Wife of 15 years wants to separate. How do I survive this?

[WalkingWolf]

Hello Scottishboy. Thanks for the update. Know we're here pulling for you (ya'll) in whichever way it goes. I was thinking about you yesterday as I read through a saved copy of The Brier Crown. You did say one of the things that occured during this life changing event was that a long term writer's block had been lifted. You wouldn't happen to have any updates to that piece?

take care

[ScottishBoy]

Working on a more "accurate " peice, right now...It should be passable at least...

[ScottishBoy]

Well, things are moving along as expected. I am signing papers to buy my house next week. She signs for her house the week after, then moves out.
Unfortunately I have pretty much drained my reserves...
So I'm thinking... "Well she's leaving, whats she going to care if I fire up a few more batches?"

Gonna have to make some new friends to share it with, though.
I dont see it very likely I will be keeping company with the people at the lake anymore...

Probably just as well. Every time I went to the lake all I could feel was some unspoken pressure to fix everything.
I remember one time I remodeled the kitchen and didn't get any thanks for it, just "How come my cabinets dont have any doors?" Never mind that I built special cabinetry from scratch and laid out a slate counter top, and brought he wring up to code...she has the nerves to bitch about doors. We used our money to do it too.

...and they wonder why I'm "not comfortable" at the lake...

[Smokehouse Shiner]

So I'm thinking... "Well she's leaving, whats she going to care if I fire up a few more batches?"

Careful my friend. Hell hath no wrath like a woman's scorn.

[C. Morrison]

So I'm thinking... "Well she's leaving, whats she going to care if I fire up a few more batches?"

Careful my friend. Hell hath no wrath like a woman's scorn.

I would think about stashing my apparatus elsewhere for a month or 3.....

[LanMan]

I just read this from begining to end and I think you have your situation under pretty good control. you have a good head on you r shoulders and are moving in the right direction.

like others have said, Its all about the children. Be a good father to them and you will be able to sleep at night.

I wish I had a motorcycle

I dont think I have seen a more supportive group than what you have here.

Stay strong.

[blanikdog]

Careful my friend. Hell hath no wrath like a woman's scorn.

This is so true. I'm a slow learner and have had three divorces before my current lady of 35 years together and some of my ex's are still trying to fuck us up. Maybe I just picke the weirdos first time. )

Stay Safe.

[ScottishBoy]

Damn....Tonight will be the first time in 17 years, I haven't slept with her. Not counting trips and such. She signed for her house and left the same day. I'm wondering how I DON'T' take this personally...

[LWTCS]

U been sleepin with her this whole time?????

[whiskymonster]

harsh man.

my ex did similar. except it was me who moved out of my flat.....

was with her for 9 years, and it got nasty.

on the up side though, after a few months we ran into each other, and now we get along better than we ever did!

every cloud has a metal lining. sometimes its fuckin hard, but try to find yours.

j

[olddog]

I have not commented before as everybody's circumstances are different, and it's important to tread your own path as you see fit, but now you have got to this stage my advice is NEVER consider a reconciliation as it will come back to bite you again.
I was first married for the same period as you, 17 years, towards the end we separated 3 times, and like a fool I pleaded with her to reconcile for the sake of the 2 girls aged 11 and 13. On the second separation we even sold the house and divided the assets, only to reconcile again. She had blown her share of the proceeds, but I decided to use my share for a deposit to buy another house, hoping things were back to normal. When it came time to move into the new house, she said she was not going to move as she wanted to stay in the rental property, so dividing the furniture and things I asked the girls whether they wish to stay with their mum, or come with me to the newly purchased home, they decided to come with me.
Believe it or not the ex then tried to take me to court for half the value of the new property, they judge threw this out of court, but it cost me $800 for the value of the Hi-Fi system which I took with me.
I guess what I am trying to say is, one they have done it once, if you reconcile, they know they have you by the balls and can use it as a weapon against you time and time again.
I am happy to say I re-married and have a great life with my new wife and have now been married for 27 years, the ex has had many more failed relationships and is still living in rentals, where I with my new wife live in a beachside property which we totally own, and have accumulated assets in excees of $1m.
When you close the door to the past behind you, you open a new door to the future, it's up to you to make it what you want.


