Jokes

[Bushman]

[Odin]

Man, this took me some thinking ... but I got it!

Thanx Bushman! MyEnglishisimprovingbytheday ...

Darn,can'tseemtofindthespacebarnomore.

Odin.

[Bushman]

The book understanding women is now in print, thought some members would like to order it.

[rtalbigr]

The book understanding women is now in print, thought some members would like to order it.

Ok, I'd definitely need to know the author's qualifications because I really don't think such a book is credibly possible.

Big R

[King Of Hearts]

My wife tole me to start reading.

[Mr.Brown]

Yea, he doesn't even have a step ladder, that must be just the cliff notes !

[whiskeytripping]

Ok, little boy comes home from school with a home work lesson. He asks his mom "what's the difference between theory and reality?" and she shrugged and said "go ask your father"

He went and asked his father, his father thought about it for a second, then said "son, go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pit for a million dollars" little boy came back and said "yes" then his father said " go ask your mom if she would sleep with Sean Connery for a million bucks" little boy came back and said "yes"

The father crouched down and said " see son, in theory were millionaires, but in reality, we're living with 2 whores"

[whiskeytripping]

Little Indian boy asks his chief "chief why is that girls name running brook?" he said "when her parents had her, hey came out of their tepee, and saw a running brook, and so it was"

Then the little Indian boy said "chief why is his name lone eagle?" and the chief responded "when his parents had him, they came out of their tepee and saw a lone eagle, then it was so"

Then the chief looked over at the little boy and said " why do you ask these questions 2 dogs fucking?"

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
. . . . . ....................................................................... . . . . . ....................................

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[rad14701]

Hey...!!!

[Bushman]

Rad, I believe you really have a thing for toilets!

[Bushman]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires...

[NcHooch]

September Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:

Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.

not sure if the last one about members of congress is true, because i don't believe they're subjected to the same screening process.

[HolyBear]

Halloween joke time...

What's the problem with having twin witches???
Ya can't figure out which witch is which...
sorry my 4yr old girl told me that one and I thought it was funny...

Then she said; What did the ghost like about his girlfriend??? Her boooobies...
I didn't like that one so much...

[mash rookie]

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drinking a few beers, and noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them said, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember!

[Richard7]

Good one MR

[King Of Hearts]

This is straight forward country thinking...
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
You may be a Muslim

You Have a Nice Day Now...You Hear?

[whiskeytripping]

Good jokes there KOH

[thecroweater]

Coppers banged on the door first thing yesterday morn reckon there was a report the me dog was chasing kids on bikes, bloody bullshit me dog can't even ride a friggen bike, lying SOBs livin round here slammed the door on em

[Bushman]

Where Did The White Man Go Wrong?

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[junkyard dawg]

Man visits the doctors office for a vasectomy.

The nurse comes into the exam room and asks him to take his clothes off and lie on the exam table.
He does so. The nurse then proceeds to take her clothes off, climbs onto the table and has her way with him.

Afterwards, the man asks what that was all about. She replies that if the man ejaculates before the operation
it relaxes the area and makes it easier for the Doctor to locate the correct tube.

As she is wheeling him to the operating room, they pass a room with a large glass window. Inside, the man notices
four men masterbating.

"What the heck is going on in there?", he asked the nurse.

She replied, "You have blue cross, they have Obamacare".

[pfshine]

HA that is fantastic

[junkyard dawg]

Its kinda early for this but,

Have ya'll tried the latest drink called the sandy?

Its just a watered down Manhattan...

[King Of Hearts]

Please think before you drink.

[Dnderhead]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."


The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
.

[Dnderhead]

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says,
‘Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?’ -- and prompty slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, ‘Who was that?’ The husband replies. ‘I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.’

[Bubba Q]

Thats awesome Dunder!