Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive this?

[Samohon]

+1 kenfyoozed & LWTCS, hang in there SB..

Theres a Russian saying,"E na nashei oolitse boodet prazdnik snova", "There will be a party in our street again", and its true mate, there will be..

[ScottishBoy]

I would not wish this on my worst enemy...if I had one...Im basically living from one day to the next and trying to show her that I am still the great guy she married and trying to no get angry or sad. Not very easy.

[ScottishBoy]

So last night we went out to dinner and started to talk about separation of marital assets etc. It was one of the most difficult talks in my life at the beginning, but I realized early into the conversation that my wife is tired and she is a little weary of the whole thing. I also realized that she is just trying to do whats best for herself and I really cant fault her for it. Her method may not be the best, but she has valid points.

While I would love to just hate her, I simply cannot and will not go down that road. Im hoping to work things out in a civil way, but more importantly I want to make sure she is okay and has what she needs. I still love the gal.

To make matters worse, I have been examining a lot of aspects of me and her and it looks like we discovered a few things that could have REALLY helped us several years ago. I find it very sad and just a little ironic that we discover these things AFTER the stress has torn the marriage. They are such simple truths.

To anyone reading this who thinks their marriage could use a little help; Go get it!
Seriously, the only way a marriage will work is if both people are involved. Buy a book, rent a video or listen to an audiobook or go to a counselor. But dont just sit there thinking everything is alright...because sometimes it isnt.
My wife means the world to me, and not in a desperate " I cant live without you" way, but in a "you make my life better by simply being here" way.
I havent given up on the relationship yet. I have seen couples come back from much worse.

If you have a wife who you havent kissed in a while, go give her a big hug and kiss and tell her how much she means to you.
You wont be sorry.

SB

[likkerluvver]

I havent given up on the relationship yet. I have seen couples come back from much worse.

SB

I think it's time for you to move on SB.
Your relationship is over (for the present, at least).
Treat her right and always do the right thing for the child.
But pursue your social life now - expecting not to re-unite.
In time.....Who knows???

[ScottishBoy]

I havent given up on the relationship yet. I have seen couples come back from much worse.

SB

I think it's time for you to move on SB.
Your relationship is over (for the present, at least).
Treat her right and always do the right thing for the child.
But pursue your social life now - expecting not to re-unite.
In time.....Who knows???

LL, you may be right...but I suddenly found myself in this space that was strong and calm. I feel like a young buck again, but focused and ready.
I just have this feeling that everything is going to be alright. Besides I married this woman for better or for worse. She deserves patience and love. Im going to give it to her until she is really sure about what she wants. Im supposed to be the person who stands beside her when all else crumbles and I will try to do it as well as I can, for as long as I can until she is sure she doesnt want me. If that happens, I will pick up and move on, but I will be secure in the knowledge that I gave it a 100% try. Its the things in life that you DO that make your life worth telling. I would rather have a person say "he loved her completely." than say he was a hero.
Just the way I am.

SB

[kenfyoozed]

With an attitude like that, you do just fine no matter the outcome.

[rad14701]

ScottishBoy, I feel your pain... When my ex and I were at that same point I tried flowers, cards, was extra nice - the whole bit... Problem was she hadn't followed our predefined values, which I won't get into here, and drifted too far from shore... She declined marital counseling but agreed to meeting with her pastor who was predisposed to agreeing with her point of view only because she sang in the church choir, as a form of musical expression, while I maintained a non-religious lifestyle as I do to this day...

We got to a point where it was obvious that no matter how much I tried there was no turning back... We agreed to go through an amicable separation, and perhaps a divorce - until her second visit to her attorney when he more or less forced her to take a very aggressive stance and rake me over the coals... It truly wasn't her idea to do so, but she signed whatever papers he waved under her nose... So, for my 30th birthday I went out and rented an apartment because I was no long legally able to live in my own home... And things went downhill from there regardless of what I tried...

We've been divorced for 20 years now, she has remarried and I have another significant other, yet I'd take her back in a minute... She did a fine job of raising our two sons even though she has battled a drinking problem since before we separated... You see, I never believed in drinking at home, and especially not in front of the kids, but she became a heavy drinker... Yet another one of our values that went to the wayside...

So, why do I say I'd take her back in a minute...??? Because I still love her dearly regardless of her faults... And I've been with this other gal for the past 20 years and she knows my exact feelings... Now, if the telephone rang tomorrow and opportunity presented itself would I follow through...??? That's a tough one to call - it honestly is...