OD

[Bushman]

Wow OD, I love that last sentence. Mind if I steal it sometime in the future?

[ScottishBoy]

The Universe laid a truth at my feet today and dared me to pick it up...so I did.

I had a moment of clarity that was soooo beautiful and suddenly it all made sense.
The past, my present, the future. All one and the same.

The truth is, she was gone long before I was told. She didn't betray me, she betrayed herself...
She didn't disrespect me and the marriage, it was herself...
So now I do the thing I feared the most and the thing I need to do...just let her go.

It wasn't me who was lost...It was her.
I had my part to play but she was the one who gave up and didn't tell me.
She bought a FRIG-GIN house for God sake!

I need to stop beating myself up and move on with my life. I have looked carefully at the data, and I dont think she can ever really do what she needs to do to sustain a healthy relationship. I would love to be proved wrong, but I have calculated the odds and I wouldn't bet them.
Yeah, I backed a stumpy pony..

All I have to say, is that I did EVERYTHING I could to fix it. I got therapy, I bought books, I grew and made myself a better man...

So now where am I?
I'm a man who has grown by leaps and bounds only to discover the woman he thought was trying to catch up to...was still at the starting line.

Guys...thank you VERY much for your help and support. It means a great deal to me.
It really does.

SB

[kenfyoozed]

Good for you! Keep up the positive attitude. Im sad for you for having to go through this, but Happy you are seeing the other side of the tunnel!

[whiskymonster]

took me a year on the piss and a 'psychotic episode' as the doctor called it to get to that point!

if you can say to yourself you did your best, then you cannot do more. psychotherapist's words, not mine.

who knows, you might end up as good friends. that is a form of beauty and love in itself.

now finish the story, man! you got a nice writin style which is another beauty in itself.

j

[Prairiepiss]

Sory I have not read this post. Was trying to stay away from it. But I am glad to see it is looking better for you?

The only advice I have is to really take a hard look at the motorcycle. I have found that spending the money on mine was the best therapy investment I have ever made. I have a bad day. I go for a ride. And it gives me a good end to that bad day. I have a good day and a ride makes it great. The road time clears my head and relaxes me like nothing else. My wife has her own bike. So sometimes we go in two different directions. And return different people. I'm not having marital problems. But sometimes you have to do your own thing. I get on my bike and just go. You smell things that you never smell in a car. (Not all are good but some are great) You see things you never see when you in a car. You feel things that only a bike will let you feel. It just puts ne in a different place mentally then I can think things out better. I can have the worst day ever come home jump on the bike and go. Rain or shine its always there and it has not let me down yet. Winter months suck. But I have takin it out with snow still on the ground. Just to clear my head.

Sory I can't give you any advice other then that. But in my world its the best I have to offer.

[ScottishBoy]

I can agree with the bike. I have been looking at a couple of cruisers that suit my tastes. Looking for a light frame, low COG and a good pull. I think I may have found a good one.
How I just need to decide if I pay full cash or do a finance run. My house buy cleaned out a lot of money and I have to buy a new furnace and I have to pay off the roof.
Pretty nice of her to buy a freshly groomed house and leave me with over 20,000 in repairs eh?

But...the way she is spending money, Im pretty certain she would be broke long before I am.
Her solution is to throw money at everything and she focuses on"things" rather than substance.

I dont think she ever figured out that my contribution to the marriage was saving us money by building and repairing things, taking leftovers for lunch and economical cooking. Basically being the sensible one. Did I complain when she came home with a new kitchen set of appliances? Nope, I figured she wanted them so why not?
Right now Im feeling kind of used, but the insight I have gained from this has been amazing.

The thing that still bugs me is that I can SEE all the dysfunction in her right now and I understand exactly how it is manifesting, but I cant explain it to her because she thinks I am what she needs to get away from.
Later on, when the money starts to trickle, her mother moves to the lake, and ther kids arent there, the novelty of a new home will probably wear off. Then she will see her problems have everything to do with her and she cant run away from them.
I think my daughter said it best. She asked what her mother was doing and I replied that I wasnt sure what she was doing and Im not certain she did either. She pauses and then says "Great. So she gets to move to new house to prove she's right and she can be confused in her own house?" I agreed. The she says. "Well you know Momma, All she wants to do is be right."

