Jokes

[junkyard dawg]

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”


“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”


“You’re darn right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

[mash rookie]

Cowboy condom purchase,



Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

[Tater]

Cowboy condom purchase,



Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: That be a dollar and three cents sir.

COWBOY Whats the 3 cents for?

Cashier Thats for tax's sir

Cowboy screw that I can keepem on without them

[mash rookie]

Cowboy condom purchase,



Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: That be a dollar and three cents sir.

COWBOY Whats the 3 cents for?

Cashier Thats for tax's sir

Cowboy screw that I can keepem on without them

OUCH!!

[Odin]

Father of my brother's wife, called Willem, has horses & cariages. He drives mariage couples around. That kinda stuff. Few weeks ago, he drives around in Gouda. A guy comes up to him and tells him: "You should hang a sack between their leggs and collect the shit that way." Willem answers: "I have a sack hanging between my legs for 70 years now, and it sure don't help collecting shit!"

Odin.

[Frosteecat]

What's the difference between a midget thief and a whore with gonorrhea?
Well, one's a cunning runt....and the other...

[blind drunk]

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

[Frosteecat]

Two blonds stand on opposite sides of a river.

The first one shouts across "How do you get to the other side?"

The second one yells back: "You ARE on the other side!!"

[blind drunk]

Philosophical blondes!

[mash rookie]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

[mash rookie]

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette says, "My baby's going to be a boy." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The brunette says, "Because when we did it, my husband was on top."

The red head then says, "My baby's going to be a girl." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The red head says, "Because when we did it, I was on top."

The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, "My baby's going to be a puppy."

[heynonny]

How does a blonde like her eggs?













Unfertilized.

[mash rookie]

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette says, "My baby's going to be a boy." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The brunette says, "Because when we did it, my husband was on top."

The red head then says, "My baby's going to be a girl." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The red head says, "Because when we did it, I was on top."

The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, "My baby's going to be a puppy."

So, I was talking to my girlfreind about an hour ago. And yes, she is blonde. Smoking hot RN and 13 years younger than me. (ask BM) I repeated this joke I posted. She laughed for a moment than went silent. She didnt get it. I finally had to say, Baby, they did it doggy style. She started laughing again. I thought I was going to piss my pants. I figured I better shut the f up if I still want to see her in the morning for a little fun. Blondes. Damn they are fun.

[King Of Hearts]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

Show Spoiler

"We're getting granite countertops."

[Bushman]

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with them .
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier

[mash rookie]

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with them .
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier

SENIOR JUMP CHECK LIST...................

LIFE ALERT NECKLACE....................CHECK
OXYGEN BOTTLE...........................CHECK
CONDOMS..................................CHECK
VIAGRA.....................................CHECK
NOTE FROM DOCTOR.....................CHECK
CASH...............THEY WONT TAKE A CHECK

GERONIMO !!!!!!!!!!!

[rad14701]

Hmmm...

[heartcut]

First married- everywhere sex. Self explanitory.
1 year- house sex. Not as much and only in the house.
3 year- bedroom sex. Even less, one position and only in the bedroom.
7 year- hall sex. You walk past each other in the hall and say, "F##k you".

[Washashore]

A young couple enjoyed months of each others company, but soon enough the couple became married and began having children; as such, they were less and less able to partake in certain liberties they had once been accustomed.

The couple quickly learned that by telling the kids they were doing the laundry, they were able to sneak away from family life and once again enjoy the pleasures of each others company. As the years passed, however, the couples physical relationship slowly dwindled.

One night, many years later, as the elderly couple laid in bed, the old man turned to his wife and said, "honey, let's go do the laundry" she quickly replied with, "I'm too tired, maybe another time".

After a few minutes, feeling guilty of never putting out, the old lady turned to her husband and says, "I changed my mind dear, yes, let's do the laundry"

The old man turns back to his wife and replies, "oh nevermind, it was a small load, I did it by hand"

[Bushman]

My Trip To the Grocery Store

There was a bit of confusion at the commissary this morning. When I
was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down
facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[junkyard dawg]

These three nuns were in a car accident and all three passed away.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and they find the the gates closed and St. Peter standing behind the closed gates. The nuns are astonished and approach St. Peter and ask why the gate is closed. St Peter informs them that there is a small test they must pass before they are allowed in.He further informs that since they are Nuns the test should present them no problem.

The puzzled Nuns look at each other, and finally one of them steps forward to take the test.

St Peter askes the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth ?" The Nun quickley answers "Why Adam of course"
.... All of sudden sirens go off, lights start flashing and the big gate starts to open. She walks right in. The Gates close immediately.

The second Nun walks up to St. Peter he asks" Sister who was the first woman on earth".. she replys "Eve" ...
all of a sudden sirens go off, lights start flashing and the gate opens, she goes in and the gate closes.

The third Nun goes up to St.Peter for her question...He asks"What was Eve's first words upon seeing Adam in the Garden of Eden? "...the nun looks confused scratches her head and says"Gee thats a hard one"
....all of a sudden sirens go off lights start flashing....

[Dnderhead]

""They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!""
I wish they whould here is my encounter.
...i went up to the cash register with card in hand,,,they rang stuff up and said ok you can swipe it now,,,so i grabbed the bag and ran out the door..

[Bushman]

""They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!""
I wish they whould here is my encounter.
...i went up to the cash register with card in hand,,,they rang stuff up and said ok you can swipe it now,,,so i grabbed the bag and ran out the door..

Great follow-up to my joke lol

[Bushman]

Who's guilty?
A wife dreaming shout's, "Quick my husband's back!" The man gets out of bed jumps out the window then realizes, "Damn it, I AM the husband!"

[blind drunk]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,
> >
> >
> >
> > ...Walk into a very fine restaurant.
> >
> >
> >
> > "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...........
> >
> >>
> > "You can't come in here without a Thai. "
 
> >

[Odin]

Is it true that in the states, the building senators meet is called a senatorium?

[heartcut]

Sometimes I wish it was a crematorium.

[blind drunk]

That's funny!

[googe]

Curry contest.


Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Natal
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted'.



Here are the scorecard notes from the event.





CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY Judge 1 -- A little too
heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY
Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY Judge 1 --
Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all
the beer.

CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY Judge 1 -- Black bean curry
with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?

CURRY 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off.
It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Scr*w them.

CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shat myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe
my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream.

CURRY 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY Judge 1 -- A mediocre
curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway.
If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.

CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY Judge 1 -- The perfect ending.
This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.

Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot curry?

Judge 3 - No Report

[Bushman]