I probably shouldn't feel the way I do considering the sheer number of fine women I've had the priviledge of spending time with over the years... Quite honestly more than I could sit down and count... As was the case for many of us here, I grew up during those decsades of free and easy loving, if you could call it that, and have carried those many memories with me over the years and, thankfully, none of the asociated diseases ... And while many of thsose women had special qualities that keep their memories fresher than others it would be an injustice to forget about any one of them... One very special one just passed away recently after a long and painful bout with cancer... Several others are also gone... The passing of each and every one of them presents a whole new bout of "what if's"... Yet I keep on keeping on...

So, after this long ramble you are probably wondering what the point of it is... It's that there are no clear cut lines in life or its emotions... We all carry a lot of baggage... To this day I consider myself one of the walking wounded... I went through years of depression and saw a shrink several times a week for many years... For now this is as good as it gets, but I'm still fighting the good fight... Life is full of meandering paths and we all can only try to choose the right direction at every intersection or fork along the way... Every day above ground is a good because we can still reminisce and ponder the "what if's"...

But, then again, you know these things due to your past profession... Perhaps my years of misery will make your current situation seem like a walk in the park...

[likkerluvver]

I havent given up on the relationship yet. I have seen couples come back from much worse.

SB

I think it's time for you to move on SB.
Your relationship is over (for the present, at least).
Treat her right and always do the right thing for the child.
But pursue your social life now - expecting not to re-unite.
In time.....Who knows???

LL, you may be right...but I suddenly found myself in this space that was strong and calm. I feel like a young buck again, but focused and ready.
I just have this feeling that everything is going to be alright. Besides I married this woman for better or for worse. She deserves patience and love. Im going to give it to her until she is really sure about what she wants. Im supposed to be the person who stands beside her when all else crumbles and I will try to do it as well as I can, for as long as I can until she is sure she doesnt want me. If that happens, I will pick up and move on, but I will be secure in the knowledge that I gave it a 100% try. Its the things in life that you DO that make your life worth telling. I would rather have a person say "he loved her completely." than say he was a hero.
Just the way I am.

SB

Good for you SB
What I meant was to get into socializing NOT necessarily another relationship. Rebound romances didn't work out for me (or most others I knew). I'd say that might be the last thing you need right now.
Go out with the mates, take a night-class in gourmet cooking so you can wow your daughter when she visits or TIG welding (for our purposes?!?!) join a rambling club, learn to ballroom dance, join a dramatic society etc. Anything you've wanted to do, but never quite got around to doing it. - Whatever floats your boat.
Doing things for YOU will help get you through this ordeal, establish the fact that you can survive on your own, get you some new friends of your own (until joint-friends get comfortable with NOT having to take sides) who knows - might even make reconciliation more attractive to your wife.
If the two of you come through this, your relationship will be stronger.....
If that doesn't happen YOU will be stronger.

I wish you well.

[rad14701]

Go out with the mates, take a night-class in gourmet cooking so you can wow your daughter when she visits or TIG welding (for our purposes?!?!) join a rambling club, learn to ballroom dance, join a dramatic society etc.

Geez, likkerluvver, aside from the mates and TIG welding idea, why not just kick the chair... Not sure if line dancing would have been a worse suggestion or not... Somebody kick the chair...!!!

[blind drunk]

That's funny rad.

[likkerluvver]

Rad,

I did say "Whatever floats your boat".

Obviously we all have our own ways of dealing with situations. These are only suggestions. - In the final analysis, We all have to do what's right for us.

[rad14701]

Somebody kick the toilet...!!!

[goose eye]

get a grip.life aint fair aint ever gonna be fair. she dont want you. you holdin on to hope. for what.
you think it all gona get beter an back to the way it was? life is in a constant state of flux.
you been mopin around long enough.

keepin on with what you doin aint a option
your youngins is feedin off you
so im tole

[ScottishBoy]

get a grip.life aint fair aint ever gonna be fair. she dont want you. you holdin on to hope. for what.
you think it all gona get beter an back to the way it was? life is in a constant state of flux.
you been mopin around long enough.

keepin on with what you doin aint a option
your youngins is feedin off you
so im tole

Goose, as much as you seem to be an Icon in this group. I think you are flat out wrong. I never said life was fair. I know its alll flux and change. I aint no fool to think that it will be all roses and honey. I know what lies ahead. I'm lookin at the long game. Not checkers...Chess. I know she loves me. I know I love her. Sometimes the simple road isn't for the best loves. She needs time and I'm gonna give it to her. I'm not some shitheel who will blow off my responsibilities and honor just because the going gets rough.
My youngins is feedin off me? Well I would rather teach them to honor their word and try their best than to give up in the second round and say "oh poor me, the world hit me. I should lie down an die".
I dont walk away from shit just because it stinks.
I walk away because I'm satisfied it's done.