In the meantime I have spent the past week and a half trying to let the kids express their anger with their mother ( and me as well...) but not let them bash on her. But I can see they have lost all kinds of respect for her and I have been working with them to give her a little space and let her work this out. When I told my youngest I was planning on packing up the rest of my wifes things she finished the sentance with "Throw it out? Toss it on her lawn?" I countered with "No. Im going to be respectful about it and put it neatly on her porch like she asked." She looks at me and goes "Darn."
I love this child. I love them both.

It has been suggested to me that I should not try to patch things up. Even my therapist is actively NOT supporting us getting back together. She says my wif'e ability to share and love is not anywhere close to mine and she would fall into the same pattern again. Stuck and Fragmented are the terms she used. So in looking at my future in general, it opens the possibility that I may meet another Mrs. Scottishboy, perhaps someone who can return my love in the manner I ask for and who knows that marriage is about repect and mutual assistance with a little compromise thrown in for good measure.
Someone who doesnt act like a spoiled seven year old when she doesnt get her way.

I keep hoping she will surprise me, but I really have my doubts that she can unstick herself and join me in a real relationship.
Too distracted surrounding herself with "things" and other distractions so she doesnt have to take a long hard look at herself.

Oh Well, Im open for anything the Universe can throw my way! I have survived the worst of it.
No, I have to replensih my back stock...I seem to have drank my way through it all. Ahem.
( Its so easy to get a buzz when you KNOW you wont pay for it the next day.)
Cheers all!

[ScottishBoy]

One thing I have to to correct. I messed up the pronouns in the paragraph about her therapist. I'm the one who used the words stuck and fragmented. Just to clarify further when I said her ability to love and share is nowhere near mine, I wasn't making a qualitative comparison, but more of a "were are not anywhere in the same area" type statement.
I really should know better than to post at half an hour after midnight after getting up from sleeping on the couch.
My dog is the best sleep aid ...ever.

But that's the breaks. Sometimes I make mistakes and I cant take them back. Sorry if I mislead anyone.

New furnace going in today. I can finally sleep well knowing my tenants are safe. New Hot water system along with that. Its costing me a pretty penny to do this, but the furnace desperately needed to be replaced.
My STBX told me her furnace was replaced for 3300 dollars and I'm spending three times that. But you always get what you pay for. She calls it a "Cadillac of Furnaces".
I'm taking this as a compliment.
It's also ironic because her father was a Cadillac man...
( I cant help but laugh at this.)
It has a well known reputation for lasting 30 years easily. It requires little service and iIt also has the added capacity to handle an addition on the house. Its a non vapor furnace which doesn't create any sulfuric acid. One of the things they dont tell you about the new modern 95% efficiency furnaces is that they produce sulfuric acid which is usually piped into your septic line. Then it proceeds to eat your septic causing premature failure of things like leech fields and septic tanks. Worse is when an DIY'er installs it and doesn't vent the system. Then it just eats the furnace.
The bargain the furnace industry struck with congress was skeevy at best.
Sure the furnaces are cheap and efficient, but what good is that when you have to replaced both the furnace and your leech field every five years?

So..yeah. I got me a Cadillac furnace. If I could find a sticker I would go put one on it right now..
Tonight's project is to figure out how to move a 325 pound cast iron fireplace by myself into the house. This will be fun.

SN

[6fiddyv]

I would have to agree with the statement your therapist stated. Don't try to salvage and reconcile, its only going to end in the same manner. That's a great thought, (not meant to be mean) but think about the feelings that your going through/went through to get to this point. She is not worthy to give you them again. (thats what I told myself)

First, buy that bike, whether its used or new, buy it NOW! Along with it, buy the gear to be safe! Then, ride the hell out of it, (read: miles not speed) Along those miles, you will have to force yourself to not focus on her, but only on you...that's going to be a hard one as I have too kept up with this post, it seems you are harboring a lot of feelings/focus towards her. Your mind is right, but I feel your stuck. Please don't take this wrong, just my opinion. I wish you the best, it took me so long to get over my divorce...im about 2 and a half years in and still fighting the demons...just not as often.

