Jokes

[Bushman]

Started my holiday exercises.

[Bushman]

This is a shitty joke

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

My wife asked me the other day, "At your age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

I answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of UJSSM, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"

[thecroweater]

Bloke gets home from work and his missus is strutting round he house all smiling and chirpy so he asks "ok whats with the smug look this evening". She says " well went for a checkup and the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 yr old". yeah he answers and what did he say about ya 46 yr old ass, "hmf we didn't discuss you at all"

[Bushman]

The Montana Department of Labor & Industry claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one

RANCHER: That would be me.

[Dnderhead]

"wife" my psychiatrist says i should leave you
"husband" did not know you was seeing one
"wife" yes Iv been dating one for the last 6 months....

[Usge]

Ha!!

Man wins million dollar lottery and calls his wife...and says...get packed. She said why? He said I just won the lottery. She's says..oh..should I pack summer clothes? Or winter clothes? He said...I don't care which one...just be packed and gone by the time I get home.

Ok...I admit..this next one is bad.

Man in nursing home starts a relationship with a woman. They start sneaking out to back porch to be together to be alone. Then..he just stopped having any contact with her. Word got around...he had a new mistress. She was even "older" ?? So, she goes looking for him. She goes out to the back porch..and there he was..with this older woman...and she had her hand down his PJs. His X said....why...WHY you leave me for her!! What has she got that I don't?? He said..."palsy".

[Bushman]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a
leg.

The priest nearly had an accident..

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her
leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily

and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

[rad14701]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

[Bushman]

[Richard7]

Good one Bushman.

[Mr.Brown]

Glad i took a second look at that before i asked......

[Greg1234]

Very good !

[heartcut]

Now that's circular logic!

[Dnderhead]

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a goddamn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!!

So I called him a horse fucker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

When I had run out of insults I finally said "I didn't give a shit how many tickets you write, my car is parked around the corner".:)I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a goddamn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!!

So I called him a horse fucker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

When I had run out of insults I finally said "I didn't give a shit how many tickets you write, my car is parked around the corner".

[Tater]

70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."


The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

[Bushman]

[Bushman]

[Tater]

A guy's car broke down in the Blue Ridge mountains so he decided to walk for help. He had only walked a few hundred yards when this big burley mountain man, long hair, beard, overalls with no shirt, in an old pick up truck asked if he needed a ride.

He hopped in. The mountain man said "Grab that jar from under the seat". The guy reached under the seat and pulled out a mason jar full of clear liquid.

"Take a drink" the mountain man said.

"Thanks but I really don't want any"

"Take a drink" he said.

"No thank you, I really don't care for any.

The mountain man pulled a gun out from under his seat and stuck it in the guy's ribs and said, "Take a drink!!!"

The guy took a swig and said "Oh my God, that's the nastiest stuff I have ever had".

The mountain man replied, "Yep, I know. Now will you hold the gun on me so I can take a drink?"

[Dnderhead]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.":)

[00Buckshot]

Heard this one today..

Yesterday I went into the store to buy some condoms, after i went up to the cashier and paid the man asked me "do you want a bag?" I replied nope that alright, shes not that ugly.

[Bushman]

[rtalbigr]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"




Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,




"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.




"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"


Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......




"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

[Bushman]

"my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 74 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[emptyglass]

Thanks for that bushy, I'll be laughing in my sleep.

[heartcut]

A guy sees a sign that says "Peaches of any Flavor" and stops by.
Farmer says, "Name a flavor and I'll give you a peach that tastes like it."
Guy asks for butterscotch and the farmer hands him a peach that tastes like butterscotch.
Guy asks for peanut butter and jelly and the farmer hands him another.
He bites it and says, "This tastes like peanut butter".
Farmer says, "Turn it over"".
He does and the other side tastes like jelly.
Guy says, "I bet I know a flavor you don't have. How about pussy?"
Farmer hands him another peach.
He bites it, grimaces and says, "This tastes like ass!"
Farmer says, "Turn it over".

[Dnderhead]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A West Virginia State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the West Virginia State Trooper's Ball."

He Replied, "West Virginia State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left...

[Bushman]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[Bushman]

---
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you think you should have a pay increase.

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you.

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban, he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did.”

Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife , really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks,
“And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… Jose’, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”