I reckon...

SB

[ArcticTern]

SB;
I think Goose Eye is saying your children are feeling what your feeling. If your in a better mood, they will be too.

[Ayay]

Each life is a whole cosmos. Galaxies dance around and pass through each other and flow on showing signs of their encounter. No stopping it, we do what we can and move on sometimes with prayers answered, and sometimes with new prayers to undo previous prayers.

[ScottishBoy]

Sorry Goose if that came out bitter.
It seemed okay when I posted it. I read it again this morning and it could be interpreted as bitter. Wasnt what I was going for.
But I'm not going to give up on 17 years of friendship and love in just a few weeks. Its just not the man I am.
If my kids are "feeding off me" like Arctic Turns interpretation, then they will feed off commitment and honor...followed by a dessert of common sense and understanding.
In the meantime, I'm doing all I can to make myself a better person and learn from my mistakes. Hopefully the kids will snack on that too.

I hope anyway...

[LWTCS]

Just be "you". Or more specifically,,,who you are and want to be.

Clearly you have the desire to be considerate,,,,But I hope you are not going to allow yourself to walk on eggshells. At least not for too long..

[ScottishBoy]

Im through with eggshells...

[Coyote]

SB I have watched this thread with a painful reminder of my own demise of a marriage.

I tried the "super sweet, nice cards, writing love letters, dozen roses" route. Didn't work and most likely
made things harder for us both.

By the time someone gets to the point of telling the other that the ride is over - they have made that
choice. The hardest thing for her to do would have been to back track and show weakness - that is to say
fold to my desire. Was no way in hell that was going to happen.

After we had been separated, but not yet divorced, for about 10 weeks - she started to come around and
want to "talk" By that time I had gone through all the emotions to reach the point where I could see the light
at the end of the tunnel and was pretty sure it was not on the front of a train.

A friend had given me a book that I cannot remember the name of but it dealt with the 12 steps of divorce.
Now 25 years later I don't remember them all. Perhaps the crew here can fill in the ones I miss.

What I remember the most is "don't do anything major for one year" don't buy a house, or a new car, don't get
involved in a relationship, don't drink, don't listen to the old crying and dying music, and for God's sake don't get married.
Like others have said, get out and get involved, take a kid fishing, learn to knit, take a cooking class, build a canoe,
( I did and I still have it) Do whatever you have to to fill your time. DON'T do things, like paint the house so she will see you
care.

Steps of a divorce ( incomplete and not in order)

1. Shock -
2. Disbelief
3. Guilt
4. Remorse
5. Fear
6. Self pity
7. Anger
8. Self centered anger
9. Vengeance
10. Positive outlook about your future
11. Acceptance
12. Understanding

It took me about 2 years to make it through these steps. don't attempt to take short cuts
Today I am a better man for the painful experience and a much better husband to the greatest
gal in the world. Sometimes I almost feel the need to find her and say "Thanks". . . . Almost

You have my best wishes and are in my prayers.
It does get better

Coyote

[goose eye]

a restrainin order show comintment to

so im tole

[ScottishBoy]

a restrainin order show comintment to

so im tole

Alright...THAT was funny...

Then agin so do a straitjacket....

[The Flask]

My brother who is 52 just moved in with me because his marriage of 25 years just ended so this topic is sort of relevant for me. I am in a business with a rather high divorce rate so I know lots of poor bastards who have been through the ringer and one thing I see is that no matter how bad things are and no matter how angry or heartbroken one gets and no matter how much one wants to kill someone eventually the day arrives when for everyone when life is once again worth living and is an even more precious gift so hang in there. Evenutally there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

[stevo68]

hey there
a good saying was told to me years ago
" if your going through hell ..dont stop"
cheers

[ScottishBoy]

Well we just got into a bit of a row over the discussion of marital property. Seems that even though the tools she has given me over the years were gifts, they are marital property. So when I mentioned that I was wondering if her jewelry collection was marital property too. Well obviously she didn't like that and started fuming, words were exchanged and then she has the gall to tell me to Grow Up, when she is the one who started attacking me. The she comes into my office and apologizes and then leaves he conversation with "Its stuff like this that just makes me want to leave more." She also stated that there was about a 5% chance that we would reconcile.

Tough odds. They dont exactly inspire a whole lot of confidence.
I think the biggest problem with our working this thing through to her leaving is that she has been planning this for awhile so she is really used to the idea. Me, I am still freshly stitched so it still stings a lot when she brings it up. Im trying to put that aside so that I can help her get to a better spot so she can think and settle down, but she just expects the negative stuff from me. Its like she has the script already made out. This morning I was doing dishes and she thought I was grumbling when I was actually asking the cat to get out of the way.

