopin for bout a week, even considered suicide, then realized,
Hey, I'm single now, I can come and go and do anything I want, answer to no one, responsible to no one! = I'm Party'in ! ! !
And as to getting re-hooked up, I found it a chore trying to remain single, and I was loving my single life,
with two or three girlfriends wanting to get even closer but I holding them back, cause I had new life
in this body, it was the pursuit of the free fair sex's, and God knows I wouldn't have one like I already had, the next
one would definitely be a couple notches above ! ! If one was even out there.
In the mean time, I had a great single life, then ..........
"SHE", showed up ! ! ! Long blond hair, mini skirt, high heels, beautiful body, and she wanted me ! ! ! !
I drug it out for bout four years, then had an epithanie (sp), she's payed a lot of dues waiting for me. I guess my conceince
got the best of me, threw the towel in, just to make her happy. Was hard leaving the single life, but
need to grow up I guess, Been married 14 yrs now (moved out 3 time, but always seem to get it back together).........
Divorce ain't the end of the world, just the start of a new one ! ! !
Just sayin...........

[hstuurman]

ScottishBoy, here is my advice with regard to your current situation... Once you are alone, whether she leaves or you are forced to leave, take time to learn how to take care of yourself... By that I mean learn how be do it all by yourself... I've seen far too many failed rebound relationships that never would have begun if one or both involved hadn't been afraid of being alone... And I'm sure that in your professional career you ran across people who stayed in dysfunctional relationships simply because they were afraid of being alone... Use your own statement that you aren't good at being alone as a goal to prove that you can do just fine all by yourself... You'll be glad you did in the long run...

You're doing fine, just stay the course...

SB
What Rad is saying is what I meant to say, but I've gor the feeling you will do fine. Reading your posts you seem to be a calm and inteligent person, you'll survive. Because of your daugther you'll always have a band with your wife, just have to find a new way of comunnication.

"SHE", showed up ! ! ! Long blond hair, mini skirt, high heels, beautiful body, and she wanted me ! ! ! !

Sounds like you met my wife

[ScottishBoy]

ScottishBoy, here is my advice with regard to your current situation... Once you are alone, whether she leaves or you are forced to leave, take time to learn how to take care of yourself... By that I mean learn how be do it all by yourself... I've seen far too many failed rebound relationships that never would have begun if one or both involved hadn't been afraid of being alone... And I'm sure that in your professional career you ran across people who stayed in dysfunctional relationships simply because they were afraid of being alone... Use your own statement that you aren't good at being alone as a goal to prove that you can do just fine all by yourself... You'll be glad you did in the long run...

You're doing fine, just stay the course...

Im not afraid of being alone. I just dont always do it well. I have a feeling this time will be different as I have been doing a lot of growing. I had to point out to one person that I didnt actually put a timeframe on how long I was going to sit with myself.
We shall see what the Universe has in store for me I guess.

[ScottishBoy]

Well, its been slightly over a month now and I have to say that this wasnt the worst thing that ever happened to me. It has been very difficult but my wife and I have come to an understanding about"us" and we agree it isnt going to be healthy until we get some distance from each other and catch our breaths. Turns out there are a lot of different personal issues here both on her side and mine. I am working my best to return to the man I was before I married her and become a better person, but Im thinking maybe I'll just make a better me out of the present me. I have been examining myself intensly and ( since I used to be a psychologist) I told my therapist to go deep and hard. Im starting to understand myself as a person even better than before. Even though this may cost me my marriage, Im not certain I would trade them. The amount of insight and peace that I have gained has been much greater than I anticipated.

Its very tough to explain, but I may find a way in the future without all the psycho-babble gobbledy gook. Im still amazed at the slowness and the patience of how it grew.

In the end, I have promised her to do all I can to support her until she can come to a good decision. Including saying no when I really want to come save her. She wants very much to be fair and all of our dealings have been very fair. She says she doesnt want me to wait, but I think I proabably will. I HAVE had crazy women come out of the woodwork when I have broken up before, but I think I really only want one crazy woman....the one who was crazy enough to marry me. I have some friends who are concerened I'll 'get stuck' waiting, but ifI stay true to myself, I really cant do anything else. I will know if and when the time is right to truly part ways.

Gotta trust yourself. Always.

Its odd, but a month ago I was laid up with sciatic pain and an L5 that was acting up and jolted by a sudden reality. Now Im 38 pounds lighter, doing the treadmill every day, and I am starting to really let me "be".
Its a much different space than I have ever been and I hope someday some of you (who need or want to) will experience it.

Its not often a person can actually watch himself grow.

It has been "humbling"....

SB

[goose eye]

keep marchin if she wants to catch up she will catch up aint no need walkin in circle unless
its a figure 8 an you tryin to lose dogs trackin you.

so im tole

[staggerlee]

That's perfect goose.

[ScottishBoy]

I hear you and I understand....

[Oxbo Rene]

Oh,
Me and my ex wife, we get along like brother and sister now, her new old man =fine fellow !