One thing that helped me, if I think about her and her issues, im giving her the power in my head. Stop giving her the power, move on, think about your self, your dog, the repairs you need to do to your house, work, your kids, what your going to do with them...The next outing with them, the next time we go to six flags or maybe a weekend trip to the coast, even the next eating out adventure. I like to dwell on me and my kids, and not give her the power any longer...needless to say, this leads to cutting that emotional tie that I had to her and the thought that was in the back of my head that was we may fix ourselves and work this out and come back together. That is not going to happen with great resolve or a better outcome. Cutting that tie, broke my bond to entertaining the thought we would rekindle the past. You know that saying, its a saying because it happens all too often, THE PAST REPEATS ITSELF. I think it does because human minds think they are better and can change it. But humans are creatures of habit, and can only break the trend by forcing them selves to do something totally different, and that means by not surrounding your self with the same things that caused you to make those decisions in the past, something has to change physically to make you make different decisions. If she is not there, you will make different decisions. If she is there you will make the same decisions because those decisions are engraved in your way of thinking.

SB, good luck. Oh, and RIDE SAFE!!!!!!!

6fiddyv

as in I rode a 650 vstrom...it was a great purchase to get through the divorce, now I ride a Vulcan 900 SE custom. That is a pretty bike...and did not break the bank.

[ScottishBoy]

Well, I bought a veru nice 650 V-Star Custom from a VERY nice girl named Caitlin. Its a sweet bike. It only has 1443 miles on it and I paid a pittnace for it. Now I just have to square away things and register it.
It makes me smile just knowing it in my garage...

[Oxbo Rene]

What's that sayin ????
If you have something, let it go, if it comes back to you, then it's yours.
If if doesn't come back, it was never yours anyway...
Ha ! mine wanted to go, I let her go, bitch kept going ............
But, got a better one now .......

[rad14701]

Oxbo Rene, the way I heard it was . . . .

"If you love someone and they want to wander, let them go... If they don't return, track them down and kill them..."

[Grumpy]

If you love something set it free
if it returns to you it is yours
if not , hunt it down and kill it.

there are a million fish in the ocean so why the hell become obsessed with one . . . . .

my first was 20 years , second now going on 11 , can't be fuked with a 3rd , and so many offers in between ..

[ScottishBoy]

Thanks Guys. I am processing ab tach right now and have a few minutes between cleaning. I am systematically going through my house and packing the stuff she left behind. I will have a few boxes when I am done, but I decided I didnt want to keep giving her stuff each time we see each other so Im going to drop it off all at once. I have her permission to place it on her covered porch. I havent really paid a lot of attention to what things go where, so she will most likely have to sort through it all to find her good stuff. Its pretty random as I am just boxing as I go. It feels verry nice to get her stuff out of my house and make it into my own.

Took the bike for a spin yesterday and it took about 2 hours to wipe the smile off my face. Man, have I missed that feeling. I kept putting off getting another one because she always had some reason for me not to get it.
The first time it was "Oh we just fell in love, I dont want to loose you"
The second time it was "Oh we are going to have children..."
The third time it was ""Oh I dont want to raise the kids alone."
The fourth time it was "What? So you can be a fat guy on a bike?"

So I guess she really cant stop me from buying a bike...OH wait! I already did..

Mmmmmmm....just finished extracting the sweets from the batch. Very nice.

[Oxbo Rene]

Oh, wait a minute ! ! !
Does she have more money than you, or vice versa ??????????
Might need to re-think this thing ! ! ! !

[ScottishBoy]

We split the equity right down the middle and went our seperate ways.

[Mud Mechanik]

We split the equity right down the middle and went our seperate ways.

Ride and enjoy SB, small sips

[ScottishBoy]

We split the equity right down the middle and went our seperate ways.

Ride and enjoy SB, small sips

Why is it that every whiskey I taste now....tastes like boiled wood?
I bought a bottle of 1792...and it tastes just as bad as the stuff I made when I was 12...
Yet when I give my cable guy a shot of my home stuff he says "Holy Shit! that is smooth and very tasty!"

Has the liquor market lost it's touch for fine whiskey?
Can anyone point me towards something well made?

[junkyard dawg]

ever wonder why you never see a motorcycle in front of a psychiatrists office???

[hackware]

ever wonder why you never see a motorcycle in front of a psychiatrists office???

cause if yer crazy enuff to need a shrink, ya won't survive riding a bike...