I'm thinking the sooner she gets her own space, the more likely we will at least part with some good feelings left.

[LWTCS]

Sounds like "woman" play to me....
They conduct themselves in such a way,,that provokes you to respond in a way that allows them to demonize your conduct.....
Thus making you the bad guy.......

In a nut shell.......if you don't respond to her querries favorably.......she pushes your buttons.
This in turn provokes bad conduct (in her view), and further makes it easier for her to decide to pull the plug.....

Step to the left there dude,,,,,,theys a pile of eggshells directly in front of you.

[rad14701]

If you haven't already started to do so, inventory EVERYTHING... And I do mean EVERYTHING... Just what belongs to you and your wife... What the kids have is theirs... And EVERYTHING includes panties, bras, makeup, perfume, jewelery, tools, clothing, sporting equipment, investments, etc... Yours and your wifes...

Also, if you have joint bank or investment assets, split them evenly now, before part of it vanishes... While those are still marital assets either of you can do whatever you want with them without having to explain later... Protect your half of those assets, but don't get greedy... With or without her agreement... It'll make things easier in the long run... Some lawyers may not agree with this stance, but only the ones who have never had everything taken away...

[kenfyoozed]

My dad left my mom after 27 years, He took what he wanted before the divorce. Which was close to everything of value. Then at the the divorce my mom was made to give him half of what was left. What one takes while married is not considered, nor was it considered theft as it was their house and martial property. Big loop hole in the system here in ths states. Protect yourself and kids.

[DamYankee]

SB, If I didn't see that you wrote this initial posting, I would have swore that I got up in the middle of the night and wrote it myself in my sleep. My wife of 15+ years took off, down the road to her mothers house on the 3rd of January. I know I don't know you from Adam, but you sound a lot like me with good values. Hold on tight to those.

First, I'd like to say that everyone's responses were very helpful to me. I'd like to extend my thanks to you all as well.

A few things I have learned in the past almost 3 months.
*Don't beat yourself up! you sound like a good person and like I, wasn't dialed in to her frequency. Both of you can be blamed for this, but keep this to yourself! I thought I was doing all the right things as well. Working my butt off so she can be a stay at home mom. Loading up the kids 529 and 401ks for our retirement, keeping a nice home, etc. etc. Little did I know is was the Christmas tree ornament that I never got her for the past 15 years that shows up on her list of issues.
*Make your children priority number one! You may or may not lose your love of your wife but you never want to lose that of your children.
*Males, by nature, want to fix things. We are not very good at the preventative maintenance thing. This is something your tools can't fix. Stick your game plan, take inventory of those things you could have done better and exercise them from here on out. This will only make you a better person going forward, regardless.
*Time, have patience. Though we want to get this derailed train back on track asap, rushing it is not going to help. Sort of like picking at a wound. If you keep playing with it, it will never scab over and heal.
*Keep yourself busy and find a new interest. There is a reasons I found this site on the 4th of January. I went out to a bar/club last night for the first time in a long time and came home with a few phone numbers. I have no intentions of acting on them but it feels damn good to know you still have it. Any of this helps keep your mind off the situation. Not that it doesn't need your attention, but for me, thinking about the what ifs, reading into every little comment/action she makes asking yourself "what does that mean" will kill you.
*If something comes up and your temped to let her know that your a little pee'd, take a time out! There is nothing that you can tell her today that can't wait till tomorrow. Usually some of the anger/emotion dissipates. I needed the extra day anyway to put a hold on the checking accounts when I saw 10K missing
*Have trust in the fact that if you do these and other feedback you find in these posts, that thing will work out. For better or worse. That is all we can do and all we have control over.

I too still love my wife. She is a good person, probably the best person I've ever met. It would be a lot easier to absorb if something more substantial happened like cheating or something like that. I too am concerned that she has given up as she says its been brewing for years. Even though we talk every day and see each other a few times a week, it still breaks my heart. I am trying to "divorce" her mentally when I am away from her, but give it my all when I am talking/around her. Keep your chin up!

[exon]

I know nothing.
And I can prove it a bunch of times.

SB, here a number of posts back you stated you were trying to be the best you could be, partly for the children's sake, partly to impress her...
Always good to be honorable before the children...
The woman ?
There is nothing you can do to impress her.
It's all a matter of perception.
Hers.
And there is no telling what that may be, and she may not know, herself.
...Odd critters, they are.
Nothing a man can do that would allow him to understand.
... and nothing they would agree upon they might not feel differently about the next morning.

Do what you can, based upon your own standards, and perhaps things may work out near the way you hope they may.
It's all a crapshoot.

Good luck.
exon