Jokes

[cob]

"How To Stop A Church Gossip"






Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.



She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing…

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ...and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

[Coyote]

Written over the urinal at the Homestead Bar outside Hamilton, Montana

" Your Mother is cock sucking whore"

Below someone had answered

" Go home Dad - Your drunk"

[mash rookie]

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,
expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers,
"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[heartcut]

Slow fade to strains of, "Only You".

[mash rookie]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
********************
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.. She listened to him with interest.
*************************
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
************************
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
*************************
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ........





Wait for it ...... .....





It's coming ...... .....




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She said .... ......:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[mash rookie]

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[Bushman]

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers’ lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ' And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.

The trooper asks: ' And her, ..... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.. '
=

[Bubba Q]

2 guys walk into a bar...................the next one ducks!

[retlaw]

The Mexican Fisherman and the Investment Banker


An investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.

The banker complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The banker then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The banker then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

the Mexican Fisherman
What Matters Most?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."

The investor scoffed, "I am an Ivy League MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. "

The investor continued, "And instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would then sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution! You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"

To which the banker replied, "Perhaps 15 to 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the Mexican.

The banker laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions!"

"Millions. Okay, then what?" wondered the Mexican.

To which the investment banker replied, "Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

[Coyote]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.


"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[Washashore]

One day, a man comes barging into his house yelling at his wife, "HONEY PACK YOUR BAGS!, PACK YOUR BAGS!....I WON THE LOTTERY!"

Beaming, the mans wife asks, should I pack for hot weather or cold?

The man quickly replies, "I don't really care, just get the f*ck out!"

[mash rookie]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.


She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[blind drunk]

Too funny ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d7vJkxN3pU" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" rel="nofollow

[Odin]

Man & woman, city dwellers, visit the country side. When they take a tour at a local farm, with cows, milk, the works, they see a steer in a stable. In front of the steer a plaquette says: "Huray! Our steer mounted a cow over 1,000 times, last year!"

The wife looks at her husband and says: "Well ... 1,000 times a year, that is ... like 3 times a day! Hey, you should take an example out of that!"

"Yeah," the husband responds, "I am quite sure ... the steer didn't mount the same cow like a thousand times in that one year ..."

Odin.

[jus teasin]

Irish Pub Story


I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...

[heynonny]

'nuff said

[Washashore]

Rad, is that you??

[Odin]

Since Rad is taking a dump right now, he cannot answer your question.



I guess I just did.

Odin.

[Washashore]

Lol....good one Odin

[Bushman]

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ---early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

[King Of Hearts]

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisinglyit sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[mash rookie]

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased
and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Congressman was very
happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up,
there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[SingaporeSling]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from! If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can arrange to return it.

[Bushman]

Just in case I cannot find my measuring tape!

[Husker]

Looks like a keeper. It's over a 6pack. Makes it legal in most states.

[King Of Hearts]

Redneck Murder

[Bushman]

[rad14701]

People of Wal-Mart

[Uncle Jesse]

This one may have been told already.

Husband and wife celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. Husband says to wife "Hon, I love you more than ever, and nothing could ever break us apart. I know we've always been faithful to each other."

Wife says "Well hon, I have to admit, I have strayed in the past."

Husband asks "What? How many times?"

"Well hon, there were three times, but I can explain. First, remember when you were going to start your own business, and the banker came over and signed the loan papers with no questions asked? Well, that was because I slept with him."

"Well hon, you only did it because you loved me and for our future so I forgive you. What about the second time?"

"Well dear" she says "remember when you needed surgery and we couldn't afford the good surgeon, but he did it anyway free of cost?"

"Oh dear, I wondered about that. You did it to save my life and give us more time together. Of course I forgive you. What about the other time?"

"Well hon, remember a few years ago when you were trying to get into that exclusive country club, but you were 17 votes short??"

[Odin]

My father had a car shop or "garage" as we say around here. His business sold cars and maintained cars. The showroom in front, the workshop in the back. Oily, engine parts, you get the picture.

When I was young we also had cats. One nice pussycat (female) was my favorite. One day I walk around, playing with a ball and I see my pussycat standing over a pool of gasoline. She was actually drinking from it!

I ran towards her and scared her away from the gasoline pool. All of a sudden, my pussycat breaks out into a frenzy: she runs, sprints actually, from one side of the courtyard to the other. Mauwing all the time. Then she runs around in circles, chasing her own tail. Still mauwing all the time. Finally, she runs up a tree so fast I wouldn't call it climbing. And the next moment she stops dead silent and falls to the ground.

She didn't move.

I ran over to her.

Guess what?

She ran out of gasoline.

Odin.