[ScottishBoy]

Well, tomorrow we sign the seperation papers. I have been doing my best to be as respectful and loving as I can. I have figured out thats she isnt doing this to 'me". She is doing this to 'herself".
Something is gnawing away at her core and I dont think she knows what it is. All I can do is be respectful and honest and maybe she will figure it out. Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand for situations just like this, but life is 'what life is".
If anyone has any questions or comments please post them. I may lose this in the end, but I can try to bring some good out of this and maybe help someone.

Lemons into Lemonade....

SB

[blind drunk]

Lemons into Lemonade....

... and then into Limoncello

All the best.

[Manback]

The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy new cheese.


Don't take that too directly.. I'm not talking about moving onto a new woman.. in fact, that would count as old cheese.. I'm talking about new things.. being single.. try it out



What would you do if you weren't afraid?

[ScottishBoy]

My first piece of "new cheese" will be the motorcycle she has consistently NOT wanted me to get since we got married...vroom.

[LWTCS]

There ua go

[ScottishBoy]

I used to make protective armor for doctors and pitchers....Im all about the armor...

[ScottishBoy]

Well...we signed the separation papers in front of a notary last night. Its official. she is going to move out. I cant tell you how happy I am that this will happen soon. Lately we have been methyl and ethyl and we need to seperate before someone gets hurt. She's methyl by the way...

I was actually fairly content with the ritual because I know that the sooner we seperate the sooner we stop causing each other to be irritated with one another. Who knows we may be able to heal up and figure it out.
She looked pretty miserable. I was going to comfort her and tell her it was going to be okay, but I figured a little while brooding might do her some good. Since she is the one who initiated the process...

In the meantime, I am staying true to myself and getting back to the person I used to be. As I am picking myself up, I am realizing that I gave aup a LOT of things for her and didnt even realize it.

Been working on a way to catalyze the tannin release in old dog. I have come up with a basic method, but my tatste buds are actually fucked up from my ear surgery ( another failure, but at least Im alive) so Im missing some components. Right now Im working with a gallon that has WAY too much tannins in it. Taste like wood...acrid wood. Had to water it down last night....hard.

[Coyote]

I can see from your postings that you are starting to work through the 12 steps I outlined
a few weeks ago - sounds like your at the opening stages of anger.

Work through all the steps and then shine on !

Coyote

[ScottishBoy]

Actually I think Im at step 10.
But anyone who knows humans will tell you, we can always step backwards.

Still love her no matter what what...so I guess that makes me weak, a sap, or a romantic...either way, I know what to do until its time to no longer do it.
The basics have been laid out. If she cant accept a man of honor, then I guess she will accept something different.

Tried so hard, but I can only offer 50% of me before it becomes a problem.

I dont wish this on any of you guys.

SB

[Buteo]

I've been following this thread since the beginning. I'm going through the same thing. My wife of 29 years has left and will be picking up the rest of her belongings tommorow. We have been through this before and I have always let her come back when she gets over her little drama queen fit. As a result I have become quite jaded in my view of her and the female species in general. I have found that i'm perfectly happy with my own company . That's something I would have never known had she not left the first time. I've discovered I am quite capable of taking care of myself. I can do my own laundry, I can do my dishes, I can pay the bills and I can cook my own food. Sometimes I even run the sweeper and clean the house. It's not really the big deal these females would have you believe. Buy that motorcycle that you have alweays wanted. Spoil yourself a little bit. Develope a network of friends you can have fun with. Don't do a rebound relationship. I don't know how old you are but at my age the females out number me about 3 to 1.
Life is good,

P.S.
Get a dog, A male dog. He will always be happy to see you. He won't care what time you get home or how much you've had to drink. He won't even care if you've been with another dog. I love my dog.

[ScottishBoy]

Im looking at a VStar classic right now. Might make a nice bike.

Rebound relationships never work. I still cant read her very well. We went down to sign the initial separation paers the other night and I was in a good mood. So I hooped in the car and said "Okay! Lets go sign some divorce papers!"
She got all mad at me and told they were SEPARATION papers. My thought was "Your leaving.What do you care?" Every time I try to communicate with her she turns it around on me and suddenly Im the bad guy. I wrote her yesterday to let her know about a serious insight I had and I thought I would share, but all she could see/hear was "what SHE did"....didnt even bother to try and read the letter with an open mind. So I sent her a clarification and then she accuses me of "directing her".

Imm on my fourth week of not swearing at this point. Nicely done. I did tell her to fuck off during a rather heated fight that she decided to have right in front of the kids, but I kept it as cool as I could. She thinks I am angry and I havent fought with her but twice in four weeks. Pretty good considering we are still under the same roof.

So despite the fact that I love her, Im getting pretty tired of her bullshit. As far as I am concerned, the fatser she leaves the faster we can MAYBE save the relationship... if I still WANT to. Im having a lot of doubts right now.
I have a good male dog, which I have negotiated keeping. I raised myself from about 8 on, so I am VERY self sufficient.

Im 45 if that makes any difference. Seems like there are a LOT of divorced women out there my age.
Not my choice, but at least there's always TV dinners...

SB